Nikki Illinois

Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend...

2012-01-05T11:03:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think I have become diamonds; pretty and sparkly and cold and hard. I am full of clarity and sharpness and strength. It feels like that sometimes especially when I think of how vulnerable I’ve been in the past. It’s easier to be diamonds, if I’m being honest. Sometimes it’s easier to be sharp and strong and cold and hard.

But I’m not always diamonds, am I? I’m silly and soft in the middle. I wish on stars and slay demons in my head. I think cartoons are funny. I drive dangerously. I have confidence in people. I trust too easily. I give benefits despite my doubts. I want to believe in the possibility of love. I’m transparent and wanting. I am funny and sardonic. I am a girl still… and almost always a woman.
It’s funny how I miss feeling all the time. I get worried when something doesn’t make me hurt; like I’ve lost part of myself. And then when I do feel, it’s jarring and violent and I don’t have the stamina for the race. And sometimes it’s a little too painful. It’s Drama with a capital D with conflict and tears and strife and celebrities and special effects and a musical score. But it can also be small and special in its weirdness and intimacy; violins and candles and whispers. It’s dark and forbidden. It’s secret and it’s warmth and it’s sacred. And maybe it is all that. And maybe it is an illusion dripping in the darkness with stale popcorn and hard candy and flat, syrupy soda. Gross and wonderful. Maybe it is both right and wrong. Maybe you are both right and wrong.
I wonder if the answers that you know are right, that you ignore anyway, are really right? In the haze, how can you see anything clearly? It’s dark in there… in that space you saved for this abomination of a production. You’re panicking. You are flailing. You might end up feeling something, something sharp and cold and hard right where you are soft in the middle. You might end up feeling something, something enormous and terrifying. The EXIT is burning in the darkness at you, it is screaming release and relief. And then… then… all it takes, quite simply, is a hand in yours. The hushed promises of your partner in crime, calling you back to the game. And then it gets so quiet and stifling and suffocating in your brain. And you know you’re in danger. And despite the heat and lack of air and black hole gravity of it all, you stay… You aren’t as cold and clear as you thought. You aren’t always so strong. You are soft in the middle, sardonic and sparkly, and wanting. Because you aren’t diamonds, how could you be? You never were.

An Open Letter to 2011...

2011-12-30T11:41:00.001-05:00

Dear 2011,

Remember when I said something like I just wanted to have fun this year. I mean that was my 2011 New Year's resolution: TO HAVE FUN! (such a very wise and adulty kind of thought). Remember when I thought being vague like that would somehow make my New Year's Resolution more obtainable? Remember when I thought I could outsmart the Universe like that? Boy Howdy was I neither right nor wrong. You were neither super awesome 2011 nor were you super terrible. You kicked my ass a couple times and then hugged me until I cried tiny adorably sweet puppies from my eyes. Bi-polar had nothing on you insano clown posse of a year, nothing.

I finally got that new job I'd been hoping for since the Incredible BC got swallowed whole by a large unfeeling robotic heartless joyless sunless gloomy corporation. It was an amazing moment in time- the quitting. Stuffing it to the guy who had ruined the job I had loved so much. And then explaining my job to him for hours upon hours upon hours and days and forevers. Hoping he finally understood what an asshat he had been, knowing I could be openly jerktastic to him... Totally Very Satisfying. Even my last email to the group was awesome. But... But... But then it was suddenly very less awesome- you know, when I realized I had to say goodbye to people who were not just co-workers, but close friends. People who I laughed as easily with as I do my top 5 Best Friends- my every day little insane family. It was hard to close that door, last parking ticket, last lunch with Urvi and Mike, last song to sing with Marta, last full on laughfest with Kiki and Cassi and Patricka. I managed to not cry on my last day, hard to believe my friends, but true. The end of an era, the beginning of new work friends and new work problems. A huge change in my life, a bitter-sweet symphony if you will.

Also, 2011 you incredibly weird little minx, I met guys this year. Multiple men. I dated, was dating, had dates (conjugate that mothereffers)... And something I hadn't done since the TDWBR-OS: I got involved with men. Not just one weirdo date like you know This GUY but actual every day interaction. I fell a little bit for one of them. It had momentum, it had spark. But It wasn't all roses and chocolates (CLICHE)... I mean, I did somethings I'm not too proud of that I thought I could handle, but couldn't (Hey Mom!). I was able to control some other things that in the past I wouldn't have been able to stop. I kicked some guys to the curb, had some come back (huh? for me?), and managed to be perfectly respectable to myself all year. I got a little stomped on in a lot of ways. And as the year closes, I am still trying to figure some of it out. I am hopeful. I am skeptical. I am ok.

And then 2011, there were the moments that mattered in small incredible ways. Meeting Jared Padalecki and him remembering me at the convention, buying tickets to meet Jensen Ackles in 2012 (TEE HEEE- shut up!), moving into a new place and getting new adult stuff like beds and tvs finally and DVR, my always hardcore friends continuing in their own odd little ways to have my back like warriors, my family still happy and together and the funniest people I know. A roadtrip with Porkbutt, a Thanksgiving with Maurice and Michelle, a birthday month with everyone I love, a summer of movies with Mike, Headless Horsemen, Zombie Walks, Waglois Pond Summer Vacation, Last Harry Potter with my whole family, Christmas Eve with Neeka and Vic and their families, Lunch with Casey and Heather, My last lunch with the Admin Group at work, Nip nights with Alan and Sam, Indigo Girls, dating Batman...

Ultimately, this year taught me that the 2006 version of me was gone. That was the last time I remember feeling totally helpless. The last time I felt completely broken. And that's not me anymore. People can say I haven't changed, but they'd so very very wrong. I sparkle in ways I never did back then. 2011 was a year of tests and I passed. There was no failure. There was just me, dealing with my life: a full completely insane dorkified life. Remember when Curt and I were REVOLUTIONARIES and we were all about making ourselves better and sexier and stronger?? Member all that? I do. And now I can see how successful it was... So 2011- thanks for the memories even if they weren't so great (sometimes). Thanks for showing me that even bitter 70% cacao is still ultimately chocolate and thanks for Jared Padalecki's arms. Those were really awesome.

Love,
Nikki Illinois

The Monsters Aren't Buried Down Deep Inside

2011-02-07T13:08:00.000-05:00

I'm not someone who lets go very easily. Of anything. Ever. I know that's not really all that shocking... but it is one of my worst habits. Possibly the worst... although, falling for assholes is also not of the good either. But much like the easy listening classic (by Chicago?) it is a "Hard Habit to Break." I wallow and allow myself to be sucker-punched all the time by life because I just can't seem to figure out how you forget the past while learning from it. So how do I cope if I'm not moving on? I bury things in a shallow grave of happy times and smiles and life. I ignore and ignore and ignore until I can't... until I am haunted by a memory or confronted face to face by a zombie from my past. Pet Cemetery ain't got nothing on my brain. For reals.

Recently, TDWBR-OS was seen wandering the streets of the NYC (possibly in search of brains) and I was, of course, informed that his previously dead ass had officially risen and was enjoying life and looking perfectly the same and sounding totally fine (Thankfully I did not see him, but two of my friends did). Wow- so he wasn't horrifically deformed or weeping to himself in a corner softly whispering my name?? (Um Karma- we need to talk STAT, btw) Yea so zombie ex-boyfriend rises and what is my demon-hunting, vampire slayering, kick-ass chick reaction? If you thought it had anything to do with reacting rationally, please stop reading now because you and I are not friends... Nope. I totally had a mini breakdown. In my car. While listening to Sara Bareilles and P!nk. There were tears, tears, tears- not for my Supernatural Boys or Chris Colfer on Glee or even the death of Marshal's dad on HIMYM, but for me, myself, and I. I was openly sobbing over the shattered, decaying (brain eating) self I'd buried 4 years ago. Because as much as I want to pretend that I've vanquished (slaughtered, slayed, ganked) that part of myself- I have not. Apparently the zombie I should have been hunting all this time was not him, but the broken me that was rising up and freaking out (and looking for brains). The monster that's haunting me and scaring me and torturing me is myself. Awesome.

P!nk tried uber hard to convince me that I'm "F*cking Perfect" and S Bareilles really wanted me to "Let The Rain" run all over my face so that I feel all renewed (or something like that). But unfortunately, for at least a day, Zombie Nikki was munching on my brain and distracting me with her general grossness.

So ultimately, how do I do battle with myself? If there aren't any external monsters and I'm fighting my own personal demons, how exactly do I win? When (if ever) will I stop using a demon fighting metaphor in this blog? All really good, important questions... that I don't really have any answers for. I wish I could say to you all "O I already salted and burned that zombie bitch." But, I can't... I am still haunted and tortured cause like Chicago (still not sure about this) sang "I'm addicted to you... a hard habit to break." Until I figure a way out of this, I guess that's why I have Sam and Dean and Buffy kicking around. Well guys "We've got work to do..."

Mr. Charteuse with a Machete in the Public Library

2011-01-18T18:56:00.000-05:00

Curt and I frequently go to the library here in town and sit and write. Well he writes and I kind of meander about like a big child. I read some Facebook and write some emails and then I get up and walk around and look up books and borrow tawdy awesome romance novels and openly stare at everyone and generally become a great candidate for some ADD medication. Even now I cannot stop looking up and gaping at all of the other MTPL patrons and wondering why they are here. Also sometimes I try to distract Curt from his play writing by starting a conversation or snapping my gum at him. I am a terrible awful person, I know. O the humanity!

O Goodness teenage boys are here!!! Awesome. I think they are here to form a very quiet fight club. Sheesh- they are dressed like hoodlums, with the ridic hats and t-shirts and mumbling vocals. What is that about? O now a really cute adult male walked in carrying a coffee. Can you do that? Drink in here, I mean. Old man in a cabby hat, Asian lady with a blue bag, Dude renting DVDs... It's not nearly as hilarious as Starbucks in M'Town, but the collection of space cadets here is pretty insane.

Speaking of our other "writing" hang out, The Bucks is really the best place ever to listen to the most inane convos this side of the great Mississip'. (Uh oh I thought the Asian lady was going to sit down at our table, but she did not. Crisis averted!). I have listened to sooo many first date awkward word exchanges that I cannot stop myself from laughing openly and again staring rudely at people. I have a real problem. But that kind of fun is not to be had at MTPL, but there are no books at S'bucks either so to each his own. (Or whatever)

There is a woman who works here... I don't know what her voice is made of, but it is crazy and could start seizures I think. Lilliputian comes to mind when I hear it... Ha the Asian lady just made Lilliputian whisper... HILARIOUS!! I realize this isn't much of a blog today, but I had not written in so long and I just wanted to get something out to ya'll. Also- is there anything better than my stream of insulting thoughts? I didn't think so.

Anyhoo, I need to go see what rogue will save the innocent lady this week. Last week it was Fielding and Esme and they had Pandora's BOX. I'm not making that up. It was terrible, but at least I'm no longer wasting money on books I hate. Still wastin' time, but money... NO MORE!!

Til I write again my lovelies...
Hugs and Kisses

Nikki

Devour. Implore. Adore.

2011-01-03T12:20:00.000-05:00

It is a new year, my dears. A time of reflection, of self renewal, of rejuvenation... you know, the time of year when you want to start fresh and so does "Pretty Little Liars" on ABC Family... As always come January 1st- starting over becomes the new black. We all try to set our course for the next 12 months so that we make the most of our time, become who we are destined to become, and of course, drop all that Louis Vuitton baggage we gained over the last year (cookies, debt, that guy from 4G, ghostly racist trucks, you know the usual). It truly is a recipe for disaster (all those hard eggs in one basket) and yet, it is this very crazy map of hope that gives us the drive and motivation to at least try and tackle those things we hate the most about ourselves. Perhaps 2011 is the year we succeed, perhaps 2011 is the year we actually stop using the duct tape and legitimately make those upgrades (Pergo is not real hardwood my friends). Or perhaps 2011 is just another year in the book series- Blandy McBorington Did Nothing Again: Year 5.

So what are your plans this year? What terrible things lurk in your darkest closets and totes need to be thrown out (I seriously have a Ouija board that haunts me, not unlike ghostly racist trucks, and totally needs to get outta my place!)? I have some hopes that I really want to make happen this year. But mostly my end goal is this- and since this isn't a wish, I can tell you all- to really have fun this year. I mean, I want to look back on the year and think "That was ridunkulously AWESOME!" (No matter how 'dated' my thought is- I still think it has merit.) I know certain things have to happen to make that possible, but I think as abstract ideals go- AWESOME is pretty ok, right? So that's how I start to plot my course for the year... If Awesome is the end of the journey, what has to happen so I actually get there?

I am well aware of how tricky this whole game is and how pit-falls can derail a person so very very easily. Life will bully you into dropping fragile happiness right outta your hands (like a Regina George or a Heather) because it doesn't understand, nor does it care about your personal happiness. That is not a lie or a joke or an anything (A lie or a joke would sound more like: Two rabbits walk into a bar...). Life is not about fair and right and good and bad. Sometimes it's all uphill in two feet of snow both ways and sometimes life is like a box of chocolates and sometimes it's just going to work- nothing good, nothing bad. In fact 80% of the time, it's a whole lot of rinse and repeat stuff (gym, tan, laundry). So make that 80% worth it. That is where my journey to Awesome starts... my 80% routine is making me unhappy. Time to start this trip through CandyLand (Trivial Pursuit, CatchPhrase, Shoots and Ladders?) off with a roll of the die and make some changes. (Even if I have to answer a question about sports, damn you orange!)

I already have some highlights planned (both of the hair variety and not). July is tracking to hit legendary status this year and that makes me smile. October is always a crowd pleasing month and this year I turn 35 so watch out. January is a transitionary month where I need to really buckle down and make a commitment to make some real violent awkward changes in my life. Not fun, but necessary evils that I've let get out of control need to be dealt with. But I have to be ready... Awesome is a real ball-buster when it doesn't get it's way. (Not that I have any balls to bust... maybe a breast-buster?)

Anyway- I just watched Supernatural, I'm planning on working out, I have another day off, and I wrote you all a blog today! Seems like I'm off to a good start... now just remember- Rome wasn't built in a day and um, a bird in the hand is dirty sounding, and No Retreat, No Surrender (rent it, training montage!)!!

Happy 2011- now go be Awesome!
<3,
Nikki

Driver picks the music... Reindeer poop on your roof.

2010-12-17T11:49:00.000-05:00

OMG it is totes almost time for Christmas! Huzzah! Which means Santa and his sleigh and me and my car are about to embark on a time-honored tradition of hauling our asses all around the earth. Or in my case, all around the New England. Whatever- either way Santa's sleigh has nothing on my Honda Civic and my MP3s. Ok, so what if he's got reindeer and can fly... I've totally got heat and cup-holders and no outdoorsy-ness. So I mean, hands down I win... PLUS MP3s motha-f'er!!!! Santa can eat THOSE cookies, bitch! (Wow I really went off on a tangent there)

In any case, I'm leaving shortly to make my merry way up to my parents' in Maine. Lots of terrible (for you- not terrible tasting) food and terra-ble dogs (O Terra, even though you are evil... I still love you) who make ridiculous noises. And presents and Mom and Dad and brothers (I have two!) and holiday joy.

Mostly I need this vacation from work. I also need the opportunity to yell and scream at people who will not judge me. Well ok, they do judge- but they cannot disown me. Sometimes when you live alone- you get all bottled up because who are you really going to yell at and be annoyed with? Yourself? Um that's called crazy and I'm not really interested in what crazy is publishing these days. So when I am with my family, I tend to have a very sensitive trigger button and then I go all nuclear on their asses. It's kinda funny, well to me... I'm almost positive it's not to them. In any case, I cannot wait to be ridiculously reactionary during the upcoming week. AWESOME and rejuvenating!

O Vacation! I love you so and Christmas too! 45 minutes to go... Le sigh... hooray!

So- when I start my car (remembering to let it warm up a little), and head towards the GSP today... I will throw my head back and yell... On Paramore and Indigo and Alanis and Danzig ... On Cranberries and Journey and Fuel and all the others not listed... Merry Xmas to all and to all a good drive.

Be Safe no matter how you travel this year... Ok? We good. Ok. Happy Holidays my friends!

When I grow up, I wanna be a... Demon Hunter?

2010-12-02T12:09:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time there was a little girl and her name was Nikki (or she tried to establish herself as such, but alas no one was biting so she developed an odd attachment to her strangely spelled name and gave up her dream of ever having a nickname). Either way, she envisioned herself doing all sorts of wacky unusual things when she grew up. Sometimes she pretended she would be all the normal stuff like a teacher and office worker and retail gal. Sometimes she thought living in a soap opera would be fun with all the decanters of liquor and boardrooms and drama (I know, right?). And most times, she dreamed of being the leader of a biker gang or an artist. That little girl grew up to do none of those things (pretty much), maybe one day she'll get the chance, but for now- she sucks down coffee at her corporate job and wonders when exactly reality killed all those awesome career choices and took away those decanters of liquor (I believe in 2001 when she graduated from college).

Currently my Myspace mood would be "disenchanted" with an exasperated little face next to it, that is if I still had a Myspace page. I'm at a place in my life where I've been living fairly comfortably for a while now... racking up stuff and debt and growing into each salary increase I've received. You know, I've been busy being an Adult American. But lately I have found little satisfaction with my career choice/my career "Ooops, sure ok I'll take that job." I just go and do my work and get it done well and efficiently and yada yada yada and fume and rage and yada yada every day. It is not what I pictured all those years ago for myself... mostly that picture consisted of a Harley Davidson and being tough- so I really dropped that ball. And not bein' artistic, well that's an even bigger bitter pill to swallow. And let me tell you, I can swallow big pills, without water... so you know, this pill is like GINORMOUS and infinitely bitter. No lie.

I truly miss being creative, but how does that fit into the scope of being an adult and the rest of my life, like for reals? Can I survive by just being slightly creative on the weekends with my friends? Possibly. I think my real problem is that I no longer have any warm, squishy feelings towards my job. I try and I just can't find any silver-lining or even a copper-lining or like let's say a tinfoil lining anymore. I've been here 7 years and maybe it's time I revisited all those silly ideas I had as a 6 year old... Leader of a biker gang sounds really exciting, doesn't it? But truth be told, when I think about jumping out of my slightly comfy, exceptionally low to the ground office-chair and onto a sweet-ass "hog", I become paralyzed with fear. (Partially because I don't know how to ride a motorcycle at all and partially because I find them scary now that I am over the age of 25)

What do I want to do? Who do I want to be now that I am 34 years old and like established in my life? Should I be tapping into my awesome in different ways now? And how in the hell does someone do that exactly? I just want someone to throw a great job in my lap and really that does not happen, unless your name is Chris Frisbie-Smith (and there is actually no one by that name in real life). So what do I do? Do I just say "I'm super grateful for my job and the money and that is all that is important because so many people do not have anything right now" OR do I actually try to fix this constantly rotting part of my life before it is too late and I've got roof leaks and ulcers and I'm completely miserable always? Hmmmm- that sounds pretty dire, doesn't it? So ok, fix the problem... now I ask my 34 year old self... Nikki, what do you wanna be when you grow up?

Some of my answers are the same... ok well one. Artist. New ones include: Photographer. Small Business owner. Wealthy (is that a job). Office Manager at a small business. Office Manager for an Art Gallery. Something at an Art School. Art, Art, Art... Office Manager. And of course, a demon hunter with my sister (Hey Michelle!).

I can feel it coming. That drastic change in life where you up heave yourself and do something totally different. It has to happen for me to continue to evolve. But sitting here, staring at Snackles and listening to Holiday Music on my dual monitors... it is hard to see beyond this office that I share with Marta and the last 7 years of my life. I know I need to grow up and move on... and make some real decisions about having an actual career doing something I can care about beyond stuff and debt. The question does not get easier, at least not for me. But there's still potential and growth in my life and that makes me smile... and then I picture myself on a motorcycle riding freely across the country and maybe potential and hope is all I need to get me through the questions.
Seriously though- motorcycles are terrifying to me. So let's change the above to um a Vespa or like just me being the leader of car gang. That sounds far more practical and reasonable and still insane. Huzzah!

Merry Decemberish!

2010-11-29T11:39:00.000-05:00

Ho, Ho, Ho... (Thundercats- HO!) Thanksgiving has come and gone and I am so over Turkey right now. Like the bird had better stay away because I will not be held accountable for my actions if I see one... or I see some... or however you define dead, cooked, plated Turkey (they, it, she, he, etc...) I just don't want to eat or look at it anytime soon. Good Riddance! O that's not very Holiday of me, what I meant to say was Onward and Upward and on to December! (Even though it's still November for at least two more days)

As it is THE Holiday Season officially now- I thought I'd share with you some of my favorite things that happen during this time of year... that don't happen at any other time, or if they do we all pretend we don't see it because timing is everything ya'll.

Xmas Music: I really love Holiday music. I mean not in a "I rock out to it in the car" kind of way (I do rock out to Paramore and Florence and The Machine in the car, however), but in a special "tree-trimming" kind of way. It's like these jolly bell-jingling tunes just worm-hole their way into my heart and make me happy, like a puppy's wiggly tail. Even the normally evil Mariah Carey is made less terrible disguised as joyous Santa melodies. I mean it's not cool to listen to them outside of this glorious and awesome time of year (which is why I take them off my ipod so as not to Shuffle them into a hot July day randomly). So to you Holiday Music, I thank you for being so very much fun and only tolerable for 3-4 weeks a year!!!

Songs to Love This Year: "Baby, it's cold outside" Glee Holiday (Chris Colfer and that Darren Criss), "O Holy Night" Indigo Girls

ABC Family 25 Days of Christmas: I will talk to anyone and everyone about ABC Family and their incredible brand of cheese-tastic movies that they sell me every weekend and that I gobble up like a Turkey (Does that imply I am eating it like I eat Turkey, or that I eat like a Turkey? Discuss). In any case, their 25 days of Xmas is like some kind of special frosting (not icing) of delectable ridiculousness. They are hand-dipped in a hazy holiday sparkly ham-tastic festival of lights and Santa-rrific moments... whether it be about dogs or kids or saving an orphanage or making sure Christmas actually happens this year or falling in love or like blizzards and baby Jesus and the miracle of the human spirit, etc... ABC family will sprinkle it all with twinkly lights, green and red paper and bows, and throw a ham and cheese - tastic sandwich in there for good measure. And I love it!!! I mean would Melissa Joan Hart or Mario Lopez or Joey Lawrence even have jobs now if not for the extreme Holiday nonsense on this channel? I think not~!

25 Days of Xmas Movies: HOLIDAY IN HANDCUFFS! Delicious!

Christmas Lights: Driving all over the state this weekend, I saw that some industrious families had already put the effort in and decorated the outside of their homes... LOVE IT! Again, it's like the music... I see it and I'm like all squishy and happy inside. Maybe it reminds me of being a kid at this time of year (though really who wants to be a kid again?) or some kind of sense memory thing or like a deeply buried secret that lies dormant in my brain and is triggered by pretty lights, but I think every house looks 15,000 times better with holiday decorations, tastefully done holiday decorations, all displayed and what not. I mean don't go crazy people. No one needs to see your interpretation of baby Jesus' birth with Rudolf, Frosty, and Charlie Brown in attendance. Or maybe we do? I guess either way it is So Awesome! But you know what SUUUUCKKKSS? DEC 26th and seeing Holiday lights up! It's like super depressing. Holiday Hangover is almost as bad as that movie, The Hangover, for reals.

Colored Lights or White or Solid: I am partial to colored lights outside and white on the tree inside.

Other things I love at this time: Peppermint Mochas at Starbucks, Gingerbread, The GGE!, Sparkly Festive Holiday Clothes, Xmas Shopping (Yep, it's a disease), Ornaments, Listening to Nick and Sammi open up presents from us, seeing my crazy family, and of course, A Very Supernatural Christmas!
What about you all? Tell me dear readers... what are your favorite things at this time of year? O I love those too! (I can't really hear you) Spread the Joy my kiddies... and enjoy the almost December of it all!
Luv,
Nikki

Twilight Bitch!

2010-11-17T11:13:00.000-05:00

(Edward and Bella necking... HA!)

There are approximately two things people at work know about me... 1. That I like "Twilight" (God it has been a long time since I wrote about Edward and Bella, What up my friends?!) and 2. That I can be an unrelenting bitch sometimes. I mean, people who I barely recognize on sight come up to me and are like "I just read Eclipse" or "I finally saw the movie for Twilight. Robert Pattinson is super dreamy" or "That stupid vampire glitter movie blows!" And I'm like, ok... I don't even know if you have kids or a spouse or what your last name is actually, and here you are chatting me up about one of my mega interests. So of course, I engage. I love to talk about my interests and myself (duh!) and I get to hear all about whether they loved or hated it or whatever. I am the official "Keeper of the Keys" of Twilight-town. I guess that's fine. But you know moments later, I will have to send these people a harsh and abrupt email and be all "Why can't you get this stupid thing right? Small children and maybe apes could do this, why can't you?" (That is not what my emails actually say- but could perhaps be the subtext of most). And then these people rightfully HATE ME, all while still acknowledging my love of Edward and his Volvo (no really, I mean his car not his cock). Hence the not-so-joking nickname of "Twilight Bitch" was bestowed upon me one afternoon by Regina Jam (another nickname). It is sad and true- one day I will probably work somewhere else and all anyone will remember about me are those two things. Nikki Illinois: she loved Bobby P and could sometimes really be an uber-twat. Memories... like the corners of my mind... misty water color.... Well you get the idea.

So my blog today is to kind of update the masses of co-workers and friends about some of my other favorite things. If you are a FB friend to my alter-ego and real name, than you are aware that I adore other things aside from The Twilight these days. But if not- here is a guide to all the things that currently make my Radar of Awesome, pop-culturally speaking.

1. Chris Colfer (GLEE): I love Glee and the music and the fun it can sometimes be (although this season is crazy-town). But I would be totally happy if the show were just about Kurt (not to be confused with my Porkbutt, Curt... even though I sometimes do it myself) Hummel as played by the delightful sprite Chris Colfer. My sister (Hey Michelle!) has laid claim to NPH as her super celebrity gay friend and well she can officially have him. I will take CC and go chat about Lady Gaga and let him know how incredible he is always. For reals, he makes the show for me. He is Mr. Super Mcfrigginawesometon and he is breaking down walls. Plus how could you not want him to do high-kicks and sing in French and wear cute little hats and yell at stupid meat-head bullies all the time? I would like to carry around a pocket version of Chris Colfer just so he could brighten my day just by smiling and waving at me. I'm not kidding... just check my FB Status during or after Glee. It is always about Kurt Hummel. Also I cried my little heart out when he sang "I wanna hold your hand" about his dad. Chris Colfer as cute as a puppy and as awesome as a gay husband. Win Win there my friends, truly.

(Chris Colfer- being awesome)

2. The Winchester Boys (Supernatural): Surprisingly, I am not ending with The Boys on this one. I mean- they are my current favoritest thing ever. I cannot express how much fun I've had getting to know them over the last year, both the characters and the actors (Of course not really get to know the actors, but like in a watching Youtube videos of SPN Conventions kind of get to know). I have had Winchester Marathons with Killer and Kernus and Frisbie watching the 5 seasons so far - over and over and over again (and crying and crying and crying again). And my sister (Hey Michelle!) and I have uber-bonded over the show making jokes whenever we can about rock-salt and sulphur and you know, Wendingos eating your Finn (and Rugarus too!). In any case, a show about two tragic super-hotties running around killing and beating all things Supernatural is like a sausage of Awesome wrapped in some bacon of Sexy. Also Snackles (Jensen Ackles) and JPad (Jared Padalecki) themselves are so very fun (not to mention Misha Collins and Jim Beaver). I love this show so very much. So very much so that I am going to meet these actors for realsies in July. No, really- I am. It will be epic and I will be crazy. Also if you could all pray or whatever really hard that Snackles goes to the Parsippany, NJ Convention too- I would greatly appreciate it. Son of Bitch!!! O The Boys!

(Sam and Dean Winchester: kicking ass and taking me to bed hopefully)

3. Harry Potter: I am sad to report that Harry Potter is ending. As in winding the hell down now that all books are published and all movies are made. HP 7.1 comes out on Thursday night and it looks to be amazing. I have loved HP since hmmmm The Goblet of Fire came out. The book, not the movie co-starring Bobby P. It is a great series and I recommend all people every where read them. On Thursday night/Friday morning, I am going to see the first part of the finale. I just re-read the book this summer and cried through the whole thing, like every day, at work... openly weeping at the table on the balcony. So I can only imagine what the movie will do to me. I hate that it is coming to an end... the second I read the first book, I wanted to be at Hogwarts... wanted to be Harry's friend... wanted to destroy Voldemort myself. I got my friends to read them, my mom and brother and father (Tom & Michelle are still holding out on reading them all), Nick (my Godson) loves HP- much like I knew he would. It is an incredible story from beginning to end and it is a favorite of mine... right up there with Young Guns 2, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Rocky, Twilight, and Supernatural. Congratulations on a wicked ride DRad and everyone in the movies. JK Rowling you are a genius and thank you for every moment you wrote for us.

(DRad and the gang preparing for battle)

So as you can see, I am not just "Twilight Bitch!" Sure for a while there I only talked about Edward and the Cullens and Bobby P. But I've grown since then and there is more of me to love and know then just vampires people. Like demon hunters and wizards and gay boys- just to name a few. So in the future, when approaching me in the kitchen at work, remember I am more than a surly vampire loving jerk. Well sometimes.

Guy + Singer = My Weakness

2010-11-15T12:16:00.000-05:00

Do you see that guy up there? No really, look at him. He's above average looking- obviously and got like the most beautiful eyes and lips possibly on the planet, currently. But you know what puts him over the top for me (aside from his biceps and already mentioned eyes)? That guitar and the fact that he sings. Now he is not like the best singer ever, but he can carry a tune... and if you can carry a tune- I may be inclined to carry your babies (but only carry them).

Look, I get crushes on celebrity men like I am a tween girl caught in a pre-pubescent tornado. I know it's totally weird, but I also own up to the fact that it is a coping mechanism for all the times I've had my heart stomped on, so I embrace it completely and with immense enthusiasm. And in the throes of this mostly "awkward for everyone else but me" tween-love-fest, I sometimes stumble upon the most mega of all Sexy traits... a man who sings.

I am not sure why I become even more enraptured of a guy once I find out he can make semi-coherent notes string together in a melody. Is it like the Siren's song of yore (lol) calling to me so I will wind up all bashed on the rocks of his love? Ha ha ha... sorry. I'm just saying- add this little talent to your resume and I will be putty in your hands. Well that is if I'm already kind of malleable in your hands. I don't give the farm away just for a pretty voice. But it's like biceps (check) lovely man eyes (check) drives a stick shift (check) sometimes performs feats of strength (check) likes Gays, but only as friends (check) loves me (check check) and then after all that... you can sing? Forget it- we are totally going to have a marriage... with a ring and everything. (But probably no babies)

In any case, I like guys who sing. It is the whip cream on top of an all ready super Sexy sundae. It makes me happy. It makes me want to pin your picture up on my wall even more. It is a weakness of mine for sure... It may even melt my currently stone-cold heart if you are not Jensen (Snackles) Ackles and we meet in the real world. I'm just throwing that out there. If you like me and want to be with me- aside from being a normal, not jack-ass, coolsville kind of guy... try singing with a guitar (not like in a musical- though you can do that after I get the establishing image of you with a Sexy guitar) to woo me.

If it can actually make Snackles hotter: The Weight
Think of what it can do for your chances... I'm just saying.

The Closure

2010-11-10T10:52:00.000-05:00

Do you ever watch that show, The Closer starring Kyra Sedgwick on TNT? You know, where she "closes" cases and some other such detectivey stuff and speaks in a weird-ass accent? Clearly I don't watch it, (my Mom and Dad do though) and also this blog is not about her or that show. But the title was similar and she does close things so I went there. Yea, I did.

So anyway, today is all about The Closure we all kind of need for one reason or another in our lives and why it can be so very very allusive to find and so very very daunting to go after. I am a person who seldom lets go of emotional trauma. I let the black holey goodness of tears and melodrama suck me in time and time again. Dusty memories that serve no purpose other than to make me feel bad about myself or my life or etc... So why bother with the self-mutilating torture? Why am I a glutton for poking at scabbed over wounds (gross, right?)? Because I have no conclusion, no reasons why certain things happened, no satisfaction- just empty open-ended questions and I cannot handle that...  Personality flaw? Sure.  But that flaw is just as much a part of me as my love of puppies. So how do I change that?

Easy! Go back to all the people who have wronged me or left me feeling dissatisfied with a "purchase" in my life and find out what happened and why. So Easy! JK, JK people. You can't do that with everyone that's made you question your awesomeness ever. Some things never get the big, old swelling musical score and the neatly packaged "THE END" and credits moment.  But there are things you can fix- people you can re-connect to and parts of your pain you can finally stitch up and move on from, no really... I promise. (I also don't like medical dramas)

As I mentioned above, I am someone whose life is teeming with micro-emotional organisms (sadly, not to be confused with orgasms).   To put it bluntly, I have baggage, like I got a full set of matching Couch bags for my 21st birthday and I have filled them up with all kinds of ridiculous nonsense, kind of baggage. It is quite a waste of such fine quality leather goods and my time, I can assure you. But just a few months ago, I was asked to open up a medium sized bag and look inside and dust that shit off and deal with it. I was all gung-ho about the idea at first- "YES! Sure things!" And then later "No problem... I guess... ok." And especially as the date approached for me to actually deal and cope with the pain and suffering I'd been carrying around with me for the better half of my life, I started to panic (at the disco!) like a mother-effer. My stomach turned; I was drowning in good and bad memories; I was not sure I wanted to know or feel anything new about this situation. Like I said, drama queen.

So there I was... inching all cautiously over to one of my medium sized issues- stick in hand. Ready to poke it in the ribs if it got outta hand. Tip-toeing ever so slightly... actually, no. I barrelled ahead like I am prone to doing and I just said "Hey, look at you!" (No, for reals- that was my great and amazing opening line) and he turned around and looked me right in the eyes. And all that stupid pain, those always present insecurities, and teen-angst memories... finally became just a person again.   One down, like three to go?

There were some interesting conversations that night; hilarious, drunken, interesting conversations that night. And I was surprised to find I was not the only one on The Battlefield dragging around a medium sized Couch suitcase.   We all needed porters out there (porters and baggage carts) and someone else to fill in the blanks from back in the day. You know, so you don't do it yourself. Because we fill in the holes with terrible, terrible untrue awful things, instead of caulk (or reality). I got my caulk (ha ha ha ha, but sadly no micro-emotional orgasms) that day. New context, adult memories, 14 beers, good times, and a reconnection to two very important people. Sometimes that's all you need...

Other times, you need Kyra Sedgwick to get some answers for you and solve some crimes... Seriously people, I'd much prefer the Law and Order Teams to help me out of an unsolved mystery. Jack McCoy will not only get some Closure for you, but send that murdering rapist to jail and be awesome all at once. McCoy! O and Closure.

The End. Roll Credits. Swelling Musical Score.

Did ya'll miss me?

2010-11-09T12:08:00.000-05:00

Oh... Hey! How's it going? Yea, it was a really bad winter, right? And the end of LOST, yeesh... crazy town. Yea... crazy. So... um... how have ya'll been? Oh, really... my bad. Yea, I've had a lot of time to think too. I was wondering... hoping, really. Do you think, um, maybe you could give me another chance? No, I promise it won't be all gimmicky like the last attempt. I swear. No Sexy this and Sexy that. I just want to talk, share, write. I'm a different person now. Please take me back? Why? O Balls, let me explain.

I've had a lot on my mind lately and no where to really go with it. Facebook is fun and all, but status updates really aren't the place for me to lay my actual "for reals" thoughts out on the table. Sure I throw a lot of weird dirty beats on my pals there, but really it's all glossy and shiny for the masses and short and sweet too. No room for the long-winded there. And sometimes I just need to spill. So whenever I get the tickle in the back of my brain to share with the population at large, I remind myself that I had a blog once upon a time and I loved it and my readers. So here I am, back to win over your hearts.

What's the deal with this time? Why is it different? Well, mostly I want to write- not about getting Sexy or fixing up my dilapidated inner house- just about me. Crazy weirdo me, my family, my friends, my life. You know, like a reality tv show only with verbs and nouns instead of cameras and lights. I know, totally not original, not like Sexy 08 was- but I think I'm kind of lovable enough to pull it off. And if not, I'm sure ya'll will tell me and I'll adjust (no not that kind of adjust- I don't have a penis).

Anyhoo- what do you say? Are you going to make this hard, like eggs ya'll? (You know you missed it). Do you want me to beg??? PLEASE... O please take me back. I promise to be a better bf (bloggerfriend) than before. Come on. You know you want me... The Internet only offers you so much in a day and who doesn't love something new and sparkly to read. Ok, I'm not getting on my knees for this- so you are either with me or without me. Your choice. Either way, I'm here and I'm back.

Luv,
Nikki

Sexy 2010 Update- Where's my Sexy At?

2010-02-04T15:37:00.000-05:00

I know I have not written in a long, long while, but I'd rather like this blog to be quality not quantity. And I have not abandoned Sexy 2010- In fact, I have been busy working out and busting out the healthy so anyone who has complaints can shove it... you pick a destination where to shove said "it." (a destination impalement- so much better than a destination wedding!)

Honestly I have nothing to add to the vast amounts of "don't let your insecurity kick your ass" and "don't get down on yourself" and "you are damn Sexy already- believe!" that I have imparted both here and there.

So- Without further ado... The Sexy 411: Weekending 2/6/10

What I'm doing for my Physical Sexy This Week: Working out 5 times!! Eating about 1200-1500 calories a day- lots of FRUIT and SELTZER. Getting a haircut!

What I'm doing for my Mental Sexy: Um, planning a vacation to my Sister's (Hey Michelle)? Downloading new Awesome music. Hanging out with Friends that make me laugh! Recognizing that my pants are less tight this week!! (So SEXY)

What I'm doing for Sexy 2010: Creating new weekly gags to keep this Awesome Sexy boat afloat... "Where's My Sexy At" - Celebrity Slim Down of the Week. Evolution people- it's the name of the game!

What are some suggestions you can give our readers- readers? To continue your Sexy and Come back next Week to see our New Format and what to expect!

SO SEXY!!

Shhhhhh, my Sexy is hunting rabbits

2010-01-28T10:23:00.000-05:00

I haven't written much lately because I haven't had much to say that's new and awesome. Hard to believe, but it's true. I don't want to repeato, repeato, repeato gal on you always. I'd kind of like there to be a point always and sometimes a story and other times, a rant. You know, but this week- empty headed thinking as I concentrate on working out and staying focused and oogling Snackles and JPad on YouTube. (you understand a single lady needs these things- Snackles)

In any case, how the hell are you guys? It snowed today on my way to work- AWFUL and TRAFFIC! That kind of makes my Sexy a little less shiny and awesome. But I'm trying today. I'm rocking a cute shirt and I did something a little bit different to my hair. Gotta try and make sure my Sexy has already been broughten to work- cause this place wants my Sexy dead or the very least on life support. (My Sexy wishes to be resuscitated, in case of death btw)

I've been really trying to get my self on track these first few weeks of 2010. Even my Sex drive is down (tmi, I'm sure... but who cares)... but I am getting there. Are you? How's your Sexy progress? Are you giving it your all? No, FOR SHAME!

So, if sometimes I am a little quiet... and I know that kills you all- just remember that sometimes my Sexy needs to ruminate on all things Sexy in order to keep this blog interesting and not just like the Groundhog's Day of bloggy goodness ok? PS: You should try working out to Bad Romance... that is a long and intense song and boy howdy does it get your ass moving. SEXY!!!

Sexy is as sexy does...

2010-01-22T09:52:00.001-05:00

First things first, I have put on weight (and it's not this blog... ba-dum-cha!). Not since BSB 2010 started but since Sexy 08 ended. It is devastating and my own stupid fault (go team). I gave up the ghost (?) and just kind of flailed around so much (especially Oct-Dec 09) and ate whatever I wanted and never worked out and wham (like the 80's pop band) before I knew it some of my pants no longer fit. (Pants on the Ground, Pants on the Ground- well maybe not the ground so much as not around my waist where they belong). So today I am feeling like a stupid, fat baby (stupid babies need the most love- anyone know that reference?). Yay, goodtimes (I see you trying to leave Sexy... Get yer ass back over here)

So REALITY CHECK time for me. Baby steps are fine (especially since I feel like one these days). Baby steps worked last time very well. I am even baby stepping already (and baby dancing). What I have to tell myself is, ok you fucked up lady friend... You swore you wouldn't let this happen and yet, here we are. So... now what? What do you plan on doing to rectify (tee hee!) the situation? Self-loathing and a hate club come to mind and then are both quickly eradicated by my Awesome (SUPER AWESOME). I just need to focus. Not ignore my fat ass mind you, let it be a motivator rather than a destroyer of my Sexy Mission.

This week is my first REAL week back into the mix. I am eating much better and working out regularly. It has been hard like eggs, but it has also been a relief to some degree. I don't have to beat myself up if I'm doing what I need to be doing and that makes me feel better about myself~ (I totes kick my own ass all the time, mentally and physically!) about my Sexy ~ about all of the stuff I haven't been feeling so great about- Pride might be a deadly sin (2010 is the year of LUST people but pride can tag along!) but it's something I need to give myself right now. A jolt of "Look at you! Great Job! A+!" can do wonders.

The message is this- sometimes you are a disappointment. (So sweet) And sometimes you need a swift kick in the ass moment to say "Um, way to drop the Sexy ball leader person!" And sometimes you need your "skinnier" jeans to not fit at all to remind you that you enjoyed it ONLY when your pants were TOO BIG for you, not too small. I'm doing this for me, for my huge ass, and for all of you. Admitting that I failed, will continue to fail, and won't always be as Awesome is kind of part of the journey here (way to conjugate FAIL). I wanted ya'll to know, I am a WIP (work in progress) as much as anyone else and right now I gotta work my ass into some smaller jeans. What are you going to own up to and conquer? (maybe the small town lying to the north?) In any case, you better work... cause I totally am and I don't like to work alone.

I'm starting with the man in the mirror...

2010-01-19T15:21:00.000-05:00

I had an epiphany over the weekend thanks to Killer. We were sitting on my couch totally rocking the blankets and seltzer. Ken was in the bathroom peeing for the 1000th time that day. We were SOOO having a SUPERNATURAL SATURDAY, complete with SUPERNATURAL BROWNIES (and SUPERNATURAL SELTZER and FRESCA). And so after a few "very special" episodes with me crying my eyes out and professing my love to all that is J.ACKLES (SNACKLES, tee hee) coupled with the always upset, always violent Winchester Boys of the show, Killer (not the killer, just Killer) turned to me and asked a very interesting question. She asked me if all I really wanted was an emotionally wounded man (cause I love myself some Dean Winchester and he is a wounded, albeit not real, boy). And at first I was all "No way! That's super messy!" But then I thought about it... and thought and watched some more hot ass Dean, crying over his emotionally scarred inner child and being violently protective of his dear, dear loved ones... When suddenly I realized, with a little bit o horror (not the Supernatural kind of horror), that I am drawn to myself... I mean, I am drawn to the reflection of myself in these not too real fictional male characters. I want to be with a man version of me. How incredibly weird! (I know, I'll explain).

Now this is the first time I'm realizing this about myself (as I stare at SNACKLES beautiful face on my work computer screen)- that I want someone who mirrors myself emotionally (and apparently someone who looks like one of the hottest men on the planet- so obtainable!). All this time I've found these over the top characters so appealing... over-protective, self-sacrificing, unconditionally there for people- even typing it I'm thinking "that is soo hott!"- but I mean I'm all of those things and emotionally wounded to boot. So what does that mean for me? I am so not dating myself! Gay men yes, but I draw a line at self-dating- not at self-loving, but dating yes.

So where do I go from here... how do I go from here actually? I'm looking for directions, people. Left or right...? I have so many questions about how this relates back to the whole "why is dating like this evasive thing for me?" I mean one other thing these wacky Sexy man beasts all have in common... they can't figure out how to love someone... how to wrap their big strapping arms around someone else and give what they have to give. Seriously, seriously... for reals- this is all about me apparently- sans strapping arms. It's alarming to me how much I can see of myself in this now. It's alarming because what if part of the appeal is the doom and pain? What if that's all I see for myself too?

Sometimes when you have these moments of clarity, insane freak out moments of clarity... it creates a chain reaction of "a ha!" moments (not to be confused with the band A Ha!) and that's been a little jarring (like jarring peaches). But maybe all this freak out with shake something terrible loose and I'll be functionally ok. And I'll figure out how to make this all work for me... I mean, duh... how hard could it be? I've totally already got myself wrapped around my little finger- getting a guy there should be cake. (I also think the violent thing is super hot and that's actually not me... also SNACKLES!!!)

Say it... Don't Spray it.

2010-01-13T10:16:00.003-05:00

CMCC and I were discussing our Sexy missions last night. We were totally going over the schematics of a plant housing some nefarious unSexy experiments (JK JK, peeps) Really we discussed how much effort and focus it takes to really commit to yourself (and your Sexy Missions). I mean, I don't actually love eating oatmeal every morning at work and only drinking water all the live long day. Nothing against water and oatmeal, neither are offensive tasting mind you, they're just not terribly fun to eat. It's not like I sing a song to my fruity flavored oats every day. (I do sing to my eggs on the rare and awesome occasion, however- FUN). In any case, sometimes you sacrifice for Sexy. You most likely made a series of not so good decisions that led you to your unSexy status. So really... I can't believe you if while you talk about getting Sexy you are stuffing your face with cookies and cakes. That's science my friends... stone, cold science.

So let me ask you, what level is your commitment to your own cause. Do you talk a good game or do you actually play the game? Saying you are going to stop "drinking soda" is way different than actually not drinking soda. OMG, I know! It's like calculus and eggs, HARD. For real, intentions are wonderful places to start, but um the key to starting is to actually start and go forward. Eventually the "tomorrow" of which you are always speaking becomes today. (I know I just blew your mind) And today just became NOW.

I'm not going to lie, I have been putting off the working out part of BSB 2010 for a while (How long have you been 17? 'Member that?) and just this week I've been laboring through getting at least 20 minutes in every other day. This is not easy. I don't want to do it. But I also don't like that my pants fit tighter, that I'm exhausted all the time, that I'm still unhappy with my body... so I needed to ask myself- Are you serious about losing weight? Do you really want to be fat forever? The answers are no and suddenly "tomorrow" became NOW and I got off my ass and worked out. I don't always get to eat and drink what I want right now. UM, I did that for the last 33 years. If you are serious about changing your life, be serious about it. Just don't keep talking about it for months about how you want to lose 30 lbs and/or work out and/or get a new job- because quite frankly, I don't care to hear about it. I want to see about it (like you know, visual examples of your commitment to yourself and Sexy). Results speak for themselves and they are sooo less obnoxious than the ramblings of a playa (Sexy hata).

Make it a goal this week to marry yourself at least a little to your goals... stop drinking iced tea, work out, no more alcohol for the month, eat portion controlled meals, fix your resume, write 5 pages of whatever you are writing... Just please stop talking about it- for BSB 2010, fluffy puppies, American and coz mostly, you spit when you talk.

Turbulence Ahead!

2010-01-07T11:22:00.001-05:00

There are some things in life we are terrified of changing because status quo is maybe not the happiest we've ever been, but maybe it's not the unhappiest we've ever been either. It is, what it is, life- routine- standard. Shaking up the norm is big time scary- like moving somewhere new, or getting a new job, or killing demons. Huge Crazy Change seems to = EVIL, why? Because aren't you ok with the way things are ultimately- comfy, cushy, easy (demon killin')? Yea, it's ok to admit you are... 99% of us are ok with it. But the question is, should we be? (we should totes be scared of demons and ghosts)

Obviously life requires we have jobs and responsibilities and what not- we can't really just jump into the great white ocean and say "F U life- I'm living now!" (That would be super cool, btw) I know all that- and I rather enjoy stability because I am stable and I like things to be as reliable as I am... BUT I am rarely boring. And I think this might be the year I make some fundamental changes. I mean I tried last year to move into a house, but I think that wasn't really the answer. The universe was all "Um, no don't do that" and I was like all whiny "But WHY??" and now I know, wasn't supposed to happen. But this year, I don't know- it feels different and turbulent and exciting. Kind of like how March can come in like a Lion and then out like a half-eaten Lamb... Or I mean like if your year starts out all wild and Lionnessy- don't roll over and Lamb up the second half of the year... ROAR- fight... I mean Here's to All the Lions... Shouting the battle cry of victory (GO MHS-NORTH!) In all seriousness (books and wine and surgery) if you just BAAAAAA and let someone sheer you... how can you expect results in life?

I don't plan on letting myself down this year- I did last year and I'm hurting from it and totes bloated now and it's not pretty. I want good things in my life, moments of Awesome, moments of victory, moments of I totally made this happen all by myself. We all deserve those moments- so stop bleating at yourself and let out a roar on how you are going to be all that you can this year and the years to follow. Only you can prevent forest fires and wallowing depression and becoming someone's bitch lamb... ROAR!!!! (PS yes in Twilight the Lion did fall in love with the Lamb, but... really I'm totally a lion who needs a man-lion... sorry wimpy dudes!)

Come Sail Away... Come Sail Away with Me.

2010-01-05T10:14:00.000-05:00

First of all, how was I not spending time listening to Styx for the last 30 something years? I mean- yes my elder bruder totally listened to Domo Origato (spelling?) in the car on our 6 hour car tortures to Lowell and Maine- BUT I haven't spent a lot of time rocking out to them since then... and can I tell you I <3 Renegade. So Cheestastic!

Today on my way into work I was thinking... What does it actually take to make a Sexy revolution work? I mean we all have to want it and not just say we want it- but mean we want it. Everyone wants to lose weight (or gain), get confident, be happier in theory. But are you ready to really put on the gloves, do the hard math and make real changes? I think you need to be honest with yourself because Sexy is not for the weak. You want change, make it happen. You want to postulate about Sexy- go find another blog, maybe one about cats and football. I am not a theorem lady (except I have a special place for the Pythagorean Theorem- A squared is like so Sexy and then plus B squared- SHAZAM!).

You can lie to me and say "YES, sign me up for battle Sexy Protagonist Lady Person!" and then never eat better, never work out, never make the changes you've been saying need to happen every day for 4 years. I won't know, well some of you I will cause we are totes friends... But mostly, it's your business (a dastardly business of not being Sexy). Lying to yourself, however, that's a tricky thing. It can compound on itself... and kind of ruin your potential Sexy and dig yourself into a full on hibernating, ugly, shame spiral. That is not good. We can't win a war like that (really I mean that's kind of obvious)... and neither can you.

So look out at the ocean of insecurity that you have hidden deep down... I'm staring at mine right now. It is kind of terrible and deep and turbulent and also... this super ugly color brown (yuck). But what it doesn't know is that I've got a Destroyer (that transforms!!) and that I'm ready to face it head on this time. So climb aboard... because this vessel (which was once called the ship of dreams) is setting sail STAT and I need all the tough pirates I can find. (I've run out of watery tough guys officially) Take no prisoners, be real with yourself and get your land-lubbing ass moving... and sail with me or like blow shit up with me. Yea, explosions. Sexy.

Omens for a Great -n- Sexy 2010!

2010-01-04T11:37:00.000-05:00

How was everyone's New Year's Celebrations? Was it totes Awesome?! Did you rock out the end of a wackly weird unsatisfying year? Did you use more question marks than neccessary? Well I have check marks in all those columns - except the question mark column I totally put a ? there. I'm so clever.

Anyhoo- Happy 2010 to all my loyal and cool and Sexy revolutionaries! Are you all ready to Bring Your Sexy Back? I know I am. I am also ready to disengage from the GLUTTON. Gluttony was sooo last decade and we are all about this decade- which was declared on New Year's by a crack staff made up of Ken, Sambler, and Alan that this was the time of LUST. So lust it up people, but no more glutton. Take the reins and get laid, but don't like gorge after. See how it works?

Ok so my 2010 started off with a hilarious evening (out with above mentioned "crack staff"). Once dinner was over and the ball had droppethed, I went Karaoke wild with my own special version of Extraordinary by Liz Phair. We moved on not long after that- as the place we were at was LAME and we needed much more fun! So we headed to our local hang out bar and that's where crazyness ensued with boys hitting on me for reals and face in breasts and me making intelligent decisions about guys and not just hittin' that for the sake of doing so... I mean these boys were peeing on each other over me. It was a little bit Awesome. And a really nice way to start the year. I should have boys fighting with each other over me. I have a great set of breasts and I'm super hilarious and lively. Don't believe me... ask the dishes.

Once the g'times of NYEve were over and my brunch with my Gay Husbands was over, I headed on up to the Casa de Frisbie-Smith. BUT on my way, no shit or lies, I saw the real life incarnation of my new fictional boyfriend- Dean Winchester. Full on Black Muscle car, engine idling loudly, side-glance out the car window as he tore down Rt 36- no doubt off to save someone from some nefarious supernaturally evil "Sonofa Bitch". It was insane! Insane and totes mcgotes COOLSVILLE. I'm not quite sure it wasn't a full on hallucination yet, but I like to think of it as an OMEN for the Awesome year ahead. A GOOD OMEN, not a death omen- like on the show. Maybe that means there's a Dean Winchester living somewhere in the great M'Town area? Now all I need to do is get all caught up in a wacky Supernatural Adventure... hmmmm? O What, right - blog... my bad!

So- to sum up... I am already Sexy apparently. I know- that was so easy, right? No, what I mean is that I have great potential here. I do, you do, this year/decade does... We are a strong army and it is time we made war. SEXY!

Good Bye 09!

2009-12-31T17:30:00.000-05:00

True a lot of good things happened this past year... like I went on some dates with some terrible consequences and I got laid for the first time in a lil' while and I totally fell in love with Dollhouse and Supernatural and Dean/Jensen... Curt came back to me, as did my other husband Ken. I got to see New Moon and I watched as the rest of the world totally tortured and followed my boy Bobby P around like crazy, thus validating everything I said in 07 and 08 about him, Edward Cullen, and Twilight in general.

It was an ok year... it was also a year riddled with moments of complete craptasticness. I fell off the wagon so to speak when it came to the Sexy path and I know a lot of my family and friends suffered un-nerving set backs in life. 2009 beat us up because life is full of ups and downs. You apparently can't follow two years of empowerment and happiness up with a third year like that... nope eventually you gotta fall. Like a Sexy angel or something... Well tonight, shake it all off- no questions or remorse or regret... just stop wallowing and commit to yourself, your life, your loved ones that this year despite what sometimes shitty things life throws at you- that you will conquer all and enjoy yourself. I mean, if chaotic life wins, what's the freaking point anyway.

So- say goodbye to this year with a wave and a smile and rock your ass off as soon as it becomes 01 01 10... blue moons, Sexy revolutions, getting your ass together... you are worth it. Believe me, I know.

Happy New Year, my dears!

Blue Moon on New Year's Eve

2009-12-29T11:54:00.000-05:00

Hello All... I hope your last few weeks of 2009 have been happy and homey and funtimes galore. Me, I am having a great time with my family and friends... Actually currently at work- which is no fun. But whatever, I am an adult with responsibility (and with great power comes great responsibility and bitchyness).

I just read that the Full Moon on NYEve is a BLUE MOON. I think this bodes well for an extrememly incredible 2010. Blue Moon's are a rare happening once every few years (and a really good beer, but only from tap). You can read about it on Wikipedia or the Google... I am not writing a paper on the what's/how's of a Blue Moon for you all. That's what the internets is for, I think (and porn and stalking people). In any case, it's not something that happens all the time (stalking or a blue moon). And neither is getting your/mine/ the world's Sexy back in order. I honestly cannot wait until my routine is re-instated, my Sexy routine that is... other routines are kinda repetitive and lame, well except for like gymnastic routines- those are Awesome.

In any case, I hope you are getting all that unSexy behavior out of the way these last few days of 09. You know, gorging, drinking, lazying it up, hooking up with not cute or Sexy peeps... wearing sweatpants, etc... Because come 01.01.10, it is time my friends. And this year will be a journey and a half and I want to hear from all of you about how you are striving to adventure and grow and be totes Sexy. It is the year of us... like in the Chinese Calendar there is a picture of Sexy and now is the year to be re-born.

Now is the time for war. Give it your all. Make it your best ever.

Sing Off: Dork Clad Ridiculous

2009-12-17T15:47:00.000-05:00

CMCC and I have been snuggling on my couch this week watching SING OFF. O.M.G. my friends... it is ridic. I mean Glee can be JOYOUS fun- especially those episodes about Kurt (not my Curt, the other Kurt). But this show... it is insanity personified and Geekilicious.

Hosted by Nick LaChey (of 98 Degrees fame)- this "game"show allows spazzy weird ass folk to compete in an acapella arena. So it's like no instruments- 'cept if you count their voices which they use as like all instruments. It's actually rather annoying. And my o my do these peeps really enjoy their spazztasticness. And apparently, I enjoy it enough to watch it two nights in a row and have a favorite band/group. But I do wonder if (aside from incestual in-group fornicating) these men and women ever get laid. Perhaps they don't want to get laid, like singing is their fucking ~ but I swear getting laid should never be replaced with anything. Can't you do both as a human being?

In any case, because this is a blog about being Super Confident and Sexy- I applaud their enthusiasm and general lack of being aware of how nerdy they truly are... It is a sight to behold. And I am all about embracing your inner dork. But I don't know that I would embrace these people's dorks (Bubs- BLECH- I'm looking in your general direction and trying not to make eye contact). So I will continue to watch, but I have yet to be impressed with anything beyond the over-whelming socially awkwardness of all the contestants.

Also- Pussy Cat Doll Nicole Schwartzeneggar (or whatever)- you are kind of terrible... Ben Folds you are a Middleschool Music teacher... And that other guy from Boys to Men- stop wearing those swearters. Please?

Today is the last official blog for a while... try and live without me and my Sexy. I will be back before New Years! Happy Christmas (That's soo British!)

New Year's Resolutions- Hot Mess or Call to Arms?

2009-12-14T13:05:00.001-05:00

Hey! So I totally watched the "Jersey Shore" this weekend and it was crazy terrible. Well played, MTV... well-played.

Anyhoo- I was thinking about some of my New Year's Resolutions and how they always carry a not so Awesome connotation of lazy give-uppy-ness and how we need to change that kind of down-ward facing dog thinking when it comes to bettering ourselves. Sexy 08 was a New Year's Revolution... well 2010 is going to be all out WAR against your lack of Sexy. So Resolute yourselves up, my friends. Because this is the year that changes your life. Take no prisoners and so on and so forth and write your Declarations of Sexy-pendence and tell the British to Fuck off... (um, wait I think the Brits are Sexy...) I mean tell your Insecurities "Your mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore" - much like I did below...

1. Get off my Fat Ass: I used to do this 5 times a week. Back in '08. Then Bobby P happened and I got side-tracked and me and mine was a mess along with my upper respiratory system. And then, well I got lazy and enjoyed sleeping in on weekends and eating again and it was just a tangled web of a shame spiral and wham back to feeling not so groovy or the Sexy. So plan A- simple enough - GO FOR A FREAKING WALK. Done and done.

2. Get a little Ebenezory (pre-Xmas Carol) with my spending: I have become a spending lunatic. Gluttony knows no bounds. So when eating out happens, spending out happens... I have to stop. It is a matter of National (my own country) security. Honestly I just don't want to scrape by- I want to spend money on the things that matter the most, the things I want the most... Like going to a Supernatural Convention (I'm a Geek, I need help) Right now, I am just spending and it is DUMBSVILLE. It is time to grow up (and spend my money on practical things like meeting Jensen Ackles).

3. Become an Iron Chef: I need to cook more because I can control what I'm making and eat and what not. It is cheaper and better for me and it requires me to be more disciplined about what I'm eating. I was a machine in 2007 and 2008 about eating and working out. And you know what, it was totally doable and not at all terrible. It just means I can't be lazy about anything. And I kinda enjoyed cooking. I felt very in charge of my life and adulty. It was totes Sexy and so was I.

4. Doing it for me (for me): I need to remember something very important... I am Awesome and Sexy. I have the best people around me (The Wanglois Clan, Heather/Chris, Kristin/Paul, Ken, Curt, Alan/Sam, Seth, Sexy Goddesses, etc...) and I have a pretty freaking amazing life. And I am a fan-fucking-tastic person. And I deserve to be happy. A resolution to treat myself right- pedicures and a night out with my friends, and a night alone with my new vibrator (Dean Winchester). Making myself feel productive and creative and swanktastic... it's beyond important to give yourself props for all that you do, for others, for yourself, at your job. Enjoy life, that's a resolution I could make out with all day long.

5. I've fallen over and I got up all on my own: Bumps in the road, rest stop breaks, full on vacations from the Sexy routine are fine as long as you get back on the road once your time off is over and you resume the game. Like um, back in the day on the Nintendo system (pre-save game) and you'd have to pause a game for days in order to beat it... RESUME your game- despite your pee breaks of Awesome (and there will be some). No one expects perfection- in fact it's rather annoying to be perfect so drop the act. Make a committment to yourself that is unshakable, even when you cheat with guacamole and sitting on your coach all day. Let your Sexy know that it means everything to you and that it is all the matters this year!

Ok so- get cracking on your own lists of Awesome Sexy Goals. Remember it's WAR, my friends... And WAR is hard, like eggs ya'll.

The Real Jersey Shore...

2009-12-11T17:10:00.000-05:00

I have not seen "Jersey Shore" by the MTV yet. BUT I CANNOT WAIT! I cannot wait to see how us shore peeps are represented as the Sexy Beasts we are! um... what? We aren't Sexy on the show? But the Italian Shore People I know don't even like being Italian, let alone called "guidos" - can people even say that word still without someone getting offended? Weird. I still cannot wait to watch the show, but playa please.... we are waaaay Sexier than those people- in reality.

I'm not exactly sure where everyone got the idea that the NJ Shore line was THE place for the I-talian Americans to reunionize themselves every June, July and August... but it's out there. And it's scary.

Check it out this weekend! I know I will.

Sorry for the short blog today- I promise next week will be KICKING and Sexy!!

Sexy Up My Friends!

2009-12-09T11:26:00.000-05:00

We talk a lot (we... I mean, me... I forget that CMCC isn't with me on this blog)- I write a lot about unSexy behavior... Mostly because I am the Queen, sometimes, of unSexy behavior. BUT today is actually not about how terrible we are to ourselves. Today is actually about pampering and enabling all those wonderful things that makes us feel the Sexiest, The Best, in short... makes us totes Super Awesome n Shiny so that all the universe can see. What/Who/When- gives us our Sexy Best?

Now I'm not talking about like getting ready for a Prom or the Oscars or something normal like a Hollywood Holiday party- although if that's what does it for you- Mazel Tov! For me, though as everyday/banal as this sounds, it's laughing. Laughing my ass off. That is Sexy. Laughing with friends... the best friends on the planet I might add... THE SEXIEST! Those are the moments when it's not about what does my hair, ass, clothes, etc look like - it's about loving my life and my friends and all that is happening in my little world. That is when I feel in control and happy and Insecurity can kiss my ass. Confidence Up, Dynothrusters are Go- Let's go Sexy Force! (I wonder if any of you know what that references)

So this Holiday time... I'm begging you all to laugh. Whether you are out at a wonderful wedding affair where you are dancing and laughing yourself silly or sitting at your friend's house snorting uncontrollably over a ridiculous 80's movie about dancin' (Footloose, I am looking at you) or playing RockBand and possibly drinking yourself into a stupor- LAUGH. It is a force of nature. A wonderful universal solvent to pain and whatever else is ailing your Sexy.

Enable Your Sexy- enable your friends' Sexy- Enable the Sexy of people around you even if you don't know them (But not creepy strangers... best leave those to the cops)... everyone needs a little special Awesome in their lives. I have my friends- they are the keys to my Sexy... What gets your Sexy going?

Fantasy vs Reality vs Your Sexy

2009-12-06T19:06:00.003-05:00

I have seen New Moon a handful of times now... The pathos is tangible to me every time. The reality is simple: I still hurt. But I knew that about myself. I keep pockets of pain to pick at and remind myself that I used to be in love... once, twice maybe. I haven't felt like I was in love in so long now that I've taken to dating my coat, vibrator, Dean Winchester, Edward Cullen, and my gay male friends... without that kind of love song medley emotion- you can date anything (give it a try, I triple tucan dare you) really. But back to my point about New Moon... what gets me sometimes in the story is that Bella gets the wishfufillment moment at the end... Edward comes back and he wants her more than ever. She wanted that and she got it. He's back and with a vengence. Wow. What's that like?

I used to fantasize that moment when I was freshly single. The perfect way it would resolve my pain. The moment when everything I wanted came rushing back- comfy and prestine and ok. It's such a trick. It's such a dirty little trick we try on ourselves. "He'll remember how much he loved me and come back and I'll be happy again." I won't have to feel like this anymore. Luckily for Bella, her pain is appeased in the end (and well Jacob Black's six-pack doesn't hurt either)- but I didn't get that soothing calm moment when all my suffering was taken away. I suffered through. I've suffered through. I am better off for learning to cope, not getting an easy way out. I am happier without any of them. But fantasy, gosh... it will kick your ass sometimes.

Now speaking of fantasy... I get carried away with mine sometimes. And I'm well aware. I hibernate in my head- protecting the heart. It's been three years now of hibernating and I don't know what I want anymore or who I want anymore. I have so much to give someone- but really what I should be thinking is that someone should have so much to give me. And then I get all jumbly messed up in my brain and I realize that it's so complicated trying to figure out who and when and what and blah blah and I end up smitten with false idols... I end up dating my television set instead of letting any of you worthwhile chaps break my heart.

So what? So fantasy and reality and Sexy are not the best of friends... someday- I'll figure out how to make it all work together. Someday someone who I most likely least suspect will make me laugh... brush my hair out of my face, and make me blush. No silver Volvos, no Super Powers, no drinking blood, and no crazy over protective streak... (maybe a cro-magnon brow)- And it will be Sexy as hell, I swear.

UnSexy Patterns aka The Terrible Checkered Plaid of Doom

2009-12-02T10:17:00.000-05:00

Sometimes we follow really unsuccessful strains of thought (Swine Flu) over and over and over again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat and Repeat and Repeat. Sometimes these are harmless, innocous things (like puppies- gosh I love those little guys). And well, sometimes they are not Awesome like puppies... maybe they are terrible like let's say falling for the same kind of unrequited D-Bag over and over and over OR making the same bad decision with your significant other to infinite and beyond and then some.

As people (Soyan Choi is People! O Charlemagne) we like the comfort of what we know... even if what we know is terrible and galactically crazy. We will gladly make the same ridiculous, insane, stupid decision countless times over just because we are familiar with the outcome, the pain, the whatever. Asking people (Soyan Choi is people?) to change a bad habit like this is like asking me to stop caring what Bobby P or Ackles looks like without a shirt on (possibly another bad habit of mine)... meaning- that's hard, like eggs ya'll. And really- can people (soyan choi is people.) break the chains of habitual bad choices? I say we can. But then again, I say a lot of crazy things (Soyan Choi is People!! For example)

I have made some of the worst repeato girl choices ever in life. Seriously I have fallen for the same asshat about... O I don't know... 4 or 5 times. I have played the same game over and over and over and lost every time. Why? Because it's easier than asking a brandy new kind of guy to play. I'd rather be confused and someone's bitch than actually deal with changing up my man strategery. It's too complicated, in my mind (no really it is) to maybe find guys who are 100% into me. Instead Mr. "I'm so confusing I need White-Out"- is who I pick time and time and time and time again. (Maybe one more time again for good measure). Do you see how un-smart that is? And yet, I continue to be that insane (isn't that the definition of insanity?).

So for the upcoming SEXY YEAR (Yea 2010!!)- let's make a pledge to travel the path less traveled. On the rare occasion I did that, it had made all the difference in my life. So break tradition (your asstastic ones mostly) and pull a George Costanza and go against instinct. Cast off your Plaid Golf Pants of Doom and make a stand in 2010 for yourself, your Sexy, and solid colors everywhere... UnSexy Patterns are out and You, my friends, are in... Aufwiedersehen.

Stream of Sexy... cause im Sickly

2009-12-01T16:01:00.000-05:00

I am soo sorry I didn't write yesterday. I was very sick and I still am so I don't know where this rambling will lead, but here's to hoping it at least circles Sexy.

So I totally finished watching Supernatural Seasons 1-4 over the Thanksgiving weekend and boy howdy are those boys Sexy and they make me cry, cry in my lonely heart. I now feel a little dead inside because I have no Winchester Boys to watch anymore. I knew I should have totally slowed down. But whatever... I can know sell that crack out like I did Twilight. I have already corrupted one with two others waiting in the wings. I love to share my enthusiasm for things, things being men... Hott, Sexy, bleeding, sometimes crying, always manly men!

I mentioned I was sick today- I acquired a mini-plague (not to be confused with Swine Flu) over the Thanksgiving weekend. I hope I have not spread that around like I want to spread the Supernatural Love (which is just my love of the show Supernatural and not like some weird love spell)... I also many of my Sexy Awesome friends this weekend- It is important that not only your family knows you love them over the holiday times... Your friends are super important to your Sexy- so let them know.

I have started X-MAS shopping- that is not an easy task when you don't know what to get people... like people who like Golf, let's say. Not easy. I was thinking I'd like a Wii for myself or some Converse sneakers or as always, a kiss under some mistletoe. I like making out.

Ok- so I'm so out of it, I have no idea what I'm talking about anymore- all's I know is that I had to write. So here you go- The crazy sick ramblings about Sexy. I think. Was it?

Giving Sexy... a break from the Sexy

2009-11-25T16:46:00.002-05:00

I'll be brief, you be Sexy:

Tomorrow we give Thanks to the Pilgrims doing crazy wacky things back in the day (including but not limited to that whole smiting of the indigenous people thing, eating turkey, telling the English government to screw off, wearing funny hats, making their own butter, and killing possible witches). In any case, no matter what it really started with, Thanksgiving has evolved into a day we gorge ourselves on dead birds and sweet potatoes and pies and have "fun" with our family. Totally not normally Sexy, but tomorrow throw your arms around the idea of laughing and eating and drinking with loved ones and let the Sexy glow of it all infiltrate you from head to toe. It will be totes worth it, I promise.

Special Shout out to my Sexy family - I will miss you terribly this Thanksgiving. Be Safe and Sexy!

No Blog this Friday... Vacation, but I'll be back on Monday!

Do you believe in Sexy?

2009-11-23T16:06:00.000-05:00

The holidays are upon us (take cover Sexy) and normally that means we are beaten about the head and neck and feet with ideas of magical red-suited jolly guys and tiny elves and "something in the air" ridiculousness... It's a time when it's ok to believe in the crazier things in life, when it's ok to believe in magic. But I say Bah Humbug and something negative in Jewish (I know, Yiddish)! How about you believe in something more substantial this Holiday Season, I say you believe in your own Sexy. WHAT? Great Idea, I know. It's time my dears... time to celebrate your glittering tinsel self. Beginning now... for forever and ever and ever... Hallelujah! (I'm so clever and Sexy!)

Ok- back to my Very Special Holiday Point... 'Tis the Season for dressing up and feeling great and being loved by all your friends, family, that dude at the gas station, all those Facebook strangers who stalk you... those two boys from Supernatural, Robert Pattinson, puppies... you know, the usual suspects in your "These People Love Me" list. It's also the season for making yourself realize just how Santa-Clausy special you are... If we could believe, as children, that some dude traveled the world in one night giving us WAY too many presents... Why can't we, as adults, believe in the simple concept that we are completely Awesome and Sexy? Santa seems so much more ridic, right? And yet... and yet.

So what can you do? Believe in yourself. Believe in the magic of the season. Believe that you really are a special treat wrapped up in a splendid bow waiting to be unwrapped by the most Awesome person/thing/occupation/whatever. Be the stuffing in your Sexy Turkey... the Sexy Marshmallows on top of your sweet potato lives. Just tap into this magical, mystical time of year and give the gift of Sexy to yourself. Dress it up however you like, trees with lights... red hats with white fur (fur?)... jingle bells... menorah candles... kwanza whatevers- just do it. Believe in your Sexy and see what it brings you this Holiday Season. If not, a fairy dies and an angel... well he goes straight to hell sans the wings. I'm just sayin'...

New Moon's Sexy as Hell, but not for the Un-Twilight of Heart

2009-11-20T11:48:00.001-05:00

One day, in your crazy happenstance life, it's highly likely someone will break your heart... like shatter it, broken. And it will be terrible. Like I'm talking catatonic, it's just hard to breathe right now, nothing matters anymore terrible. And the only cure is to suffer and live through it. Funtimes, right? Not really. But it's one of those moments in your life, when/if it happens, you don't forget... ever.

When I read New Moon (the book), 'lo those many years ago (2007)... it killed me. Edward breaks up with Bella and she suffers and suffers and suffers. And it is, in my opinion, some of the most spot on writing regarding that kind of intense love-lorn pain I've ever read. In fact, I still have not read that book from cover to cover since that illustrious "first time" because it is too much for me and my sappy heart. And I was terrified of this movie... because of the break up. Because of how much it hit home in the book... because I've never forgotten my own terrible heart-breaking pain... ever.

So the question is, now that I've seen New Moon (the movie)... how does it stack up next to the power and pain of the book? Well let me start with this, I thought Kristen Stewart was super fantastical. She is trauma personified. If you don't like her, I'm sorry to report, she is the heart of the movie and you will have to stare at her pretty, little, pained face for about 2.5 hours. If you are like me, however, and heart her... I think you will be pleased with how much gravitas she brings to this role. She took it seriously folks. Her heart is shattered, and her acting is especially effective in those moments where she is writhing around in pain screaming and crying in her bed. Seriously, let's just say "THANK BOBBY P" they were merely flashes because I wouldn't have survived the movie otherwise. As it was, I spent the first half of the movie shaking.

Other than that, it is- quite simply, the book. All the story of the book in glorious rippling man/boy flesh. Taylor Lautner is very likable as Jacob Black and so are his abs. He made me "like" Jacob (as a friend, people) and pulled off his job in the movie... (and his shirt) TL was a nice distraction, but ultimately - much like Jacob Black- TL is no replacement for Robert Pattinson. Edward/Bobby P not being in the movie is depressing for those addicted to him/him. And just like Bella... I wanted to see him... fake him was better than no him. No him is not an option in these movies. No him not only breaks Bella's heart, but my heart as well~ there's no heat when there's no Bobby P (for me at least).

So should you see it? Well um... and I say this lovingly to all of you... If you don't like the books and/or the first movie- PLEASE DON'T. I don't want to hear how "cheesy" it is or silly. You are not of the land of Twi-crack Addicts and it was not made for you. I don't go see things like "The Godfather" and get all "SNOOZEFEST with crazy accents" on you (I totally would). So avoid it. But if you love yourself some Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner... Or Jacob Black and Edward Cullen get you going- see it. It is a moral imperative and it's totes worth it. I really enjoyed it and I think on the second go round will enjoy it even more. But really... Seriously... The real movie comes out in June 2010... Look out baby because ECLIPSE hits theaters soon enough and therein lies the best of the best. Team Edward, Bitches!

Love Letters to Yourself...

2009-11-18T10:40:00.002-05:00

Dear Nikki, how do I love thee- let me count the ways... 1 way, 2 ways, 3 ways... AHAHAHAHA! (lightening and smoke erupt!)

Do you see what I did there? Aside from referencing The Count!, I mean. I wrote myself a love letter, a very lame and tragically pointless and vague love letter, but still a love letter. Those of us questioning our Sexy or working on it or trying to get our Sexy back in shape need to remember that actually liking yourself is kinda key here. How do you remind yourself that you are incredible and Awesome? If your answer is, O- um I don't... Houston, we have a problem and Tom Hanks and Kevin Bacon (?) ain't here to fix the Apollo 13 space thing and get us home... Nope, right now you are all you have and you have to get your ass to planet Sexy all alone. (Wow!) So stop whining about your bad hair or huge ass and really look at yourself long and hard (that's what she said)... It's time to write yourself a Sexy Serenade, starting now.

I tell myself stories to help me fall asleep... kind of like counting sheep, but with like more action-adventure and sex than your average Sheep counting scenario (I hope). Most of the time, I see myself as my ideal... physically, occupationally, financially... ideal. But you know what's frequently not that different, the chewy, nougatty Nicolle center. I like who I am, maybe I'm a little spazz-tastic, but really... it's adorable more than annoying. And I'm super smart and totally funny and I'm the most loyal person you will ever meet. I'm sassy and mean sometimes, but if I love you, it's like for good... even when I don't LOVE you anymore, part of me cares and worries(even if you were a douche to me). I know all of these Awesome things and I keep them fresh in my mind because one wrong move and I slide right back into the FAT thing and that kind of consumes me (get it... get it... obese humor, it's a thing!) In any case, you have to believe you are worth many diamonds and gold and puppies (puppies would be Awesome currency, I think I've mentioned this before) because people can read that on you. All people- not just potential spouses... I'm talking jobs, friends, that guy ripping your ticket for New Moon, judging you for being 33 and going to see the movie at mid-night when it open. You give them the confidence you absolutely should have... ain't no one gonna question you. Game Faces... we all need them, we all have to believe in them to some degree.

So write yourself a song, sonnet, letter, dissertation, declaration of Sexy-pendence... whatever, just remember that you are Awesome and Cool and Sexy as hell. And tell yourself it often. Every night I'm this Sexy bitch who gets the man of her dreams (sometimes it's not who you think), does photo as a job, is wealthy, and is super funny, sassy, smart and loyal. Signed, Sealed, Delivered... I'm mine.

If you can't be with the one you love...

2009-11-16T13:02:00.001-05:00

So you all know I'm crazy-town... it's like an endearing crazy, but a crazy none-the-less. And you know when I'm not dating, which is 99% of the time, I tend to warm to the seedy under-belly of celebrity-dom and mega-crush on a small collection of Super Hotties (sometimes I write like a 13 yr old, right?). Well I have a new Crush In The Making (CITM)... Welcome my dear readers to JENSEN ACKLES!

I think it's kind of funny the way my brain works all this man/dating/broken heart baggage out. Whenever I feel a crush coming on, I know it's my head's way of saying... we miss being in love, but we are so not ready for that kind of hot mess/soul-sucking/evil minions of hell kind of thing again... so hey- check out that Hott and Rugged Dude on the TV (or in this book or on that screen) and I fall in smitten lusty goodness with a stranger whom I will never meet, but who makes me happy. It's kind of a little bit perfect, a tiny slice o' heaven, if you will.

Ok, so it's not perfect because all this energy is wasted and stupid to some degree, but that's some Negative Ned you are all being... Being Sexy and Confident is about spinning even the worst things into Solid Gold! I know (hope mostly) that I'm going to be in love again, in all its stupid messy Awesome intense life-alteringness, but right now, I'm not and I'm a human being (a funny and uniquely Awesome one) and I like guys (lovely, lovely men) and I need something sometimes... something that gives me a happy. Someone who makes me giggle and feel dopey and reminds me that being in love is kind of terribly perfect and one day I'll have a hand to hold... instead of my remote control.

But until then, I will embrace the choices my brain makes for me. Robert, Tom, David and now Jensen... All I know is that the pattern is clear with the characters they play: I'm holding out for a hero (a really muscular/superhuman hero- no pressure there guys). And when I finally meet my Clark Kent/Edward Cullen/Angel/Dean guy, don't worry... my boys here can handle my fan-girlness subsiding a little. They understand me. But for now... o boy for now. My Sexy Trifecta just became an Awesome Quartet. So Sexy!

Why a Break Up Can Be Sexy...

2009-11-13T15:38:00.001-05:00

2009 is the year of the Break-Up! And I don't mean that movie starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. This year MANY people I know have broken up with long time lovers (not necessarily kept under cover), short-term hook ups and anything in between and I am here to tell you, sometimes a Break Up is a Make Up, wait no... it's a Make Over? Break-Over? Um, whatever... what I'm trying to say is that a Break Up! can be good for your Soul and your Sexy. Believe you/me.

Now yes there is that initial turmoil and sobbing and eating and sobbing some more and listening to like Celine Dion and cuddling with your dog or mailman (cause he stopped by to deliver the mail and you were sad) and what not and that's all like really no good, aka NOT SEXY. But once all the drama-rama ceases and desists, you are left with the Awesome and Sexy opportunity to start over and maybe actually be happy for once (well I'm sure you've been happy more than once, but I'm talking about like since things headed South in your 'ship of dreams). After the Break Up!- you have a chance to regain yourself. Most of the time we can't see the Sexy for the clouds (trees? I have Forks on the brain), but it's there and we just have to grab it (it, it... not me!)

I went through something not too Sexy a while ago... And there were gross displays of melancholy to behold, but once all that settled and I let the poison burn out of my system (Um, New Moon is coming out next week!), I could see the sunshine and puppies finally. I wasn't crying over how he let me down anymore, I wasn't disappointed or beaten down anymore, I wasn't waiting around for him to break my heart again... in long, I was me all whole and happy-ish and it was good, not perfect (but who is?), but good. And you too can feel that way because the ultimate lesson we all hafta learn after a Break Up! is it didn't work for a reason. Regardless of villains and victims, you guys are not together because Piece A didn't really fit so well into Slot B (dirty).

On the flipside of all that, I do not wish for any of you to suffer Break Up!'s just to enhance your Sexy. 'Ships are HARD like EGGS, ya'll. They can be no fun, for reals and well you have to work at them. They shouldn't break you, but there will be times the greener grass will seem like the most beautiful place on the planet compared to your life with your sweet Baboo... and I'm sorry for that, for all of you. But peoples is peoples and sometimes we suck, but you know when you look into his/her eyes and he/she does something so utterly him/her (enough) that you/I melt... That's love in all it's Sexy Weird Glory. Hard and stupid and elusive and sometimes wrong... So whether you have just Broken Up! with someone, or are getting through a difficult time with your forever-lover, or are totes Happy n Loving your lil' Monkey Man/Woman (ha), or Sexy, or are Swinging and Single... Remember- Sexy is a state of mind... so stop wandering around in the nerdy Hippocampus and get back into Sexy.

Must Watch Sexy...

2009-11-11T10:01:00.001-05:00

Last night Curtis Mary Chapin Carpenter and I laid in my bed together and watched a show he doesn't normally watch. (He is my weekday husband now that he's back in the Jerse) And whilst we were totally spooning, I realized how I had not shared my new Sexy faves with ya'll lately. I love the Sexy tv, and the Sexy boys, and the Sexy... And I love when all three come together (teehee)

Dollhouse: This is my favorite show on the Televisions. Joss Whedon is my TV God and this is just an AWESOME example of his panache for strong, female everything and quirky, little stories and really lovable, yet flawed characters. I heart it so very much. It really goes into this whole philosophical deconstruction of soul and who we are at our cores vs how our lives have molded us... As Mr Rothstein would say very deep (good) stuff! ALSO- Eliza Dushku andTahmoh Penikett (his name is ridunkulous but his body is not)! SERIOUSLY SEXY! And the fun doesn't stop there- IT DOESN'T! I mean Charlemagne and I watch it together whenever it is new and we love pretending we are actives on engagements. Ok, no we don't BUT his name is Foxtrot on my phone and I'm totes November. And that's something.

Supernatural: Um, apparently this show has been on for 4.5 years now. Where was I? Seriously, where was I? Supernaturally things going bump in the night, two severely HOTT young men, violence, violence, violence, two severely HOTT young men (not that young either ~ like 30 )... How did I not get on that crazy train when it started? O wait, I tried but I found it too scary. Stop laughing, I did. I am not a horror buff, despite my love of Vampires (I'm getting there)- so I tried it out and I was terrified. I watched the whole show with the volume down and was like "that's that- never again" But LO! I caught an episode here and there and now I'm hooked with a capital JENSEN ACKLES! It really is entertaining and funny and doesn't take itself too seriously, plus two hott guys beating things up and bleeding prettily every week! Sexy!

GLEE: I heart Glee. I don't care if you do or not. But you should, a lot. Yes it's a little corny, but that's the point... Yes the musical numbers are a little overly-produced, so what! I tear up every time that goofy group busts out a number (I know, but I do!). I have even downloaded some of the music- MASHUPS are the best. Yea so the story lines are crazy town and pregnancy bs is sooo 1980s, but the actors are totally likable, plus MUSIC! And there are cuties on the show including the dreamy Mr Schuester (please don't dance hip-hop anymore), Finn (he's preciously stupid) and Puck (sigh I heart bad-boys)! SO very cute and there's catchy tune-age, what's not to love? Sometimes silly is Sexy (I think Curt and I told you that once before). Watch it!

Vampire Diaries: Before you have to stop me... I didn't want to like this show. I tried really hard not to. And I didn't at first. See I had read the books eons ago in the high school. And I was like "easy readin" and then when I read TWILIGHT I thought "this is a lot like that Vamp Diaries series, but 1,000 times better." So I'm not so fly-by night Vampire admirer here... and I have started to get into this silly little CW show. Is Stefan Edward Cullen Sexy, no but that actor has a FORE-HEAD! And does Elena have to sound like Miley Cyrus when she speaks- ugh, no please... BUT it does have these really bright spots of clarity like when they killed a major character right after she was changed into a vampire and one of the brothers (there's another vamp but I can't talk about Sommersault, he irks me and is not Sexy) got shot. They do high surprise drama well... Will it ever be BUFFY, Angel, Twilight, or even Supernatural or Smallville... I doubt it, but it has sometimes Sexy men running around shirtless and the bonus of the VAMPYRE! Huzzah!

So what new Sexy stuff have you been watching lately? What gets your Sexy juices flowin' (um...)? Discovery Channel? iCarly? Some sort of NISC show? Whatever... let your Sexy flow across the airwaves... or Fios cable lines.

ReSexyssion

2009-11-09T12:19:00.001-05:00

I like Robert Pattinson. What? Haven't I mentioned that lately? O my, silly me. Well there you go~ Bobby P rocks my socks. Anyway, my point being that if someone dangled him in front of me I would give chase. I would move my ass to try and grab him... if he were my transparent dangling carrot, motivational problems would be solved. But alas, he's totes busy with his New Moon junket these days and not available to be my own personal life coach... SO~ I (you, your face, your mom) need to figure out which incentives will get us to our Sexy goals and which are too weak to withstand the internal debates and deals we make that undermine our Awesome. In short, what kind of Stimulus Package does your Sexy truly need.

Now you don't have to promise yourself something like 700 billion dollars (that is sooo a fake number btw) if you get to your goal weight or finally find that super stupendous job, but you should reward yourself like a puppy getting a treat whenever you really see results... whenever your Sexy Stock soars. It keeps you and your Sexy in balance and the Sexy-conomy working- I swear. No one likes a plummeting anything and plummeting Sexy, well... I don't know if there are words for that. Gross. That's a word for it. Pathetic is also a good choice too. (Apparently there are quite a few for it, who knew?) So give yourself some perks, a new shirt... a fancy new phone... a well placed vibrator, wasevs. Just know that we need these little things to give us the daily reminder that it is worth it... BUT we also need SUPER compulsions that drive us on, like some kind of crazy pioneers of Sexifest Destiny... um, you know... just like that?

So what are good catalysts for a strong Sexy? For me... this blog for one- there is accountability between you and I and as a result I am less likely to back off on my goals. What else, your health? Booo, boring! Honestly, I don't want to vague up what ideals could make you sweat til you bleed... they have to be personal and they have to be real. If they aren't, what are you doing here at a revolution? Maybe you should go find that Teddy Bear Picnic I hear so much about- that seems up your alley. If you don't make this worth your while, you won't succeed. It's true, don't believe me... ask the dishes.

So really the formula for Sexy is this: Fire + Ass = Sexy. It's pretty simple. It's pretty hard (like eggs ya'll). We all know that we have to work at this, it's why we are here. If we were all Sexy to start off with, there would be no reason for any of this... So figure out what's going to get your bum outta bed, off the couch, and on the road to Sexy. A Strong ambition is the key, well ambition and Robert Pattinson standing in front of you smiling and handing you a towel. (Yea... or like he's only wearing a towel) I mean... O you know what I mean.

Something Sexy This Way Comes

2009-11-06T10:09:00.001-05:00

Now I know yesterday I said don't chase Water Buffalo, which is great advice in general (mostly cause I think we chased them all into oblivion in like the Old Tyme Days, no?), but today I'm going to blog about anticipation... chasing the orgasm of life... aka fore-play! (Huzzah)

Not that kind of fore-play (down boys/girls)~ Sheesh! Like the way having something to look forward to really just mentally enhances your mood... The Sexy uplift we all get when something Awesome is on the horizon of our social calendars- the build-up makes life magical. It doesn't matter if the moment is small or huge (neither does this really matter with penis size either, at least in my opinion), it's just the way you let yourself think about it, wonder what will happen, enjoy the potential... in short you gotta make out and feel up your life or you ain't gonna get any Sexy play from it. True Story, I swear.

Now if you are living an unSexy life, all you do is look at the negative. Wah! I'm not gonna know anyone there. Wah! What if they talk about football! Wah! What if the ship sinks and we all die! You know that kind of Negative Nancy behavior gets you nowhere and super fast. We all have to hug out the bad and grope up the good. It's Science!

I love myself some anticipation. I love myself a calendar chock full of exciting or mediocrely exciting moments. Hell, I get jazzed up whether it's dinner at a friend's house with their whole freaking extended family or a Masquerade Ball Wedding in Massachusetts. I just like knowing my life is full, knowing I have things happening, knowing that adventure is around every corner (like a crime novel!).

So plan some activities and let the fore-play begin... get excited about what you are going to wear, who's going to be there, what fun you will have. Let the Sexy, Awesome hit the insane Apex and pulsing... Um, just enjoy it, I mean. If a negative thought enters your mind, blow it away with an AK 47 (is that a gun?) and let the magical climax of Sexy, Funtimes wash over you. No, Seriously.

What are you currently looking most forward to?? Thanksgiving? New Moon? Dinner at Killer's (O wait that's me)? Find an event and make sweet, sweet love my Sexies! For Reals.

Don't Go Chasing... Waterfalls, Windmills, Wardcorn, Water Buffalos, etc...

2009-11-05T10:02:00.000-05:00

It's time you all learned a harsh reality about the world: There is no end of the rainbow and Leprechauns and their Pots of Gold don't exist. I know, take a minute if you need it. But it's a sad truth about the universe... some things aren't real... some things aren't what you think they are... some things are just wayward dreams hell-bent on driving you mad and leaving you a sniffling mess on the floor (those things are totes no fun). There are things worth chasing~ wonderful, tremendous, precious, Sexy things , but this blog isn't about them... it's about why we chase the fiction, the crazy, the fruitless, ultimately- this blog is about why we want what's unSexy for us.

The wardcorn I chased, have been chasing my whole life really, was getting a boyfriend. I wrote about it a lot over the last year and even blogged a time or two about my dates with these fellas. Ultimately all I ended up with, however, was a shameful, crazy feeling in my head and heart about myself. After about 9 months of trying about 5 (10) different dating sites, the insanity started getting to me. Every day I was online searching, emailing, hunting, chasing... I was a woman obsessed with finding a someone who would make the pathetic feelings dissipate. I wanted a man to validate that I was this Awesome, Sexy person I'd been telling myself I was. No one would. It didn't work. Windmill still out of reach.

Now having someone to love isn't the waterfall here... it's the validation. It's the constant running into a brick wall and asking why does this hurt so much? It's the expectation that someone else is going to make you feel better about yourself. Um, my dear, dear co-revolutionaries, my Sexies... THAT PERSON DOES NOT EXIST. It sounds so cheap and easy (like a cheap and easy hooker), but we've gotta do that work ourselves. We've gotta be our own validation, we've gotta know how Awesome we really are, we are responsible for our own egos (we've gotta learn to change our own tires of Sexy?). Everything else is frosting (not icing) on the top of the stellar life we lead. I've got to remember this... because I chased water buffalos all over the state in 2009 and it sucked the Sexy right outta me.

I'm coping. I'm reminding myself that I am the LOTP (Life of the Party) most of the time. I don't need a man to feel super Sexy because I have Awesome friends and mends (man-friends) who remind me always how coolsville I am. I don't want to feel like crap because the d-bag over there won't date me, or tell me I'm Sexy, or return my email. From now on there's no more, "Why is my life like this??" its "God, How Awesome is my life?" and "Hey Look how Sexy I am!" So, please stop chasing cars... (does that one work?) and remember that some dreams are worth it, like Sexy and some aren't... like that asshat from OkCupid.

Somebody Save Me...

2009-11-04T13:07:00.001-05:00

I. Gave. Up.

When? Right about this time last year, when I was making full on crazy love to Robert Pattinson and Twilight and getting sick in the process (I'm sure some of you were getting sick of me too- see I can laugh at myself). I just kind of stopped being Awesome and Sexy and having a mission statement and writing this blog really and that was the tragic end to Sexy 08. It went out with a whimper, instead of the lioness it had been for most of 2008. I. Gave. Up. And I'm sorry and now I need help.

It's a little tragic to lose all that Sexy momentum. It was really something special that year and a half that Curt and I blogged and battled unSexy (it really was pretty spectacular). But despite how much I don't want to go "pre" Sexy 08, I can feel myself putting weight back on. I can feel the fight in me seeping out slowly like a small leak in a balloon. The cold, dark hand of self-pity is constantly trying to tempt me back to be a someone I haven't been in a long, long time. I can't say I lost my way... in fact, what I did was venture totally off the path because it was easier to sit down on a log of lazy then to actually complete the mission. The mission is hard, like eggs ya'll. It is the hardest mission to complete

The reality is that I've spent the greater portion of the 2009 destroying my Sexy 08 Awesome. I went on some terrible dates, let my lack of man really undermine how incredible I am, stopped working out, hated my job for the first time... etc. I just stopped caring. My love for Bobby P even waned a wee bit (I mean, that's no good). Apathy moved right on in on me and I pushed Sexy right out the door. I am a terrible gf to Sexy, but I'm really hoping she forgives me.

So when I say "Somebody Save Me" what I mean is- don't. What I mean is, hey you Nicolle... Save Your God Damn Self! Wake up and realize that all that tragedy you think is happening is yourself undermining your Awesome. The Somebody saving you will always have to be you. And I'm here to tell you that Justin Timberlake (Not Really), Curt "Charlemagne" Foxworth (sometimes), and myself (Three Times a Week) are Bringing Sexy Back for the new year ~ 2010.

I. Am. Back.

November 1st- The Return

2009-10-13T12:53:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the unannouced bloggy break, but sometimes I got nothing and I need to take a break. I apologize. A two month hiatus is a good jumping off place to reorganize my thoughts...

SO come back at the beginning of the next month when I stop being a lazy ass and get my groove back on...

Or try to - :)

Nikki

Why Vampires? What about Me?

2009-09-11T09:56:00.015-04:00

Dear Nikki Illinois,

I have noticed you seem to get all riled up when the undead are mentioned. Are you sick with a disease or just really messed up in the head? Also it seems this plague you have is contagious because my gf is also afflicted with it. Why do you crazy ladies love a stinky dead guy who bites you and drinks your blood? What is wrong with women these days and how can I compete?

Sincerely,

Vampirically Challenged

Dear VC (Andrews- ha ha),

Your quandary is one I have heard a billion times lately. Why does my woman want some fictional Lothario to give her a hickey of death? What's so Sexy about a tragically pale dude who listens to EMO music? LOL, my male friends, LOL. What I am about to tell you is only my answer to this burning and relevant topic... but it is an answer. Maybe it will satisfy your puzzlement, maybe it won't. I am merely a tool (a vampire tool) to help possibly clear up your confusions.

Any way, why vampires? For me, which is whom I speak for, I don't really know where the actual base line attraction comes from. I saw Lost Boys when I was 12 and that night I dreamt about vampires for the first time. And not like scary vampires... who wanted to kill me. It was about changing me, hanging out with me (I think? - it was a long time ago), sharing in their awesome with me. That's what I vaguely remember, but it was the start of something there... my love of supernatural naughty, I guess. And ever since then, I have had this whole dark weirdo thing for them, not sexual but a dark attraction none-the-less. For a long time it only came up in my subconscious dream-state... not until I was in high school and reading Interview with the Vampire and the Vampire Diaries did I start to see my attraction to it deepen. High school was where pop-culture took over... Then college with my posters... Then...

Then... then... then there was Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV). With Angel and Buffy with their angsty love and super powers - that was all I needed. Angel was sexy and immortal and strong and over-protective and loved Buffy more than anything he'd ever loved again. She was it for him... devoted. And I loved it. I didn't think I could dig on a vamp... hell dig on a guy more (and I didn't up until recently), but boy howdy, I was wrong though. In 2007, I read Twilight and met EC. Edward Cullen dug into me the second I read his first appearance. He was sarcastic, sardonic, beautiful, powerful, rich, intelligent, over-protective and completely obsessed with Bella. He was my ideal, my fantasy... So there it is: Two broody fore-heady immortals who loved their mortal chicks more than you could shake a stake at (Steak and Shake... ha ha, Ohio jokes). Both of them represent the FORE-PLAY of romance and love... and what a man is willing to do for you, regardless of his own needs. It is fantasy, it is passion, it is not real at all. But it speaks to me and the kind of endless, timeless, connection I want with someone in real time.

So where does that leave you... VC? Are you capable of competing with a gorgeous immortal who could represent your lady's deeply darkest fantasy? Um, no. I mean you can't. Just like she can't compete with your crazy ass need to stare at fake breasts... The reality is this simply- what these vampyres represent is the need we (me) women have to feel like the only thing that matters to you sometimes. And sometimes we all need that sweeping romantic drama-rama to knock us out of mundane routiney badness. I'd love to think that I consume your thoughts, needs, desires, concerns sometimes. And I'd love to be shown it too. Ultimately it isn't about David Boreanaz or Robert Pattinson (um, maybe), it's about your connection with your gf. If you can make her believe for even a moment that your love is what poems are written about and that you desire her in ways she can't fathom- I think you'll find that things will go your way. We don't want romance to ever die... and when it feels like it has... that's when fantasy takes over. (And it becomes ok to stalk us and bite us and be all not alive) but only in fantasy. In real life, that's just creepy talk. So all in all, we want Edward Cullen in the fantasy, but in actuality we want you. So stop worrying and start counting your blessings... One, Two, Three... Three Blessings AH AH AH AH...

Magically Mystery Ball

2009-09-02T11:10:00.004-04:00

I have a Masquerade Ball to attend on Halloween night. I KNOW!!! How fun is that? Possibly the most fun ever! Also, a little scary because I'm not going to know anyone and everyone will be wearing masks and costumes and drinking and Halloween wackyness... and there I will be all alone. Insane in the membrane people... insane in the brain.

I am actually looking quite forward to this- as I just realized the other day that it is exactly a little under two months away and I don't have a dress or anything for it. Or an idea of what to do and dress up as and yada yada... Obviously after the ball there will be more to tell (in extreme detail cause it's me) but as of right now... I am just blathering about my excited-ment and the potential for a fun, whimsical (not like Train Whimsical) good time.

Maybe I will meet my Edward Robert Cullinson that night under the stars, when the veil between real and fantasy have melted away. Or maybe nothing will happen... but I'm a firm believer in letting your mind run all crazy and irrationally and then being disappointed. (Is there any other way to be? O wait, right rational and totally boring.)

In any case, this is just what the doctor ordered. You know the doctor of me having hope in magic and love. Now I have something insane to focus on... Something fantastical to project my needs and wants on... Something for me to write about in a story (Cheesy Romance Chick-lit story, but a story!!!)...

So the countdown begins... Two Months - until we see if November will dawn bright and Awesome or bleak and cold. The gypsy this summer did say I'd meet someone in Nov and the second we cross from 11:59 to 12:00 that night... all bets are off :)

If only...

Internet Dating Sites: Medieval Torture with Google Ads

2009-08-31T12:21:00.007-04:00

I have been avidly giving Internet Dating sites a real go as of late (and all year, truth be told) and I HATE it. I loathe it. It makes me wretch and yet, I power right on through the pain and humiliation. Why? Um, I really don't know anymore.

I should just give up. I am not exactly mainstream girl-meat (lady meat, lady meat sounds better, right?). I am quirky and mean sometimes and voluptuous and short. This makes for difficult matching... love-wise apparently, who knew? I knew- I totally knew that already. Why do I continue to be surprised?

I just spoke with a friend who is trying out these matching sites himself and he was all "I can't keep up with all the emails I get, isn't it crazy??" and I went "Um, what? I don't have that prob... I mean- yes, yes... it is SUPER over-whelming to be so adored." But I mean, I really don't have that problem. If I could get a negative number of emails, I would.

Now I know I'm not like some kind of troll (I think), but I just sometimes wonder if I'm ever going to meet someone. And you are all of the "O Nikki stop. Don't be so... fill in the blank" But really, I don't even get the opportunity for just a normal relationship type dealio. I don't need to meet my husband tomorrow... that would not be necessary universe. Someone who I like who likes me for something real, though... well that would be beyond nice. It would be kind of magical right now.

In any case, what I want and need seems to get over-looked and truth be told - if the universe is granting wishes... I have less selfish ones I'd like them to look into way before they get to "me having a sweet hott awesome boyfriend" - BUT ultimately, I wish that all my hard Internet Dating Site work would pay off with a date or four and a sweet kiss if I can get even that.

I'm pretty scary, I know... like the leprechaun sans the shoe-shining weakness. But I can be charming and cute and lively when I want... so there's that. You hear me I'mtooSexy789... I am awesome, so um just return my wink for Christ's sake... Or I will smite you down and torture... O there I go again... I mean or I will totally bake you cookies and curtsy and smile at you?

O Balls- whatever. You either get me or you don't... mainstream-smainstream. I will have my day, I suppose... Internet Dating Site be DAMNED!!!!

My three wishes...

2009-08-21T09:50:00.003-04:00

There's been a lot of lottery talk lately around the ol' water cooler here at the formerly known BC. I won't go into messy details, but let's just say there have been happier times here, indeed. So in honor of all that - I say if the Genie from Aladdin just randomly showed up right now to grant me wishes (and like do his Robin Williams thing that drives me nutzo!)... Here's what I'd say to him (aside from cut the shtick, please):

Wish Numero Uno: Money, to be rich for life, to never worry about monetary BS again. Boring I know, who doesn't wish for money? But lately this has moved up to a very important wish for me- whereas before it was at least number two in the list, sometimes 3. NOW- it is number ONE. I could help myself, my family, my friends... go travel, get a personal trainer, buy a house, have a huge party, a puppy, a personal assistant... Pay off my bills, get a new car (the right color this time), quit my job... So many possibilities, good and happy times- take classes to learn how to do whatever I want... Open a business- A Dog Daycare. So many problems solved for so many people I care about. Wish number one is imperative...

Wish Zwei: TO BE SKINNY... I know... why waste a wish I could use my wealth from number one to achieve, but I mean... to be SKINNY and HEALTHY always no matter what I eat... And to have skinny person motivation to run around and be all active and NOT SWEAT! LOL that one just made me laugh when I wrote that, but being skinny to me- I see it this way: prettier, easier to date, no sweating, easier to shop... always wants to like exercise and is happy. It's almost as much a fantasy land as like Forks in Twilight and Hogwarts in HP is to me. God, that wish was always number one for me. With wish one and two... three could just be whatever I want... practicality gone...

Wish Tri-fecta: This one... this one would be hard to pick. Do I go selfless? Happy Contentness for all the people I care about- because I know they need it, no matter what that takes? Do I go totally selfish? Robert Pattinson totally in love with me and the absolute perfect match for me? Do I give the Genie freedom (NO)? End pain and suffering in the world? Have a Buffy Movie made with all my favorite characters and actors and have it be the greatest MOST Awesome Buffy anything ever? Gosh, I just don't know. That one I just might have to hold on to... (ooo a new vibrator, SUPER EDWARD!)

In any case, wishes are nice... they help keep dreams alive. I have dreams... hopes... desires... It would be nice if something made it easier to exist... those people that I care about could be happy without worry. That I could find love without having to re-invent the movement itself. Whatever your wish, make it count for you... no regrets in life. We all deserve a little magic every once in a while.

Is this creepy and/or wrong?

2009-08-20T14:21:00.008-04:00

All I can say is... Sexier than Peter Pan, but still way too creepy for this Ikea Styled bedroom. Be Safe more like Be Sane (and don't buy this...) O Edward/Robert... I'm so so sorry.

* Updated: And then there's this... O for the love of all that is Robert.

Rom-Coms- I hate you

2009-08-20T09:41:00.005-04:00

Dear Mrs Romantic-Comedies (cause you totally know they are women),

This letter is to inform you that I hate you and your gooey, sweet ridiculous nonsense that you peddle around about falling in love and the like (and by the like I mean, THE Like... as in like her, like her- like). I can no longer stand idly by while you poison us all with your saccharine BS... You have shucked your last corn of realistic love- I am on to you Rom-Com and I am coming for you.

You don't even probably realize the damage you are doing to all of us out here in real life land... I mean do you even know what the probability of me meeting a potential (and rich) boyfriend while hooking myself out to pay rent really is? Or how difficult it would be to actually find someone I'd want to talk to, let alone date, on the top of the Empire States Building on Valentine's Day? How can you be so callous with these kinds of potent and contagious ideals? That is some dangerous blow you are selling and while we eat it up with spoons (or heat it up- you heat like drugs with spoons don't you?)- I think we need to stop you... and Julia Roberts and John Cusack. I fear for myself and the rest of humanity, if you aren't.

So what's the actual danger factor? O Come on! The danger rests in the fact that deep down I want my own special "meet cute" (um, how the couple meets in a Rom-Com) where there's the will they won't they and then WHAM sex and some more drama and then happily ever after. And that is like a loaded gun sometimes- like those fairy tales about true-love and all that silly stuff... I'm weak enough to devour it and want it. I am not strong enough to ignore your movies- to ignore all that smiling happy relationship goo that you sell me. I've got an addiction and it's all your fault.

So in conclusion, I hate you and I want you to stop selling your wares here... in the public. Maybe you could keep to dark alleys and shadowy warehouses? I hear those are lovely for nefarious plots and what not. Seriously, stop making me feel bad for being single and alone. And stop making me want to fall for my Best Friend when he's conveniently getting married to a wonderful lady person or fall for my new boss who dresses super Sexy and has this Awesome accent and thinks I'm adorable... FOR REALS, I mean it.

luv,

Nikki

Gray... All Blendy of the White and Blackness

2009-08-03T11:11:00.007-04:00

I'm one of those people who can get kind of caught up in something- I know totally shocking! But I mean it. I let the good and bad of it all get mashed up in my brain so that it all seems good and it all seems bad. And because of that mashed potato lifey goodness/badness, I kind of get lost in stuff. I drown myself in the up and down, the dark and light... and right now I'm desperate for some air and some clarifying color-defying bleach.

I just wonder how often I can stand at the same point in the sand and ask the same regurgitated questions over and over and over? Maybe I'm supposed to do it forever. Maybe I'm doing something wrong and I'm doomed to wash, rinse, repeat until I get it right. Or maybe this time things will be different. I don't like to get all comfy with the hope though so I'm just all confused and blah. It's rather funny in a tragic kind of way.

There's this Aimee Mann song that always got me to thinking (Fourth of July) "So that's today's memory lane. With all the pathos and pain. Another chapter in a book where the chapters are endless and they re always the same... A verse, then a verse, and refrain" I know that people get worried about me and my cycles of doom (not to be confused with like a crazy Awesome circus act I do that combine motorcycles and fire) but right now, I'm kind of caught in the spiral blending (like a blizzard only with emotions, not candy) and it's awkward and I feel very out of it and tired of it. One day I'd love to believe that this time the things that add up, really do add up. But I'm not that optimistic, I'm mostly just numb.

There used to be a time in my life when holding back my hope and joy was like holding back the ocean during a hurricane. My sea wall would break in seconds because I just wanted the white, light Awesome... I wanted it to happen so badly. But in reality, it was always the darkness... always the blackest truth possible that I got smashed with... and so here I sit... the lone figure looking out at the crashing water in a Black and White photograph... hard to tell where I start and the gray sky ends... One day those dark stone clouds will be skies of blue... Gosh how I wish it were soon. Gosh how I wish it were now.

I'm in Control, Never Gonna Stop...

2009-07-28T09:14:00.004-04:00

I've come to realize there are some things in life that are totally out of my control- the weather, gravity's unrelenting attempts to kill me, other people (at least they aren't under my control just yet), etc... and those terrible uncontrollable things tend to kick my ass (or make me land on it) and that can do serious (or hilarious) damage to self esteem and general merriment.

So here I stand today (not falling on my ass- not yet at least) telling you that there are some thing we can control. And honestly, it all boils down to you can control yourself and that's the key to living your life right. I mean, yes we will all make rather poor choices about things- that is bound to happen, BUT what I'm saying is when you give up control of your life completely and get all lazy, you give up everything Awesome- including the enjoyment of said Awesome. Having a responsibility to "spank your inner moppet" and get your ass out there are keys to the whole not losing yourself to the general blah and malaise (not mayonnaise) of the drama-rama that can sometimes be life. The tighter your grip on things that need gripping (dirty), the better off you'll be... I swear!

Now I'm not advocating Control Freakyness. That is totes NOT what I'm saying, what I am saying is get your life in order.... For example... since I got the plague of 08 when I went to see my Bobby P in November at that totally dreamy Apple Store Q&A (sigh so Awesome- well except for the never ending sickness), I had not been working out regularly or really at all. I just got back on the horse yesterday and it is a horse I realize I need to ride all the time because just doing it twice this week has already gotten my brain back into motivational gear, gotten my writing skills back into blogging shape, and made me want to resume being totally a Sexy Revolutionary. All of this leads me back to feeling like life is what I want it to be- not some outta control roller coaster- not some dreary gray play. I am the ring-leader of this circus (not Britney Spears) and I am ready to go back to work.

So I think now is the time to admit that I have not been feeling great about 09. I have been not nearly as sunny or happy as I was last year. That should be motivation enough right there- HAPPY is a great motivation. I deserve Happy and so do all of you. So stay golden Pony Boy and make your life shine. I've been told I sparkle (by more than one person, no lie!) and I kind of dig that as an assessment of my personality and Awesome. And I kind of want to continue to to sparkle, all Edward Culleny and me-like. No more blah, no more gray... And no my name ain't baby... it's Nikki, Ms Illinois if your Nasty... (um wait that's not the right song... damn it, Janet!)

Pacts with the Devil

2009-07-27T10:25:00.006-04:00

We all make tiny pacts with the universe, God, this little guy above to serve the greater good of ourselves. It's the way of people everywhere- when hard work, ingenuity, plotting and scheming, etc don't get us what we want, we toss the end result up to the netherworlds hoping that fate or whatever will deal us the cards we want. Rarely does it ever happen that someone on the other end of the line is listening and doling out personal and Awesome miracles, but sometimes the fireworks of kismet happen and WHAM- The scales of Good and Evil, tip in our favors... those are the moments that songs are written about, for reals. Those are the moments we lose ourselves in, those are the moments we waited with baited breathe for, those are the moments... that sometimes define our lives. So where's the pact-y, badness? The naughty ying to the glorious yang? I'll tell ya... (Don't doubt me people, I will tell ya!)

I don't want to go all bubble bursty on everyone because I too hail from the land of "Wishing, and hoping, and praying..." BUT- sometimes we become blinded but what we want and we don't listen to what the actual track of our life is telling us. You wonder about why you are date-less or why you can't get a job as an ice cream truck driver or why those ever allusive front row tickets to see Alanis just never happen (you know, normal everybody stuff) instead of maybe realizing that your life is trucking along just fine without those things and all this distracty wanting is making it hard for you to appreciate all the other stuff you actually have in your life.

Now, on the other hand, (if you are keeping tabs, this is the second hand)- there is the moment you achieve personal nirvana (Pearl Jam rules) and all that hard work/hope/desire you've put into somethin' works out the way you've always wanted. POW and WHAM!! It's like insanity and puppies and rainbows for exactly a specifically finite amount of time before your life goes right back to, you know, life. And suddenly that perfect guy you've been jonesing for is an actual life and blood person who really loves SportsCenter and cats and hates Sushi and vampires. And that ice cream truck gig is, as you discover in horror, a job, a real honest to Robert Pattinson J-O-B with like rules and hours and no internet, and those Alanis seats- well those actually rock because Alanis is Awesome, but the people behind you are terrible and ruin the whole concert because they are screaming and drowning out the lilty vocals of this lyrical dynamo (I heart Alanis). In any case, it's good to want and desire, but life has this terrible habit of making even the most anticipated stuff lose it's shine on the tenth viewing (Twilight I am not talking about you). Because life is about evolution (we came from the monkeys) and being able to adapt and not about reaching the mountain top because PS everyone- there is always more mountain to climb, there is no summit... we don't rest.

So what's my freakin' point?? If I have one at all... My point is choose your pacts with the Devily Universal God wisely. Make them count in all the ways they should and don't deny yourself the Awesome that is now in your life. There will always be a bigger and better down the line, even Robert Pattinson will be de-throwned some day (Perhaps by an ice cream truck driving guy who really loves Alanis as much as I do, but who loves sports and cats)- and the point is that while desire gives us the hope for the Incredible, it's our actual life that should give us the Happy.

Flash... Drive... (think Queen's Flash Gordon, no do it!!!)

2009-07-20T17:01:00.005-04:00

Anyone wanna Cullen Flash Drive? W.T.F. I mean I love Twilight and Edward Cullen and Bobby P and the whole sick and twisted thing... BUT for the love of Robert Pattinson, even I think this kind of marketing is a little crazified.

What kind of monster have I unleashed upon the world?

Forgive me Bobby P., But I think I am getting sick of everyone else loving you and the saga so much. I know, blasphemy! Although, 'Member when it was just us and no one else cared about my insane ramblings? It was totes special then. Before the crazy tweens jumping on your back like a monkey- before TMZ and that terrible Perez- before your face appearing on Blockbuster video candy wrappers... O to be young and innocent- now it's just Flash drives and Twilight Cola (no and please don't make it).

I miss the good times, when I was the only one who cared about Bobby P and Twilight and he and I shared phone calls in Rhode Island and Q&As in NYC. It was a simpler time, a less obnoxious time, a better time (I was working out and less prone to falling). I just worry that by the time New Moon appears, I will have grown jaded by the fact that your face as Edward's face will be on EVERYTHING, including but not limited to, tape dispensers, shredding bins, pencils, garbage cans, filing cabinets, (I'm at work) etc... Once upon a time this would have made me super happy- now the idea makes me cringe.

I'm not saying Rob doesn't still make me happy, he does above and beyond most/all things- what I am saying is this I wish the Bobby P Machine would die- and leave me his bleeding carcass... I mean his sweet Sexy carcass, I mean no carcass- just kill the PR Terminator and give me back the intimate sweet moments with the cutest guy this side of everywhere. And stop with the Flash drives, for reals.

That's just tacky. Not like my key chain or enormous (closet) poster of his glorious face- those are both perfectly normal. No Really. Shut up.

Next Time I Fall...

2009-07-13T12:18:00.000-04:00

I fall down... a lot. Seriously, for reals. In the last 6 months I have fallen, significantly, about 4 times.

Fall A: I was happily walking back from the local coffee shop here in town and I slipped on (wait for it) nothing. My shoes were just slippery, I guess and I slammed right down on my right knee. It was sore and tender for WEEKS after and everyone at work was like, what in the hell is wrong with you?

Fall B: There I was, at bat- during softball- when WHAM, I hit the ball like an actually, decent player. And I hauled my ass to first, promptly tripping right over the base and landing in a dust cloud of pain. I scraped my right elbow and hurt my right-side hip. I tripped over the base, in front of everyone... it was Awesome. And everyone at work (who are also my team-mates) was like, what the hell is wrong with you?

Fall C: I had taken the day off and was getting out of my car to go into a local eatery for a bagel. For some unknown and not-understandable reason, my pant leg caught on something in my car and I couldn't complete the getting out of the car process. But I did manage to complete the falling on my left knee process. I slammed that sucker so hard to the ground that I still have scars on my knee. It was super. And everyone in the parking lot, through fits of giggles was like, what the hell is wrong with you?

Fall D: So there I am, all sunshine and roses on vacation in Maine. Sure, it was raining but whatever, not at work. I descend my parents porch stairs and tremendously slip and fall right on my ass. HARD. And PAINFULLY. I have a large, ass stretching bruise on my bottom that actually crosses over my crack. It is PURPLE and BLACK and hurts still, a week later. Everyone in my family was like, what the hell is wrong with you?

So what should I learn from this, gravity hates me. I did something terrible to gravity recently and it is mad. Do not piss off gravity my friends, cause it will kick your ass whenever it can. Here's to hoping that I don't fall anytime soon. I am running out of body parts to slam into the ground. And I really don't want my face to be next. Ow.

Vacation

2009-07-07T09:15:00.000-04:00

Just so you all know- I'm on the vacation...

Love and miss you all

Nikki

I have a message for you from inside the Dollhouse...

2009-06-29T09:49:00.013-04:00

I was advised this weekend to be less me on my on-line dating profile and more like a doll (or normal, generic, vanilla-y, blank etc...). I am apparently terrifying on paper to men. Or I should assume I am and downgrade anything that could be construed as "not normal" about me. Really Lovely. And really... a kick in the pants. Become part of the Dollhouse, lose yourself, be who THEY want, not who you are...

I am undate-able because I am me. Because I am weird occasionally... because I am hard sometimes... because I am sarcastic always. Great smile, great hair, great breasts mean nothing when faced with the reality of who I am... a freak of nature apparently. Down-play it all and I should land myself a fine speciMAN and be happy with babies and parties and love. Up-play it and I wind up alone, a catless (cause I'm allergic) spinster with no hope of finding true contentment. God... neither option sounds like much fun, to be honest. And yet, here I am complaining that I'm not normal enough to find normal love with a normal guy. Much like Denise Richards life, I guess, "it's complicated."

What do you say when faced with the brick wall of "don't be you" ? Or be you, just cut your Awesome Whiskey-self down with some H2O... it's ok because then men will love you. Be vulnerable, be less Alpha, like Sci-Fi less... or resign yourself to being alone, potentially forever. O Nicolle, quit being so melodramatic... it's not quite that bad. They are just telling you that you have to put on an act, like they all did, to disguise who they were so they could meet the right person. They who grew up in boxes filled with dreams of babies and white picket fences and formals and feeling beautiful- they contorted too. Because they all just wanted a hand to hold... and they got what they wanted- hands held, rings exchanged... life quotas met.

I've contorted myself and broken myself for the hope that a man would love me back. I can literally be whomever he wants. Not so much a blank, doll-like, slate but a compilation of greatest hits... a nympho, a geek, a chaste, blushing girl, an athlete, a best friend, the popular, perky cheer-leader, a darkly humored lover... I am all these things... and more- so very much more. And if that's not good enough- then alone here I come. Because if you cannot handle me, then you cannot love me. And while I'd love to exchange rings sometime in my future, I do not wish to exchange me's. So, I apologize for who I am, if you are scared of me. I am sorry we couldn't make it work because I am too much for you. I will not bland, dumb, or Awesome myself down for anyone. Maybe that means lonely catless spinster future for me- maybe it doesn't... I don't dream about babies and white pickets fences and feeling beautiful... I dream dark and dangerous and funny and ridiculous things... Ying and Yang, balance and chaos... I will be me. You can be you. There are no other rules that matter and no other people worth being.

Bobby P is ok and so am I

2009-06-26T11:29:00.005-04:00

I just want to set the record straight- cause it is totes all crooked and insane:

A. I DID NOT push Bobby P in front of a Taxi in NYC last week.
B. He was clipped by said taxi, BUT he is totally fine.
C. I DON'T KNOW if he and Kristen Stewart are dating, nor do I care.
D. I still love him buckets.
E. TRUEblood might be in my wheelhouse, but it is not something I watch. I like my Vamps broodier and rendered incapcitated by sexual activity.

Thank you,
Nikki

Michael Jackson: We were tight in '83

2009-06-26T09:18:00.004-04:00

Everyone and their mom (hey Mom) will be writing about MJ today. I just wanted to say that I loved Michael when I was in the 2nd grade. I LOVED him. Jacket owning, doll having, Thriller listening LOVED him. I was not alone, it's true. But I just wanted to say, that his passing makes me sad. I even teared up a tiny bit watching some tributes to him last night as the news hit. I listend to Thriller in my car on my way to work today and I stand by my Sexy 08 review of it last March- READ IT HERE.

So Michael, crazy weirdo that you were, I am sorry you are gone- and with you some of my childhood. Be Good Where-ever you are... and stay away from the kids, for your own sanity.

What am I gonna do when Sylvester Stallone dies, people? There will be tears. :(

Up! will make you Cry Cry!!

2009-06-22T14:51:00.003-04:00

Go see Up! the Movie... Right now. Stop whatever you are doing and shell out the cash and let your sappy emotional self go. You will feel better afterwards or at least you will feel afterwards which is sometimes all we need in life.

I went to see Up! all alone a weekend or two ago... and sat in the back of the theater (to the left, to the left as always) and sniffled and laughed my way through the whole damn thing. It has everything that tears up my heart... adorable dogs, loving older couples (Hey Mom and Dad), insecure Asian kids... (maybe not that) But coupled with the other two, it could have been an insecure Nazi kid and I would have fallen in love with him too (despite his terrible terrible prejudices and penchant for speaking the Deutsch).

What was I actually saying? O right.. I mean seriously, Ellie I barely knew you and every time they mentioned you I would start leaking and cry cry cry in my lonely heart for her. Or more accurately for him, Carl (not Karl)... Pixar does an amazing job making you care about a character you spend all of 5 minutes with... And then there are the dogs who wear collars that allow their thoughts to be heard... O DOGS... why can't babies be more like you? If I have not convinced you to see it based on my tears for Ellie and Carl (not Karl), please please go see if for the puppies... and the Cone of Shame.

I don't want to give too much away because the actual plot is rather bizarre, but the emotiony goodness found in Up! is just Awesome. I haven't enjoyed an animated flick this much since The Incredibles, and ya'll know how much I love superheroes. So yes, Up! has my approval- just be prepared to cry cry cry in your lonely heart. We would all be so lucky to live the life and adventure that Ellie and Carl (not Karl) did together and apart.

Sangria Wishes and Guacomole Dreams, NYC-style

2009-06-22T13:48:00.011-04:00

Firstly, two weekends in NYC and I am down about 200 bucks and no boyfriend spotting because- A, I am not actually stalking him (at least not well) and B, I want something more than I want 5 awkward minutes with Bobby P. (well, I mean longer would be all right too) right this second in life. So I will allow this oversight by the Universe, this time... as long as the rest goes according to plan. (Not Fiscal Year 10 plan... my life plan this year... Nicollscal Year 10 plan, if you will... O and you will)

I had a blast with Ken (Dollhouse Active Romeo), Heather (Dollhouse Active Sierra), SAAmbler (Dollhouse Actives- not identified yet), Killer (Dollhouse Active Juliet) and Seth (Dollhouse Active Whiskey). And Ken and I even tried to stake out Washington Square Park (or you know my boyfriend) one Saturday during (surprise) a torrential downpour. But alas between the soaking sheets of water falling from the "near constant cloud cover" called the sky these days and the deathly combination of my 3 year old, black OLD-NAVY flip-flops and the wet stone work of the WSq Park... it was a bombastic BUST! Although there was some pseudo-famousy person there, but Ken/Romeo and I had no freaking clue who he was... despite his cuteness, potential Britishness, and 12 yr old girl magnetism... we sauntered (more like I slipped and shimmied) away from him and his tween gawkers. No Bobby P, no thanks- moving on.

Mostly my weekends have been spent eating Guacamole and drinking the tastiest of alcoholic nectars, Sangria, petting strange dogs (not a euphemism, actual strange dogs, not strange men), unfortunate sweating, laughing at people openly, and having a "literally" (not ironically) GRAND time with Ken/Romeo. I mean I wish there was more to tell like some incredible guy swept me off my feet or that BP and I hit it off and now I'm going to be featured on magazines everywhere "Breaking up KStew and RPattz"... (sigh that would be so cool)- but really aside from laughing so hard my sides split, and drinking enough Sangria to turn my blood red (erm... I mean... turn it MORE red... I mean, I fall down a lot lately, maybe I hit my head one of those many times)

In any case, Good Times, Good Food, Good Laughing... Adventure awaits you if you are with the right person... either riding innocuously on a train (Handle your Scandal).... or drinking pitchers and pitchers o fruity Awesome at a hip and trendy bar ('Disiac in the house! NO QUICKIES in the bathroom, however). I'm just saying, Ken/Romeo is a fine replacement to Bobby P delusions (and a fine co-partner in crime when "not stalking your celebrity boyfriend"). And Guacamole makes me smile... :)

This makes me ill

2009-06-16T12:56:00.005-04:00

Dear Crazy Teen Fan-Girls,

Please stop jumping and leaping on my boyfriend. He is going to have a nervous breakdown and your need for his autograph does not trump his mental health. Do not force me to go all PUMA on you and lay some kind of adult smack-down. Because I will. He sure is pretty and funny, but he does not belong to us. So for the love of Bobby P, keep your crazies under control. If I can, you certainly can. Get it together. You give us all a bad name and I don't want a bad one... Good ones are all I care about. So if we can all agree to be cool, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Coz' you totes don't want to see me if he becomes a hermit and recluse. So ya, that about sums it up. Thanks for your time. O and let him go.

<3,

Nikki

My head's not in the game and my heart is out of the country.

2009-06-15T10:03:00.004-04:00

I'm lost... in a sea of lifey murky-ness lately. Like today, for example, I feel like Grumpy Bear with my own personal rain-cloud hanging over my cute little frowny face. And PS- the sun is out for the first time in like 40 days... (hey Moses- keep it real). I don't know why I feel that way, but lately despite all the fun and goodtimes I'm making with people, I can feel the cold clammy hand of darkness reaching for me (not to be confused with Edward Cullen's cold Sexy hands- he can reach for me in the darkness whenever).

In any case, I am fine... but I mean I spent the greater portion of the movie "UP" crying my eyes out. WTF is that about? I guess I'm feeling down. It happens. I can't seem to gear up very easily for things and I feel kind of like I'm playing games with a less than stellar team... That I'm coming to tables with no ability to negotiate. Maybe I'm feeling powerless (which is not Sexy) for whatever reason. When you are me, feeling impotent and weak is not ok. Never ok. Must always be strong pillar girl. Anything else means someone could get the better of me.

Well.... hmmmm... I guess that means I've gotta man up again and take control and not let anyone see me cry or sweat or other gross weak liquid moments like that... (vomit is also on this list). Awesome. Sometimes it's truly not so easy being a strong person and being weak is so simple. Always fighting the grain to make sure you don't slip into a "shame spiral" and ruin all your hard work... its a life-long battle sometimes. And today... I want to surrender to the sadness creeping around my corners. Here's to the hope that I don't... Here's to the hope that I've lost my white flag... Here's to the hope period.

<3,
Nikki

Bobby P - NYC

2009-06-11T10:12:00.004-04:00

I don't know that there's much to say here... other than- Baseball Hat!!!

Here's to the possibility that MAYBE I'll run into him and we can begin our Awesome life together.

But I've got bigger fish to fry as of late- so Universe, that other thing, WAY MORE IMPERATIVE!

<3,
Nikki

Hold On For One More Day in 1990...

2009-06-10T10:54:00.005-04:00

It's gonna be an Awesome day when this song comes on in the car on your way to work. Seriously, I mean that and not like in an ironic way (ok, maybe an ironic way), but still Awesome.

I remember (back in the day in the year 1990) I was listening to this song on my Sony Walkman and being all moody and 13 years old (actually 13, not to be confused with my current mental state). Killer and I were having a fight... she was dating either dating JCot or Kenny at the time, it was 8th grade and it was a little drama-rama (Karen F U was at the center of the teen-shit-storm). And I was all "Hold on for one more day"-'ing my self silly.

The song was (is) so true to my tiny girl feelings "I know that there is pain, But you hold on for one more day and break free the chains ~Yeah I know that there is pain, but you hold on for one more day and you break free, break from the chains" But if I didn't think "Damn right, there is pain" and believe in all that is unholy and terrible at 13 (which is to say, like everything is terrible and over the top). I mean really- crying in my bedroom (blue shag carpet- WTF) over the possible demise of my very new BFF-ship with Killer seems so really tragic cause I mean, we have been BFF's since 1987 or something insane like that... (1988? 1989? Ken?) and I remember thinking that this was it... (She had written a biting and scathing letter to me and I had of course in turn, wrote a very passionate sonnet- yea sonnet- about how hurt I was).

In the long run, I held on for a few more days and we made up and are still Best Friends and I assure you Karen F U is not in the picture. Kenny still is (What up?) but not as a romantic interest. So it goes to show you- WilPhil is prolific and Awesome and knows how tough it is to be a 13 yr old girl and how you much pain there is in the world. And that my Sony Walkman and I were totes inseparable for like years (into college) and played many an angsty mix tapes. O the days... see when you look back everything seems 90210 insane and silly... So Break Free Break Free From Chains...

Hey it's Romeo- Nearly Gave me a Heart-attack!

2009-06-09T11:22:00.005-04:00

Would you be prepared if like your soul-mate (copyright pending with ABC Family) showed up on your doorstep? Really- like the one and only person who is going to, you know, get you? and love you? and not care that you crush on fictional super-men? Are you ready for it? Could you handle it? And do you think you could even really believe in it- even if it's standing right in front of you?

I'm not saying that this is happening to me- it's not my dears. But would I be prepared for it if by chance I stumbled upon the HIM (not God calm down... French Toast Jesus is safe from my detection) in like the supermarket, at a party, at Qdoba one random day I don't eat healthy at work? I don't know that I would even think or understand it was happening. I'd be suspicious and disbelieving and weary. I'd be wondering what he wanted from me and not in a good Sexy way either. I would definitely be waiting for the deception to begin and guarding myself endlessly... That sounds terrible and totally not fun. But I think (I'm not positive because I'm not standing face to face with my Edward Cullen, Angel, Romeo, That Guy From The Notebook) that I'd never believe it was actually happening. What to do when the "struggle" to become a couple doesn't exist? It just happens? That's crazy talk.

I was talking with Charlemagne (my Sexy Co-Rev) last night about this and he thinks we are characters in a fairy tale that were cursed with the ability to draw the object of our affections to us (moth to a flame baby) but not capable of sealing the deal ever! What a terrible and mighty curse to befall such Awesome interesting and Sexy people. But I feel he might be on to something. I guess we just attract mosquitoes instead of honey bees... Parasites instead of Pollinators (not to be confused with terminators!)... Useless boys instead of Utilize-able Men...

I believe in soul-mates... I just don't believe in the concept that there is one per soul. I have many many soul-mates... at least 8... but probably more. Yes definitely more because I am young (I am- stop rolling your eyes at me). I just wonder about the idea that one of these soul-patches is going to want to date me. Do you think the curse will finally break and both Curt and I will find true love so intense and Awesome all will quake in it's incredible and Sexy path? (Ha.) That seems really cool, but highly unlikely... But you know what, stranger things have happened, and maybe that stupid knight in shining soul-matey goodness is waiting just around the corner for me to trip into one silly day where he catches me in his arms... laughs at my dorkability... and is mesmerized by my blinding smile. And I fall (not literally this time) for his dashing, quick, strong arms... large fore-head... and witty quips. To Dream...

<3,
Nikki

Strangers Waiting... Shadows Searching in the Night

2009-06-03T12:05:00.005-04:00

First of all, I love "Don't Stop Believin'" by anyone who sings it (cover bands, Journey, Glee Club singers on the TV). Second of all... I am feeling weird lately. Neither have to do with one another at all, except that I am experiencing both my love of DSB and the weird feeling I'm having right this second. Scary, huh?

Not really scary, I know... but I needed an intro or a clue as to what to write about today. My weird feeling is a topic of no concern because I write about it all the time. I am feeling that clinch around my heart, the lonely feeling, the one that wants to go on a real date with real kissing and real interest from both parties. Just to be clear though, I have never been more busy in my life or in higher demand from all the people I care the most about (yes even Bobby P is making me stalk him despite my tight schedule). I just miss those small tiny perfect moments. I couldn't handle a 24/7 person- there's no time (Between stalking Rob, hanging with my 3 couples, Charlemagne, Ken, Softball)- but I could handle those sparktastic seconds right before a good intimate kiss. A night laughing with a cute interesting guy. Just a tiny moment... it doesn't have to be forever... although universe that would be ok too.

In any case, it's been eating at me the last few weeks. I guess I give up one chase (house) to get back on the other one (boys). Maybe I should like just kind of seek out (AMY? NO) a puppy, an apartment, a new hobby besides Softball? I'm just so distracted lately by the idea of a someone again. This is the worst part- seriously. The longing to want another human being involved in all my life decisions. How is that pleasant? Boo.

So yea- today... this week... I'm hearing the Awesome music of Journey and feeling like I want a hand to hold (but only briefly and not all the time- well maybe all the time). I also want a puppy to hold, a bike to ride, a gym to join, a ipod touch to touch, and a Bobby P to kiss.

Happy June!
<3,
Nikki

Jesus and me are Coolsville

2009-06-02T11:31:00.002-04:00

I was trying to come up with a topic today because I've noticed I either write about my whole not gotta man thing or Bobby P (really so very Awesome) or like what's up with my crazy noggin... and I thought why not try something new- so along came Jesus and here we are (which is where again?)

In any case, I like Jesus though I am not religious to any degree. I grew up in a Catholic household (hey Mom!) and we did the traditional churchy things- except going to church really. I mean, I went to CCD (Central City Dump- o the kids!) and I got Confirmed and Communionized and all that stuff and I grew up loving the SoG (Son of God) and learning the Good Samaritan thing, but I was more terrified of religion and church than let's say embracing of it. And we totes had soccer games on Sunday so going to actual weekly church fun fell by the way-side (of which I'm sure Jesus would have cleaned it's feet and helped to the nearest like place of comfort). So I was raised with the Holy Spirit, just not one with it ever.

Do I share like my co-revs general distaste for God and his family tree and organized religion, no. I get why people need it. I believe in a greater than myself deity kind of thing- aka "The Universe" and I don't care if you love Buddha and she loves Mohammad and that guy over there (what up stranger!) hearts Zeus... it's all good in my mind and it's all your own damn business too. I am an equal-religion opportunist. Hell, I even believe in Astrology just as much as I believe in Moses. Who knows who's right? Quite possibly none of us are or all of us are... Religion and Spirituality are complicated passionate feelings- and I don't think it's anymore right for me to say "God doesn't exist" or "My God is THE God" than I do to say "Robert Pattinson is not attractive." What you believe is personal and intimate- end of story.

Now organized religion isn't really personal or private. It's a lot about look at what those other people believe and how wrong it is, and I don't abide that kind of nonsense. I have no desire to be a part of something like that- although I do see the community aspect of church and what not to be positive and good. Just for the record though, places like Jesus Camp scare me because it makes passionately religious people look crazy... Church in general makes me feel uncomfortable because it is so solemn and wrapped up in traditions I don't always agree with... and being Catholic is not anything I actually am these days. But I am not at all offended by your right to believe and worship- so go right ahead, it's cool with me (it's why I love this country- that and like my right to burn my bra, the flag, and support GAY rights).

New Moon on Monday

2009-06-01T10:05:00.003-04:00

New Moon Trailer: Here :)
Enjoy.

The Recipe for Awesome

2009-05-29T09:27:00.006-04:00

I think a lot... no surprise I'm sure. But I often try to to sort out why I am the way I am. Why I like the stuff I like, why I want to do the things I do. I'm a complicated layered yummy treat and sometimes I'd like to see the recipe card that gives me the low down on all my little ticks and quirks. Like why vampires, foreheads, superheroes, etc? And why do I loathe wigs and abuse sarcasm so much it threatens to leave me on a regular basis (you know I love you honey)? Am I pre-programmed or am I a creation of my environment. Basically- why am I a nutty lovable weirdo? Any ideas?

There are some secrets I keep secret from even you, my closest reading audience (and I will continue to do so), but these are the little deeply imprinted Nikki-isms that start to make me think the most. Why are certain things so intrinsically linked to me? I suppose I could go to a shrink, but where's the fun in that? It's much better to write down my thoughts and float them to the internets and you all. Who needs specialists, I've got readers~!

Now seriously, I don't know why I love the moon and darkly supernatural things. Why I am drawn to men who's arms and brow bones are enormous... and why I have a deeply routed fetish (that is all you will get from me). Sometimes I think I want someone to rescue me- something so deliciously special and unique (Superman) to rescue me from my life. Not terribly empowering, but why else would I want a vampire with a huge fore-head and super-human strength to make sweet, sweet love to me (Angel, Edward)? See? Isn't trying to get down to your weird little personality ingredients interesting (yes it is! no it's not disturbing- stop being such a baby). In any case, I spend a lot of time dissecting my special Nicolleyness and trying to see what makes me tick.

Lasagna anyone?

How Long Til My Soul Gets it Right...

2009-05-28T10:40:00.004-04:00

"And then you had to bring up reincarnation over a couple of beers the other night~ And now I'm serving time for mistakes made by another in another lifetime"

I've spent many a night, moment, second wondering if I was a terrible person previously in the universal time continuum. Thinking I must have been some kind of womanizer (Womanizer Womanizer Womanizer) or treated the ugly and fat really badly or cheated on my soul mate or something equally morally despicable (you know, think of a Fox Reality TV Show) and now I'm paying for it in my life now. I'm almost convinced of it to some degree. And I mean, what can you do? How do I fix it? What lesson am I supposed to learn here? All I know is that the universe can and will kick your ass all while helping you back up and dusting the dirt off your clothes. But really what if I was a gross lout in the 1800s? Would you all still love me?

I bring this up as more of a discussion piece. The things that happen in my life are both good and bad. I'm successful, well-liked, smart, financially secure, a hoot- but I'm undate-able. How can I be all those things together at once? What is the universal plan for me? I date terrible people. I love terrible people. I fall for terrible people. (ok not all of you were terrible, but the situations I have put myself in were terrible with you and him and that guy standing behind you and I continue on my terrible path regardless of terrible outcomes.) So ultimately- can you fight the universe? Maybe that's what Sexy 08 is all about.

By this age (32 or whatever age you are, dear reader)- you are locked into patterns and behaviors. Sexy 08 was about freeing your mind and self from these chains... from the repetitive craptastic window displays of horrible that sometimes consume you... from the self fulfilling prophecies of your past lives that dictate self-definition. How badly do we want to change who we are and who we have been? Maybe the surprising answer is, not that badly enough that we do actually change.

Now I'm not saying I'm not a different person than I was 2 years ago when Curt and I started our revolution. I am, without a doubt, physically and mentally at my strongest ever. I am very much a happier person with a full and Awesome life (with the Sexiest Celebrity Boyfriend ever- did you see him- look below to my previous post). But I still believe I am undate-able... I still wonder who I'm supposed to be with a guy (myself seems like the logical answer, but...). I wonder if a relationship is actually part of my story or not. (I also wonder if a doxie puppy is part of the story or not). In any case, violent change is painful and I don't know how violently different I want to be from the me right here and now. Yes, more secure... but what part of me do I lose then? Which "previously in Nikki Illinois" past life do I try to erase? Idk, my lovelies... Idk.

"How long till my soul gets it right~ Can any human being ever reach the highest light"

My Boyfriend is hotter than your Boyfriend!

2009-05-27T14:32:00.002-04:00

Now with MUSCLES!!!
NUCLEAR!!!

You got a lot of livin' to do without life...

2009-05-27T12:10:00.003-04:00

So- that house I was all excited and terrified about?? The deal was killed by the seller because he no longer wanted to move. So- that house I was all excited and terrified about... is well, no longer a house I think about at all.

Which has prompted me to have an impromptu brain pow-wow with myself. You know, askin' myself what the next step is... Do I try again? Do I want to? Is now really the time to buy a house? Do I use my savings and pay off one of my credit cards instead of becoming a financially destitute spinster with no money and an awesome house? Money or no money... House or no house... No Money or House... Money or No House? Do you see where I'm going? Do you love the question marks of indecisiveness (or indecision for you boring people)? In any case, I am not ready to jump into anything and I have a summer of swimming in a free pool to help clear my head.

In other news, I've been having not so good dreams lately about men. Tom Welling made an appearance last night where he seemed interested but didn't want to commit beyond a quick make out session (which was nice, I'm not gonna lie... Dream TW is HOTT). And not that long ago TDWBR-OS decided to show his dream mug (not to be confused with a dreamy mug) in a segment that didn't make me feel great about myself. I have issues and I don't know how to resolve them. Sometimes I think talking to TDWBR-OS would help and other times, I think it would be the worst thing ever. I am not good at letting the past go. I try to believe that once the present stabilizes, I will let all the sentiment and pain go from whenever and whomever- but that's a lot of pressure on the present (um look I'm becoming JJ Abrams with his love of time-travel). No matter what though, my hearts need for an Edward Cullen cannot beat down the wall built by my humiliation at the hands of my Ex. My Ying and Yang do not work together... and thus, I am a hot mess when it comes to men.

In conclusion, no house- no man. Well played universe... if you do not wish me to be normal, I won't be. I guess taking the money and running is your ultimate plan for me... so Thanks. But does this mean I'm really going to meet Bobby P this summer? Please o Please let that be your grand scheme...? Now there's a dreamy mug.

<3,
Nikki

Memorialize your weekend

2009-05-22T12:15:00.003-04:00

It's on my friends- the first holiday I've had since MLK Day... and that's not really a WOO HOO kind of Monday off- not like Memorial Day is... Yea Summer!

In anycase- my super brother turns 30 (along with Sambler) this weekend and we are going to chill and have fun all weekend. Are you? You'd better. I will have more to report after the next few days... look back for my Terminator Salvation review and whether or not I win any money at the track...

Ok- love you all- get tan be merry

<3,
Nikki

Softball is hard like eggs ya'll...

2009-05-20T16:41:00.006-04:00

(not the ones on my team)

I play softball. Or I guess more appropriately, I am on a softball team, playing implies skills that I do not possess and a love for the game that evades me. We play on Tuesdays and we are, not to be cruel- terrible. Like 1 to 20-something terrible... Like we can barely catch the ball terrible... Like people begging to be taken out of the game terrible.

I joined the team because my man friends at work needed girls for their co-ed team. That's how much I love my man friends at work. I am playing a game I suck at- no seriously- suck at. I can't throw, can barely catch at all, and hitting? - well sometimes I can do that, sometimes not so much. And the games - yikes- and the other teams- sheesh... those other ladies on those other teams are SOFTBALL players, my friends (sleeves rolled up, knee-pad wearing, visor sportin' Sofball playas). And the ladies on my team- are not. But damn if we don't try, we really do. And I think we may be getting better- but we have a long road to 'ho peeps (is that a saying? is it something else?)

Anyway, aside from the terrible games though, the after softball shenanigans have been a real treat. Beer, pizza, laughing... all good. If nothing else, I work with some people who can laugh at the terrible-ness of it all. among other things. So am I upset I joined a team to play a sport I suck at? Not really, but right before each game I get butterflies in my stomach and I get tense about how lame I will throw and how slow I will run (which is pretty damn slow) - it is not ego-boosting, but so what?? I am out there living life- always making the best of the worst (or trying to) and hoping that I won't hurt myself with a ball to the face or a bat to the head. (God please don't let that happen). Seriously- why didn't we join a kick ball league??? So much better.

Bella, keep your hands off my boyfriend!!

2009-05-19T09:52:00.005-04:00

It's here- the first signs of New Moon Awesome... the first poster release. New Moon has been tightly guarded my friends and I have not been able to feed my own spastic need for Edward Cullenness (I should just read the books again- you know, the fourth time or whatever). In any case, it's about to begin... the shit-storm of media hype that is New Moon & Eclipse. Hold on to your umbrellas Forks residents... coz' here comes Hurricane (break my heart into tiny tiny pieces) Edward.

I will love this movie- possibly the most... strange but true. I cannot bring myself to read New Moon in it's entirety since the first time I read it. I cannot deal with the (SPOILER) break up at all. Too many memories of long teary nights with soul-crushing conversations that broke my romantic spirit in two have happened to me and thus, New Moon is like a refresher course in all things traumatic to me. Guys have been breaking my heart long before Edward Cullen broke Bella's... but it hits a little too close to home. And therefore- the book- is out of reach for me... but the movie... I think will be like a sad song I listen to over and over for weird, dark comfort. I will react to this movie- if it is done properly. I will cry at this movie- if it is done properly. I will love this movie more so than Twilight- if it is done properly. Because the only thing more emotional than being dumped by Edward Cullen, is getting back together with him.

Also- um, Bobby P as Edward again... Sometimes the world likes me... sometimes.

<3,
Nikki

So your real home's in your chest...

2009-05-18T15:54:00.003-04:00

I put an offer in on a house today and it was verbally accepted! Huzzah.

I am now terrified because buying a house is crazy expensive people. It is not to be taken lightly. But I am doing it.

Again, fear... elation... O BOY!!!!

Nikki's gonna have her kicks tonight... Season Finale Thursday!

2009-05-14T15:14:00.009-04:00

So tonight I am going to be both Awesomely happy and Awesomely sad. My Thursday night boyfriends will be kicking it hardcore in all three season finales this week and that will be the shit. But because these are the finales... I won't see them all summer and that makes me terminally unhappy (although silver lining- I will be able to focus solely on Bobby P and his NYC adventures then... yay!). In any case, I am so excited about this auspicious occasion that I will not be answering the phone tonight- no matter who calls. No one- so Obama- don't call tonight, k? I already told you last week that my shows are totes on Thursdays (really this message is to my sister, Hey Michelle, who will call me in the middle of Smallville every Thursday and then have the audacity to get annoyed that I don't wish to talk- all the while Tom Welling is frolicking and smashing and beating people and I am missing it.)

So anyhoo- what will happen tonight? Maybe Chloe will die on Smallville and I will cry cry cry in my lonely heart (Because Alyson Mack is Awesome). Or maybe Clark (NOOOOOOO!!!) will cause after all, Doomsday does kill Superman in the comics. Smallville loves to leave us hanging for three months like an awful one night stand after the best sex ever... Don't do me dirty Tom, you know we have something so special. And I am ready, after 8 seasons of faithful follow for a knock down drag out fight... and some shirtless action from both TW and that Davis dude. O Chloe... I am so worried for us tonight.

So over on Bones... Brennan and Booth do it. And we find out what happened with Booth's brain tumor (wtf show way to make me cry cry cry in my lonely heart last week). I cannot wait to see what wackyness Motley Crue will bring. I don't really know why they are going to be on but who cares - Brennan and Booth have SEX. Like real Sex people and that is Awesome. I don't know how they will pull this off without ruining them but if I see David without his shirt- I won't really care too much. I can't wait. (O and no more hallucinations please!)

And then there are the hott hott boys on Supernatural (which is relatively new to me) but I still kind of love it a little. Those boys knock each other and anything else around for an hour and look ridunkulous doing it. (Thank you to Sambler for giving me the 411 on these Superhotties btw). Lots has been going down on this show and tonight- Sam and Dean are going separate paths and ready to take each other on. I hope they beat each other up and get all super powered (so the Sexy) up. I may need to spend the summer watching this whole show so I can be caught up next season. Jensen Ackles, sweetie, you keep up being so Awesome and my triumvirate might soon become a Quad of Hotness. Sigh.

So what to remember, no phone calls and lots of ass-kicking (hopefully shirtless) violence for me tonight. Great Googly-Moogly- I bet Edward makes a night topping appearance when all is said and done. Seriously, for reals. Let's get ready to rumble!!!!!!

And so the Puma Fell in love with the Lamb...

2009-05-13T15:34:00.008-04:00

Cougars-in-training (ie. women in their thirties) are called "pumas".
(From the internet site Cougars)

Today is Rob's birthday. He is 23 years old. I am not, of course 23 any more~ though arguably I can pass for early twenties without breaking a sweat (ew! what would it entail to break a sweat to look younger, like aggressively violent doctors who botex or really laborious hair dying rituals?). In any case, apparently because of my love of/for Rob... I am now a Puma. What you say- a what?? No, no not a cougar silly, cause I mean really I am only 32, a PUMA. I am a cat, not unlike a Cougar, but younger than a Cougar. A cat younger than a Cougar who wants to devour young men like they are tasty treats... well yea, that's right on the money, so Puma. Ok, I can live with that (for Rob).

In any case, it is Bobby P's day... And in light of this I am going to give my review of Little Ashes... His Dali picture with the crazy mustache and Awesome lines. So I went with Ken because he is Super Cool and also Super Gay and well- for a movie with a lot of man on man kissing, I really needed an expert with me. So we went (got some fake Pink Berry) in the Chelsea and took our seats alone on the left side of the screen. I gotta tell you, I love the left side of most things (movie theaters, hands, the road, my face, your face, Rob's Butt, etc...). And we sat and watched... and watched... and sighed... and watched. Interesting and true point, the Gays were totally gonna put the smack down on the Straight Women because they were being ridunkulously loud. I am still not sure I ever want to see those two groups fight. It would create such conflict for me (my peeps don't need to tussle over Rob, that just ain't right).

SO anyway, the movie. Well it was not for everyone. It was maybe for me and a couple other people out there and some Dali enthusiasts... but everyone else, not so much. Even Ken was not impressed... but what can you do. It was a low budget art house flick that was done a few years ago. It's about the electric connection between Dali and Federico Lorca and the rumblings of sexual longings that bubble uncontrollably to the top. Lorca being able to deal with it and Dali, not too much. It is also oddly about revolution- the artistic personal revolution artists go through in order to create new interesting art "No Limit" and the actual revolutions going on in Spain back in the day. What I ended up learning from this (accurate or not) is that Dali wanted to give the illusion he was a genius on the cutting edge of artistic personal societal revolution always... but really- it's an act perpetrated to hide his insecurities. Lorca, while seemingly shy and demure, is actually the stronger person who can embrace fully what is going on inside of him and in the world around them- turbulent and life changing and intense.

The scene I was the most enthralled by was when Lorca makes love to his best gal pal (who's name evades me- Ken called her Poor Man's Sarah Jessica Parker- so shall we) while Dali watches in a corner and masturbates. It is the most intimate between the pair and the presence of PMSJP is utterly lost to them as they stare passionately at one another. It was really well done - with it's awkward bizarre intensity and the actors really pulled it off. (And if that's what Rob looks like when he's orgasmic than sign me up- HOTT and still pretty).

I love anything where the sexual envelope is pushed. I love Rob for doing this movie and throwing himself into it- crazy mustache, man kissing, enemas, and all. Did I love the movie- not really... But I thought it was interesting and intense- in the very least. Ken and I laughed a few times at Rob's crazier Dali moments: "Did you see my bear?"- "You have not changed at all, but I grew this mustache." - and of course "I would love an enema" - and we discussed the idea of artistic genius and sexual ambiguity and pushing limits of who you are and yada yada... so even though it was not Oscar worthy- it was worth it to me. Bobby P makes me smile- so for that Happy Birthday! And be looking for me this summer to hunt you like the Puma I am!

I <3 Summer Movies!

2009-05-11T11:30:00.007-04:00

All I really want to do today is put up pictures of movies I am the most excited about this summer!! But that's kind of a lame blog- but really it's all I want to do today...

Let's just say that Wolverine, Star-Trek and Little Ashes are already in the been there and seen that pile and I loved them all for different reasons! (PS if you do not love my boyfriend or Salvador Dali and are like not comfy with sexual experimentation, and masturbation scenes... don't go see Little Ashes- this is my warning to you as a person, k?). Wolverine is a fun fightastic movie with Hott strapping men throwing each other around. Hugh Jacked-up is really giving like 1000% in this movie and he is worth the money alone (can we say ARMS? o you can, great than you know, say it!!) Star-Trek was just like exactly what a summer movie should be-big battles, epic moments, little inside jokes and great special effects. It also doesn't hurt that Kirk is 50 times hotter than he ever used to be... (I know, I'm boy crazy, but whatever). It was just great movie stuff! Three down, like 50 more to go!

(Harry Potter 6 - Half Blood Prince- OMG I cannot wait!!)
July 15th

(My boyfriend as Dali... so hot here- I apparently sighed out loud
at one point... Ken will not let me live it down)

TGI mother f*cking F

2009-05-08T14:21:00.002-04:00

All I am capable of saying today is- thank the freaking lord that it is Friday.

This weekend- loads of stuff and that holiday I don't celebrate because my mom lives far far away- What am I up to?

1. Board Game night with the AMBLERS and Charlemagne... it's on!
2. Laundry- yea that's right-Awesome Laundry
3. NYC with Ken and Killer
4. My Bobby P- all nakedy in Little Ashes
5. Sunday Spectacular of Star Trek and the DollHouse Finale

What are your plans- make it a great one!

It Can't Rain All The Time, But It Sure Can Try

2009-05-07T13:26:00.004-04:00

Um, all it does is rain. All the time. At first I was all, o hey rain, what up... then it was OMG, it's like we totes live in Forks... and then~ Maybe I will meet my Edward Cullen soon... and recently its been ~ I'm cold, where's the sun?? Seriously even I (with all my positive Sexy) can only put a silver lining on a rain cloud for so long before the feeling of my sopping wet bangs and my tiny wet toes start to drive me nutso and I go on a killing spree.

Ok so no killing spree (yet), but I really cannot take another day of cloudy moistness. But I'm going to have to (apparently) because it is supposed to rain for three more days. I swear, if I see Moses and an Arc, I am outta here. Two by Two, my ass... Nikki by Nicolle is more like it. Really which one of you asshats did something to piss off the universe and bring down all this smoting mo-fo rain? For the sake of the rest of us, just fess up and sacrifice yourself to the sun gods now please. (no... no? NO!!!) Honestly, I don't know what awful weather phenom is currently afflicting the NorthEast, but I am officially done with it and moving on. Who's with me?

Ok, so there is absolutely nothing I can do about this rain aside from move to another place right now (which ain't gonna happen). SO then what? I guess I need to suck it up because sometimes it just rains all over you... (for days and days and days... hey- there go two unicorn!). Sometimes life is terrible and gray and cold and miserable. And then for like three seconds the sun comes out and you are like- Holy Moses (hey) Jesus- life is so great and so btw is the sun and warmth and puppies!! You remember how not terrible life is and you get threw it.

So- for the duration of the 40 days of rain and the apocalyptic weather... just remember that the sun will shine again and it will be Awesome. And then it will be too hot and we will find something else to complain about- like the heat of the sun. (God we are such jerks!)

<3,
Nikki

American Idol: 2009

2009-05-06T09:09:00.005-04:00

So have you all been watching American Idol this season?? And are you all totally loving it? And wasn't last night like super dull for some reason? Ok aside from my dislike of song choices last night (except for my boy Kris Allen FOREHEAD)- this season is the bestest ever, I think. And I am super hoping DGokey (hey did you totes hear about his dead wife? Yea something about her being dead- crazy huh? They've really kept it under wraps) gets booted tonight and my favorite top three ever make it through.

Alyson Aherawhateverhernameis: She has a super cool voice and I thoroughly enjoy her every week (except for the pink hair and those crazy outfits). She's 17 and yet has this totally Awesome smokey sound and it makes me happy when I hear it. Would I buy an album of hers, I think so. She might be lame when she opens her mouth to speak, but when she sings- it is what rocker angels sound like... at least in my head (if there are angels and by that standard, rocker angels too)

Kris Allen: I want to f*ck you. I want to lay you down on a bed of roses and rip those tiny clothes off of you. Also could you please be playing your acoustic geetar and singing wonderful little off-beat love songs to me while we are making sweet sweet fornication? Super. Besides being soooo f*ckably cute, I actually really love his performances because they are so laid-back and acoustically Awesome. Download his "Falling Slowly" - I dare say better than the Oscar Winners themselves. Would I buy his album? Yes I would. He makes me happy.

Adam Lambert: Once upon a time in AI land, they compared this delightful gianty sprite of a man to my boyfriend, Bobby P and that was wrong to do (and I did not abide it then and still do not today)... But since then, I have really enjoyed Adam Lambert's performances every week and I cannot deny his talent is huge (along with potentially his cock). His voice is crazy Awesome and he really knows how to work this crowd of lemmings every week. I believe he will win- which will be no surprise- and I most likely will not buy his album as I am not sure what kind of music he is best suited for... and I don't know that in the end whatever he chooses will appeal to me. But I still love you Adam and wish you the best!

DGokey: You are Robert Downey Jr's brother- admit it. And for all your talented singing ability- I cannot stand you and your smarmy smirky bullshit. I am sorry- you can sing, but you are not likable. Sorry you asshat.

So who do I want it to come down to?? I would love to watch as much Kris Allen as Possible- so Adam and Kris. Talent-wise- Adam and Alyson. Much hated- Adam and DGokes. UGH!

Breakfast at Tiffany's: Why your Sexy Hates to Eat out!

2009-05-05T11:45:00.007-04:00

I love to eat out (true story- I typed you instead of out... I'm a weirdo). I just ate out like no joke, 5 days in a row. Seriously- for reals. I mean yea sure it's great for the economy of our nation that I support local eateries and gorge myself on pizza and bar food and not make any effort to cook healthy snacks (healthy snacks- what up Blues Clues) and what not... BUT honestly, it ain't good for the economy of my waistline, my Sexy, or let's face it, my soul to spend so much money and energy going out to eat.

Ultimately, you think your Sexy loves to go out for a night out on the town and eat fancy, tasty food at an elegant eating establishment (or even Applebees), but she doesn't. Sexy actually loves it when you go out and get active and have fun and look good doing it (she also loves puppies)- stuffing your face is not a Sexy activity (unless it's that kind of face stuffing and not the food kind). Yes sure, as adults it gets harder to not end up around a table of some sort consuming mass quantities of alcohol and food (fun yes, but fun you'll regret like a terrible food hangover). And that's precisely why we put on 20-40 lbs in our 30's and 40's because that's all we do. Sit Eat Drink. Your Sexy checks out and your eating disorders check in... Break the cycle (and that ugly dish your Aunt gave you) and don't go out to eat if you can help it.

So where's the payoff? What are you supposed to do with all this non-eating out time? How do adults socialize if food is not the center of it all?? Christ you people have problems. (jk, jk)- How about you spend some time going on a walk, watching a movie, writing something (anything, all things), dancing crazy, laughing, f*cking- look at all these verb type words you could be doing instead of eating... Seriously- my Sexy hates it when I eat out (again this time I typed it instead of out- what is wrong with me?) it like yells at my unSexy all "WTF unSexy... do you want me to move out right now??" and my unSexy is like "No no, just one more night out... I swear and then I'll take a break"- When your Sexy threatens to totes leave you high and dry... ya'll better listen.

So when your friends say "let's go out to eat tonight" suggest something else... like coffee (you can get water) or suggest you make dinner together (healthier) or like maybe you say "why don't we just bone on the couch instead?"- I mean seriously peeps, so many Awesome options out there.

Summer of Sexy (09)

2009-05-04T11:49:00.005-04:00

According to Sexy 08 (yea that's right, it's back), May 1st was the official Kick Off to Summer and Sexy. And Sexy 08 is never wrong my dears... so here's how you can get in on the Sexy Summer action too and make this the best Summer eva!!

May 09: What isn't happening this month? Charlemagne is back in town and lovin' it and me. He and I are making a pledge to fitness, Sexy, coffee, and you guys. Um, the summer blockbuster season begins! Wolverine, Star Trek, Terminator Salvation and of course, my Sexy boyfriend in Little Ashes (and How To Be on IFC on Demand). I heart summer movies!!! Killer, Sambler, Meghan, Mom, Maurice, and Urvi celebrate Bdays of fun! Also- tv season endings... will Chloe die on Smallville- wait and see!! What are you doing this May to make it Sextacular?!

June 09: My bf, Bobby P... Word on the street is he's totes filming a movie in NYC this summer between New Moon and Eclipse. I will be stalking him all summer long, come on the Sexy journey! Sammi and Chris Frisbie-Smith have some Awesome bdays!! What else- many bbqs I'm sure and many bdays to celebrate! House hunting and writing my novel because Curt is going to make me. Sometimes we have the motivation and Sexy within, sometimes we need a punch in the Sexy to get it started!!!

July 09: The Great Family Vacation to Maine! Once again I will be in Maine for the mid-July fun-fest of Wagners and Langlois. July Fourth BBQs!!!!! Also this month, HP6 - The Half Blood Prince. Aaambler, Dad and Amelia- get one more year older!! Ken potentially having a summer place nearby and much swimming in the pool at home and chillaxing. I am also looking forward to many fun weekends with my couples and gays!

August 09: GI Joe comes out... Leena and I go on a mini-break! Pedicures and tanning! More drinking, bbqs and movies! Heather and Nicholas- get their bday on! Still potentially stalking my boyfriend and starting the count down to New Moon and more Edward Cullen. (as you can see I haven't planned too far out into my summer, but I've got some general ideas). In any case, it will be a blast... What about you?

It is never too early to start enjoying your life. Perhaps there will be a Sexy summer fling in your future, or a class where you learn pottery, or a summer spent at the beach? Whatever it is- it is time to get yourself Sextastic- the winter is over... stop hibernating and start celebrating yourself Sexy self all over again!

<3,
Nikki

Who you Gonna Call? GhostHunters!

2009-04-29T21:15:00.003-04:00

Not much to report on tonight... just that Ghosthunters is scary and Awesome. Most of the time, I will tear up and cry like a little boy when watching it and it's freaking great. The older episodes especially. I am watching now and GH International peeps are on (aka Poor Man's GH) and they are hanging out in a morge in a mental hospital in NJ. That's some scary shit people.

You should totes be watching it, if you aren't.

That is all today. GhostHunters- love it.

Later this week... how Softball might give my love life the kick in the ass it needed (and not cause I'm a lesbian now)

ciao,
Nikki

One night in Bangcock...

2009-04-28T12:45:00.009-04:00

Once upon a time (we'll call it March)- one dark and frigid night- I received a crazy text message from a boy... (who will be known here-to-for as Netzero) and this is the sordid and wacky tale of what happened between us.

You know how I totes slipped in the other day (that's what she said!) that I got laid since January and you all were like "WTF, Nikki!!! When did that happen?" and I was all "Later, later"~ well, my dear friends, now is later (wrap your mind around that little nugget) and I'm ready to dish. So Netzero and I had been IMing online for a few months. He was cute (the cutest so far of the on-line men) and we got along really well because as it turns out, he is a huge dork too and also born in 1976 (crazy) and well looking por nub in all the wrong places. Well, actually as it turns out, he was not looking for love so much as looking for a place to stick his penis and well, I was looking for something more substantial (that's what I said- o wait- it is what I said). Anyway, so we just IM'd a lot and had fun Sexy chats and then nothing- for weeks. Until...

Until like one random Friday night where I was already in bed and trying to fall asleep (at like 10 coz that's how I roll) when my phone dinged at me that I had a new text message. Now mind you, Netzero and I had never spoken on the phone or anything, so I had no idea who was texting me "Hey Sexy"- It really could be anyone these days... so I was all "Who's this?" and he was like "Duh Netzero" and I was totally "O Hey" and then he was like "Let's meet" and I was reluctanty and said "Um?" and then he called. He has a pleasant enough speaking voice and to make a long story have better pacing, he talked me into meeting.

So we met and I was nervous. But he was charming and we ended up back at my place. And I knew we were going to have sex. And that was it. No strings and no expectations and we did. And it was interesting for me. Not in a boring way, but in like a "Hmmmmmm so this is how this goes again? Right- I remember this" psychological way. And btw, I was amazing as per always. And he was cute and fun and tried his damnedest to make it amazing for me (he knew the secret code) and it worked a little. But like I said, I've got some psychological hurdles to jump before I won't need Edward's help to Orgasm. So we chatted afterwards and then he left and I was like "OMG- One night stand!!!! Superstar!"

So ok, not many people brag about that - do they? Well I do. I am empowered by it completely. I feel no attachment to this man who was charming and cute and fun- so kind of a "OK" done over and moved on with my life kind of feeling. It's a little Awesome from this POV because normally I am all emotional and female about sex and what not- and this time... Not so much.

It gets better though... I have since IM'd with Netzero a few times and most recently he asked if I wanted to try again and I thought "Eh sure." Not OMG totally... more like "I suppose if I'm not busy, sure why not?"- I gotta say my dears... this is a moment I would have never thought was possible and the fact that A) its a second potential hook up and B) I'm cool and calm is totes insane. Go me! Go being empowered by your sexuality! Go being a Sexy 32 year old woman! It's a little Awesome to be me sometimes.

Don't be a D-Bag, good rule to follow

2009-04-27T10:05:00.009-04:00

Um, hey... you. I see you all there being asstastic to one of my friends and that ain't cool so um, watch yourself before you wreck yourself, k? Are we clear? I hope so because I will cut you. Have a lovely day.

<3,
Nikki

Super Sexy Busy

2009-04-24T19:25:00.003-04:00

Just so you all know, I am not ignoring you... was sehr busy yesterday at work and today I was taking a mental health day. I will write you soon about all sorts of good stuff.

In the meantime, watch the Dollhouse tonight and enjoy the Awesome warm weather (if you are near the jers...)

Love you
Nikki

Panic (Attack) at the Disco!

2009-04-22T10:42:00.017-04:00

So yesterday, I was all at work and doing my thang and being me... you know the us(ual) NI kind of Awesome only I can bring to the table when all of the sudden this overwhelming sense of tension and paranoia came over me and I felt, essentially, like I was being hunted down by a terminator robot (hell bent on mine and Earth's destruction) and I absolutely needed to get the hell outta the building. Seriously, no lie ~ I totes bolted and went home and like tried to chillax. Yea, so like, apparently... I've lost my mind (and my supercool). Hmmmmmmmm, when did that happen?

I think somewhere in my determined and powerful journey to Awesome and Sexy, my most recent side-track has taken me so far off course that finding it again is becoming ridunkulously hard, even with a GPS, a compass, and um, a Sherpa. I don't know why though... This year alone I've gotten a tattoo, gone on dates, decided to buy a house, gotten laid (a story yet to tell, but yes), sort of got really good news at work, and it's only April. All of these are tremendously Sexy things. And yet... and yet ~ I am kind of falling apart right smack dab in the middle of it. Where, o where did my little motivation go? I don't know, but I so need to get it and super glue it to my resolve (cause those terminator robots are all up in my grill) and I'm tired of not feeling Awesome and I don't like being attacked by panic (and robots), it's really not fun.

How am I going to get back on track and get my horse a movin' again? Well fear not my dears... As some of you may (or may not) know... Charlemagne, my Sexy co-rev, is moving back to NJ to re-charge his Sexy. And he promises not only to be my Sexy Sherpa, but fill in the gaps of my life between work and the couples (I date) to be like my friendly cock (or coch, you know, like the sealant used with tiles in bathrooms to fix up cracks... he he he... wow dirty) In any case, I am pretty sure his presence (cock or not) will amp my Sexy up automatically. But what else... relying solely on someone else is no way back to Sexy so I need to get over this whole anxiety bullshit myself and just do yoga, or masturbate (I am) or something or something. I am way too strong and Awesome for repetitive nightmares about being caught naked in my bed by prospective house buyers to ruin my rest every evening (which it has been). So enough is enough is enough.

I am taking back the night, metaphorically and literally and I am taking back my Sexy. Hansel and Gretal totes had a great plan about breadcrumbs leading them back to salvation and while that's all fine and carby for them, I need to be more like Louis and Clark or like the California Free-way or something so that all roads I take lead me back to Sexy. I'm cutting down trees and putting up road signs and GSP exits. I cannot allow myself to get lost in the woods again and get HUGE and crazy... I mean those woods are scary and dark and those damn Terminators (and panic attacks) would find me there and kill me and I cannot let that happen. So- getting back on track, defeating killer robots, and squelching attacking panic... Sexy 09 is making it's move. Who's with me?

Crawling in the Dark

2009-04-21T12:03:00.011-04:00

So today at work, we totally lost power for 1.5 hours. Like for reals... in this day and age. You can imagine the office was thrown into complete and total chaos (ok, not really chaos, more like general boredom and lethargy). BUT we didn't even have internet or lights or like the microwave (Or the Vending machine, I think)- it was terrible and boring. And it got me to thinkin'...

About a month ago when I was under contract in my house-buying venture and needing any and all cash on deck (does that metaphor work here?), my ipod died (I KNOW) Or so I impatiently thought. And instead of being rational and maybe getting it checked out or anything, I ran right over to the internet and purchased another (better) one. I freaked out about not having one, like a paranoid weirdo. And then my old one miraculously worked again and I realized just how insane I'd become. I am technology addicted like every other one of you mother fers. But I kind of new that because I totes bought a new laptop this year when my old stupid PC died. But still... really?

So back to today and my thinking... Once upon a time (we'll call it 1995) back before cell phones and the internets, the world was a much less complicated place. I could make a mix tape for my friends, watch a tape on my vcr, and not worry about phone calls I didn't need to be making... And yet, when you say that all out loud (or write it down), I sound like a crazy old person from 1865. "Member back before the internets? I do. Twas a simpler time then... you actually had to use a map and set your VCR to tape something... and music, well you could listen to one tape/cd at a time mister." Seriously- totally old tyme wackyness.

If you are hoping I'm going to come up with some totes Awesome way to get yourself out of the hamster wheel of techno-need, you are looking to the wrong gerbil (or hamster, really). I mean, really, I bought a new ipod and a new laptop the second I even remotely thought the old ones were broken. I am counting down the days until I can get a new cell phone and I cannot WAIT until I have DVR at home. I am a mindless zombie much like the rest of you. And I think, it's ok. My philosophy is this: Learn it, Love it, Make it work for you. If you are going to be a drone, be the best, most knowledgeable one you can be. You can't fight the music, my dears, nor can you fight the internets or itunes. Trust me.

(The Internets)

When is a raven like a writing desk?

2009-04-20T15:14:00.007-04:00

(OMG honey a blue door!)

As you all may (or may not) know, I am house-hunting right now. You know cause it's totes a buyer's market (I mean, go ask anyone and they will say that... even if they have no idea what they are talking about. It's like a hot trendy catch-phrase right now). Anyway, I am trying to buy a house because 2009 is all about getting my life together and leaping and all that other good stuff that I should never have been scared of in life. And boy howdy was I super into it a few months ago- I even was under contract once and it was nice (not quite as nice as making out, but nice). But now... NOW... o now... now I am just as jaded by this experience as I am with that whole other online hunting endeavor of mine (finding me a man)- O btw, I am so over dating... I sometimes forget we haven't spoken in a while.

In any case, I apparently burn out easily when I am faced with insecurity about myself and the realities of what my income can afford. I want to keep my hopes up on both fronts. I want to believe that I will fall in love with both a man and a house this year, but come on, is that realistic? Despite the fact that I am sassy and awesome and cute and make ok money- will I find happiness in either way? I don't know. And that tiny little 3 word phrase has me up at nights (and it has me watching HGTV any free time I have). Perhaps I am biting off too much, or more than I can chew (which is the actual saying)- but I really want to believe I am beyond baby steps here in life. I can totes take a full step into home ownership and relationshipville... but is believing in yourself enough sometimes?

Maybe I need to have patience. All due time... watched pot... two in the hand is a lot to hold (whatever, I have small hands)... But I really really want a house now. My very own awesome space in the world. And I am ready for it. But like I want it to be pretty, and like in Mtown, and have a washer/dryer... honestly my standards for a house far exceed those for a man ~ which explains a lot. Come on universe, help a sista out!!!!

In any case, the journey continues. Both journeys... all journeys always continue and I hope to have good news eventually... but like for reals- I am so stressed out that Edward and I have been chillaxing together a lot lately. Like BFF my friends and that still ain't helping. So just remember- house hunting and man hunting are very stressful, give you little joy, and end usually with you only being mildly appreciative with what you end up with in the end. But GD it if the status level is totally awesome with both!!! (I am so kidding btw, I never condone mediocrity... be Awesome always) but it would be nice to have a driveway to pull into (metaphorically and for reals)

<3,

Nikki

So you give up every chance you get, just to feel new again.

2009-04-17T09:35:00.003-04:00

Oh, hey... yea- so I totally didn't write for a super long time. I'm so sorry about that, but you know, I got totes lazy and then just lost all track of...

I have no excuse... not only did I turn my back on you, but I turned my back on my Sexy and that is not ok people. So I am back and feeling very apologetic and recalcitrant (is that a word?).

I am hoping my return to the blog and myself and you guys will help me get back on track. Having you all (you all being a bunch of people who may or may not be reading this) to answer to when I get lazy and stupid and unfocused is a great thing. When I have no one to answer to, I don't answer. I watch HGTV like I am getting paid time and a half for it and I eat like a one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eater (which is to say, a lot) and I don't work out. Seriously, now you can see how dire the sitch is, right?

So I am back, begging for forgiveness... telling you how hot Bobby P is... and giving you colorful re-tellings of my life's most fill-in-blank moments and thoughts ~ if you'll have me?

TV-gasm: Dollhouse

2009-02-10T09:34:00.005-05:00

Friday the 13th- 9pm Fox. Check it out. Joss Whedon's newest creation. I cannot wait!!!!! I heart him and Eliza and Amy Acker and YAY!

Conversation Hearts to Honor Twilight DVD Release (ha)

2009-02-09T10:55:00.005-05:00

HA HA HA- the world is totally bending to my will. My Twilighty, Edward Cullen Lovin' Will!!! HA HA HA HA... you know those annoying Valentine's Day hearts that litter the world at this time of year~ The obnoxiously cutesy lovery little things that say "BE MINE"~ fuck you heart, no I will not... I will be my OWN- eat that! In any case (and despite my Valentine's Day apathy), NECCO is releasing a new round of message hearts just in time for TWILIGHT's big DVD drop date of March 21st. FOR REALS!!

I mean, that's insane people. AND AWESOME! I can't believe I stumbled on to this phenom by accident with Heather Frisbie-Smith one silly little Saturday afternoon. And now, candy hearts that say things like "I <3 EC"- OMG, wait, I heart EC. Now that's a love message I can get behind. I may not be ready to give a "Be Mine" or "Kiss Me" away to anyone right now, but declaring my love for all things Twilight is something I do regularly anyway. Seriously, I find this terribly hilarious.

So, once the ridiculousness of Valentine's Day abates and you are left feeling empty in your heart... just remember that not only is Twilight coming to DVD soon, but that New Moon starts filming in Canada shortly. To quote some song that I don't know very well "We've only just begun..." Yea, only just begun.... to bend to my crazy phenomenal will. Tee Hee Hee. Awesome.

I see cute people (actually just cute guys)

2009-02-05T11:39:00.010-05:00

I see dead people. Ok, no I don't... I don't see dead people at all. I thank my lucky Bobby P's for that too. I would pee my pants if I did, no lie. I am a chicken shizitt, for absolute reals. (A blog for another day)

What I do see are cute guys literally everywhere I go. I think I am officially the horniest I've ever been. Masturbation coupled with dating and making out creates a vortex, a black hole of horny (if you will) deep inside me and it's eatin' me alive. But eating me in like a hot Sexy way... or some kind of Sex way. Ok, it's just about sex.

When did I become a 14 year old boy? Ok, a 14 year old boy with the moral compass of a 32 year old horny lady who looks like an 18 year old teenage girl. Hmmmm that's complicated... Anyway, what am I going to do here? I want to have sex, but I know what's best for me is not to engage in one night stands and flirtations with dangerous men who intimidate me (if a man intimidates me- it's like honey to a fly people because I am one scary bitch myself); and yet nightly I find myself opening up doors to morally ambiguous situations that will only do more damage and not help. I suppose this is what happens when you try your hat at something new. When you are old, like me, and try "dating" out for shits and giggles, you are at a disadvantage... decidedly. Awesome.

Here's the funny thing I'm learning though: I am Sexy as hell. No, no... not like last year's Sexy Self declaration, but like guys dig me. It's just that I'm not sparking with the ones that do... It's empowering a little (in an egotistical way). But you know, I sabotage it (it being my Sexy) by talking with guys who want their dick in my mouth or between my boobs instead of guys who want to take me out to dinner and hold my hand (ok, the one guy who did want to hold my hand was no fun... why is danger more appealing?)

I am lost amidst a sea of tantalizing, tempting man beasts. I want... them all~ deliriously so. Slutty McWhoreington- is that me now? No, I will make the best decisions for me- morally right for Nikki Illinois... I will be strong. O, hey that guy who just walked by... yum!

PS- I am looking to get some structure going on here at the NI blog. I was re-reading Sexy 08 and I was like damn this was a great blog- I need to get my act together... I owe it to the readers.

Chick-Lit and the Fat Girl... (and the Vampire)

2009-02-02T10:06:00.014-05:00

I read a lot. I read a lot of Chick-Lit. I read a lot of Chick-lit about Fat Girl protagonists. I read a lot of Chick-lit about Fat Girl protagonists who are insecure and unlikable. I read a lot of Chick-lit about Fat Girl protagonists who are insecure and unlikable and it makes me mad.

I get it- I am insecure... and I am fat. But hey, PS: NEWS FLASH... I am not a one note character who only worries and frets about my fatness and its affect on others. Granted Chick-Lit's whole bag is "one note female characters," so I guess I should be happy that on top of being worried about landing a man (the traditional Chick-Lit concern), they've added ridiculous insecurity to the mix. I guess that makes Fat Protags "two note" characters- go us! Ugh, really?

So why is that? Do people really think those of us voluptuous gals just kind of cringe at the idea of people actually seeing us? Or am I just way too ok with my body and ultimately, I should be ashamed of it? I don't know, but I always find it hard to relate to these women in these books. I am insecure, but not always... I am funny, but not always... I am loved and not lonely. I would, apparently, make for a horrible Chick-Lit character. Not enough self-loathing and I think, this is a good thing, no?

The funny other side of this argument is I related to Bella Swan in Twilight and ultimately she is NOTHING like me. Bella, the brown-eyed, shy every girl... Socially Awkward... Strangely Mature (ish)... And yet I saw myself in her need and desire for Edward Cullen and my friends barked at me "this girl is you" and yet um, I am none of those things. I am the ultimate opposite of Bella. Not an every girl for sure, not a scared timid deer of a woman, not a self conscious fatty waiting for that Greek god who loves some booty to come in and save me (however if Edward Cullen did I'd be ok with it). Maybe not so opposite, but I'm ok with that little same-ness.

So maybe it's time I start writing that novel about the attention whore of a bootilicious romantic who just wants to fall in love while already loving her life... No one saves her... but someone makes her smile and blush, a lot. Seems to me that we shouldn't want the tragic spazz to be the reflection of our inner selves, should we? Why not be reflected in the lovable warrior who's not quite done baking yet?? (PS: I also saw a lot of myself in Buffy). Bella or Buffy, apparently, I just want to fall in love with a broody vamp with a large fore-head. But you guys all knew that already?

So, let's just say that I need to start reading better books, for starters... And for second, those of you writing Chick-Lit... stop doing all us ladies (Fat or Not) dirty. Write a better character... you'll thank me for it. (and seriously, no more chunky chicks who can't even look in the mirror... ugh).

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth...

2009-01-29T21:25:00.005-05:00

I was totally in love once (ok twice but I'm not talking about TDWBR-OS this time). It was a dysfunctional messy love, but still in love completely- heart and soul and stomach and feet. That was almost 10 years ago, this year. And still when I talk about this person, I get sad... I start to tremble a little... I dream about him. I wonder if he thinks about me at all.

This whole dating thing dredges up memories... whether it's dark nights in my car with TDWBR-OS or emotional baggage I've been carrying around from Ernie (no that's not his name, but I gotta name the him mentioned above, don't I?), the taste, the memory, the anchor to my most intimate moments with guys keep popping into my head at the most inopportune times. And let me tell you, it wreaks havoc with my heart and it's deepest desires. I want to love like I loved Ernie, but with all the bonus perks of Ernie realizing the connection between us. And I want to have sex like I did with TDWBR-OS only this time with someone who loves me unconditionally and doesn't treat me like a doll on a shelf somewhere. I do not want to lower my standards because someone is nice to me or because someone seems "into" me. I'm better than that... But those stupid ghosts are haunting my heart and causing me to see them everywhere and causing me to want and need again. Booo and weakness and vulnerability.

It's hard for me to forget Ernie especially (it's funny to call him that and I laugh every time I type it). He is a great, funny, awesome person. And our story together ended tragically and painfully and in tears even though we were just bffs. But honestly, I've never known someone who absolutely connected like that with me ever before or ever again (so far). And let me tell you, I have some mo-fo close friends people so this was intense and hilarious and everything you hear relationships are supposed to be... aka BELLA and EDWARD type of crazyness. But like I said, it ended tragically on a Halloween night 10 yrs ago. And my only hope for my new-found dating centric episodes with guys is that one day someone will be as amazing to me as he was... I suppose that is my light at the end of the tunnel, that there will be a Burt for me and it will be everything Ernie and TDWBR-OS were and more...

Burt... he he he, let's hope he comes relatively soon... anymore dates like last week and I might become a nun. (well one that uses a vibrator religiously). Thank God for Edward!

Nothing like the future...

2009-01-26T16:16:00.003-05:00

I'm forcing myself to take a vacation this year...

Like an honest to Robert Pattinson vacation this year. Don't believe me, just you wait! I mean, dating, tattoos, vacations... I'm tired of being so expectant about my life- now is the time to grab it's balls for real. Last year was all the prep-work, this year is all reward.

What have I been waiting for? No idea. Some man? Hardly. (btw, dating is so stupid). I'm just going to go for it... for all of it.

CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN!!!

Dating Tips from a 9 year old Boy...

2009-01-23T09:05:00.005-05:00

So ya'll know I'm trying to get out there and date, be aggressive (B E Aggressive...). Ok, not aggressive, but not my passive normal stance on dating of wait and perhaps someone will eventually swim on by. So of course I am open to suggestions from most people. And by people, I mean everyone, and by everyone... I mean my 9 yr old nephew, Nick.

Before I begin with Nick's Dating Tips for the Ladies, I'd like to mention that A: My sister is a feminist, B: Nick is neither a time traveler from 1955 nor does he watch Mad Men, and C: Nick is still the cutest guy I know, despite this list.

Nick's Dating Tips for the Ladies:
1. Make sure to talk about cars and sports.
2. Do not talk about Gymnastics or Dancing, unless explicitly told by the guy that he loves these things.
3. Wear a dress because guys like dresses.
4. Laugh at all his jokes, even if they are unfunny.
5. Do not be funnier than him and definitely do not tell puns (? I still don't get this one- I think Nick just doesn't like puns).
6. Bring a newspaper (Michelle noted that maybe I should only bring the Autos and Sports sections)
7. Go see a funny movie so he can laugh.
8. Make sure he knows I'm a good cook (this would be false advertising).
9. Do not talk about getting your nails done (Are there people who do that?).
10. Don't be too sarcastic.

As you can see, Nick is a throw back of sorts to a long gone era of misogynistic idealism. He also did not think I should get a tattoo because it was dangerous (he fears that tattoo artists will "scribble" on you and that I was lucky mine didn't). In any case, my sister (Hey Michelle) called him out on all of these and he finally admitted that he knew these were horrible tips, but he didn't want me to get a bf because then I wouldn't spend time with him anymore. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

***In case I ever get a BF, my dear friends, and readers... I would like to remind you all that I DO NOT abide that kind of behavior. My friends and family have been there for me through everything. I love you all and I will not abandon anyone. Boyfriend or not, you mean more to me than I can possibly explain. OK? Are we done worrying.

So as I try to weed through the DO's and DON'Ts of dating, I'll be sure to remember all of you that I love and all the ego stroking of the man that needs to get done.

Seriously... don't be too sarcastic. I don't even think I'm capable of that- I hope that's not a legit one!

Tattoos=Super Cool

2009-01-19T15:44:00.003-05:00

I got a tattoo my friends!!! I totally did it and I gotta say I feel better about it than I did about my date. No second guessing, no stupid thoughts about myself. Perhaps I should just get tattoos, use Edward (my vibe), and let that be it. If only I didn't like hand-holding and kissing so much. O well!

I went with SAMbler and she also got a tat! A loving tribute to a wonderfully important member of her family (see below)- Drew. As you can see from above I got a Moon and three stars. Yes it is symbolic... it is me (the moon) and the three stars represent my 3 decades on the planet. I've wanted one since I was 18 and now at 32 (quite an Awesome age), I was finally able to convince myself to do it. With special thanks and motivation again to SAMbler because without her it would never have happened.

Not only was the tattoo-ing good times (but painful), but afterwards was a hoot and I got shit-faced. I think I texted someone with a "I'm titally runk!" I think that says it all. Anyway- good times with a good person (people). I will definitely get another one. They are too cool not to.

The Date: a chilling tale of stupidity

2009-01-16T09:21:00.020-05:00

"When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it is unreasonable to grieve when it comes to an end." (To be taken Sarcastically)

Sometimes we wish for something so much, the need becomes too ridiculous and abstract and that insane longing transforms into a vague misunderstanding in our hearts and we end up with hollow shells instead of what we truly desire. You can only covet for so long before all you have is the want with no definition. I am at that place I think... the world is a vampire and my heart's yearnings have been sucked dry.

Last week, at this exact time, I was having a nervous breakdown because of my impending date. Absolutely natural, as I had not been on a date really ever, but it had been over two years since I'd been near anyone like that at all. And then there's that whole pesky insecurity thing I have going on. In any case, I was losing my shit left and right and just wanting to make it through the day, through the date and enjoy myself. That's a lot of pressure. But not unreasonable, right?

So as not to bore you with details of my work day (I do that frequently enough), let's skip ahead to date time. There I am, impatiently sitting on my couch, reading about whether or not Taylor Lautner will be New Moon's Jacob Black (he will!) in my new EW when my phone rings. It is Killer (not to be confused with the killer, not that there is a killer in this story, well Kristin is Killer but whatever...) and she is busting with excitement for me. (Side note: I was called so much as a result of this date it was like I had been nominated for an Academy Award and people were congratulating me on it.). I get up, start talking fast and pacing... "Where is he?" Um almost here... "O how close?" 7 minutes away about 5 minutes ago. "Are you ok?" What, no... of course not. BEEEEEP. Holy Crap, Kristin... He's here, I gotta go. "No, look out the window check him out!" No, I gotta go. Click. "Hey" Hi! "So I'm here." Ok, I'm coming down. I shut the phone, not waiting for an answer and bolt down the stairs into the freezing Friday night air with no coat in a sleeveless shirt. Nothing mattered, I was going to have a heart attack anyway so being cold was like a passing thought of inconvenience and nothing more.

He pulls up (I'd like to give him a nickname here in the story, so many could be used, but I'm just going with Stabby McStabberson because it was a funny joke he and I had, one about stabbing me.) and gets out of his car. He looks like his picture as do I. Yay. Good. Score one for me. He offers up a mix cd he made me (awwww, I love music) and the "hello hug" arms and I hug him back. This is when I should have realized that things were going to be weird, but I am stupid sometimes and try to ignore rational thought at all costs when men are concerned. He starts rocking us back and forth. Um, did we just meet? I mean, sure we've had some hilarious conversations on the phone, but um didn't we just meet? But I roll with it. I roll with all of it. Because why... I am stupid sometimes. We pull apart and head upstairs to my apartment. He is all up in my grill and space immediately. I am ridunkulously charmed by this because I like it when boys find me attractive. I am a sucker for it. So on I roll.

We leave to go to dinner which was supposed to be the dainty date food of Mexican (WTF). But he is starving. I mean, he has told me how starving he is like 100 times already this evening, he cannot abide the 10 minute ride to Red Bank nor a wait of any kind. HE IS STARVING, people. So I suggest Houlihan's. We go (he is already groping my leg in the car)- It is packed- no way. Long story short, my hot Sexy date ends up at Friendly's. You know, Friendly's with the ice cream cone clown face... you know, Friendly's with freakish waitstaff and greasy food... you know, Friendly's that place I went on my hot Sexy date.

So Stabby and I are brought to the most awkward date table ever. It is an enormous, gigantic square table with a booth side and a chair side, for just the two of us. We both sit down and look at one another and laugh. Ridiculous. Tension is gone at this point. We look over the menu, we chat, we laugh. All good, still Friendly's but whatever, right? We order and there are some discussions of other foods, Wasabi... Philly Cheesesteak... Ice Cream, which leads Stabby to disclose that he is indeed lactose intolerant- but ordering a $.99 sundae regardless. Stabby says "I will blow up a bathroom at some point tonight." Awesome. But none of this phases me, I am totally unshockable for some reason. I am also totally not hungry and he asks me about that... and I shyly respond that I was nervous all day. At this point, he reaches across the table for my hand and sweetly and sexually strokes the inside of my palm with his finger. I won't lie, lactose or not, I was getting turned on. Why? Because I am so stupid sometimes.

So food, food, amazon waitress, ice cream... done. We leave Friendly's and his arm's around me, he's playing with my hair, he's groping my leg again in the car. At this point, I am fairly certain I'm going to get my make-out wish this evening, huzzah! We get back to my place and there is definitely a sexual tension now. We get some beers, put in the DVD he brought (hilarious btw, I would soo watch that again) and we start the couch dance of the cuddling. First legs touch, then arms, then full blown laying on each other. There is giggling over the movie, chatting about random things (he threatened the life of Bobby P at this point and I am flattered... why? Because I am so stupid sometimes) and at one point a kiss on my cheek and some blushy goodness. Ok. This is fine- rolling with this is easy. We sit up for a beer moment and because I am a spazz and I arm-flail when I talk, I graze... his... crotch. Seriously. For Reals. You cannot take me anywhere (near a cock apparently).

I look at him in horror and he is just beaming at me. Stabby says "First of all, that was my pants, not my penis and secondly... you are blushing insanely right now." I, of course, with my smooth lines and Awesome Sexyness laugh and say "I just didn't want you to think I was going in for the cock grab so early." I am adorkable, obviously and irresistible and he pulls me in for the big, first kiss. It was nice. There is tongue. I am happy. We resume a nice balance of making out and movie-watching for the next hour. It is pleasant and fun, but not earth-shattering. I wonder about that in passing, but write it off as not every kiss is going to blow your mind.

Once the movie is over, Stabby asks if we can listen to the mix cd he made me. The only CD player of any kind in my apartment is in my room, on my laptop. Sexy. At this point in the story, it is important to note that Stabby has been having some serious nasal issues and is blowing his nose like every 10 minutes. He requests a "tissue/garbage" bag of some kind to be placed next to my bed. Ok. A runny nose is like totally not weird, just unfortunate... so sure, a Sexy garbage bag- no problem. We get the music going and cuddle in my bed in the dark. There is a lot more making out, there is a lot more groping, there are a lot more second thoughts I'm having but pushing aside so that I can enjoy the naughty touching. We are moving quickly here folks. There are tongues and hands and moaning. We get into less restrictive clothing (PS he is sleeping over... Why? Because I am so stupid sometimes). There is extreme cuddling and stomach noises (his). I laugh at how mad his belly sounds. I am enjoying the closeness with someone. It is comfy and nice. He smells like clean laundry. I am trying to loose myself in the moment. He is trying to not poop himself, apparently. He loses the battle and must go "blow up" my bathroom. I find this funny, but not strange. I can roll with a stomach issue. That is not weird, right?

He returns. His hands are on my breasts. I am turned on, but there is no deep ache. I am wet, but there is no deep need for him to do anything else to me. He is kissing me and I him and his tongue is pushing deep and hard into my mouth and I am into it, no lie. I could be into just the kissing for hours, I think. But again, the passing thought of, why isn't there an ache? His hands are inching ever so closely to my southern parts and I do not stop him... until he tries to take my pants off. I freak out, just the slightest in my brain. And I stop him. I am not ready for that. Fingers, fine. Other parts, no. In this moment, I have created awkward. Like I birthed it as soon as I hesitated and now he is weird. Now he wants to sleep. Now I feel stupid.

So, we try to sleep. Or I try to sleep. He succeeds with his snoring and taking over the bed, while I am ambushing myself mentally. I suppose eventually I fall asleep... because I wake up to the sound of his vibrating Blackberry and his sleepy eyes looking at me and daylight from the window. It is 8:15. We smile at one another and he pulls me in for more cuddling. I am relieved. Maybe he doesn't hate me for the hesitation. His stomach is quiet. He is rubbing my head. This is nice again. We are hugging and holding and I feel ok and normal and I remember this feeling from before (Before when I was with someone). His hands are entwined with mine and these are the parts that I enjoy the most above everything else. I acknowledge what that means slightly to myself. Eventually, we start to kiss again and this time I allow my pants to come off. He is insistent that he show me what his tongue can really do... I hope it is better than what his fingers did, as my bladder hurts from the violent poking at it. He does not rock my world. But part of me is shattered a little by it. I make sure to reciprocate. I am good with my mouth. I am so good with my mouth he is over and done in a matter of minutes. Ooops. My bad. I really wanted to practice.

It is at this point in the story that Stabby gets dressed and leaves. There is a snow storm a comin'- or you know a dustin' a comin' and well, the awkwardness is tangible in the air between us. We kiss goodbye and I am alone. I have a lot of phone calls to make, you know because it is really an honor to get nominated for an Oscar and I should be so happy about it, but I am still kind of caught in my head over it all. I call Killer and watch Stabby clean the snow off his car from my window. "Tell me everything!!!" Well, where do I begin... maybe with my being so stupid sometimes?

It's time for that Tattoo... I think.

2009-01-14T14:07:00.007-05:00

I think this is the year I'm getting a tattoo, my friends. This is the year I go on dates and get tattoos and stop worrying about everything. People have been asking me what the motto for 09 is and well I'm thinking it's definitely along the lines of "Living Dangerously" OR "Coloring outside the lines..." But I didn't take many risks last year... so apparently, that's what I'm doing this year.

I don't know where this mentality will lead, but I'm surely hoping that the road will be exciting and adventurous. And of course, I will share it all with you. Potentially vaguely, but still.

BTW- stay tuned for the uncut and uncensored version of what transpired on my date last Friday, by request from Meghan. I've been told this version is HILARRYUS!!!