An Open Letter to 2011...

Dear 2011,

Remember when I said something like I just wanted to have fun this year. I mean that was my 2011 New Year's resolution: TO HAVE FUN! (such a very wise and adulty kind of thought).  Remember when I thought being vague like that would somehow make my New Year's Resolution more obtainable?  Remember when I thought I could outsmart the Universe like that?  Boy Howdy was I neither right nor wrong.  You were neither super awesome 2011 nor were you super terrible.  You kicked my ass a couple times and then hugged me until I cried tiny adorably sweet puppies from my eyes.  Bi-polar had nothing on you insano clown posse of a year, nothing.

I finally got that new job I'd been hoping for since the Incredible BC got swallowed whole by a large unfeeling robotic heartless joyless sunless gloomy corporation.  It was an amazing moment in time- the quitting.  Stuffing it to the guy who had ruined the job I had loved so much.  And then explaining my job to him for hours upon hours upon hours and days and forevers.  Hoping he finally understood what an asshat he had been, knowing I could be openly jerktastic to him...  Totally Very Satisfying.  Even my last email to the group was awesome.  But...  But...  But then it was suddenly very less awesome- you know, when I realized I had to say goodbye to people who were not just co-workers, but close friends.  People who I laughed as easily with as I do my top 5 Best Friends- my every day little insane family.  It was hard to close that door, last parking ticket, last lunch with Urvi and Mike, last song to sing with Marta, last full on laughfest with Kiki and Cassi and Patricka.  I managed to not cry on my last day, hard to believe my friends, but true.  The end of an era, the beginning of new work friends and new work problems.  A huge change in my life, a bitter-sweet symphony if you will.

Also, 2011 you incredibly weird little minx, I met guys this year.  Multiple men.  I dated, was dating, had dates (conjugate that mothereffers)... And something I hadn't done since the TDWBR-OS:  I got involved with men.  Not just one weirdo date like you know This GUY but actual every day interaction.  I fell a little bit for one of them.  It had momentum, it had spark.  But It wasn't all roses and chocolates (CLICHE)... I mean, I did somethings I'm not too proud of that I thought I could handle, but couldn't (Hey Mom!).  I was able to control some other things that in the past I wouldn't have been able to stop.  I kicked some guys to the curb, had some come back (huh? for me?), and managed to be perfectly respectable to myself all year.  I got a little stomped on in a lot of ways.  And as the year closes, I am still trying to figure some of it out.  I am hopeful.  I am skeptical.  I am ok.

And then 2011, there were the moments that mattered in small incredible ways.  Meeting Jared Padalecki and him remembering me at the convention, buying tickets to meet Jensen Ackles in 2012 (TEE HEEE- shut up!), moving into a new place and getting new adult stuff like beds and tvs finally and DVR, my always hardcore friends continuing in their own odd little ways to have my back like warriors, my family still happy and together and the funniest people I know.  A roadtrip with Porkbutt, a Thanksgiving with Maurice and Michelle, a birthday month with everyone I love, a summer of movies with Mike, Headless Horsemen, Zombie Walks, Waglois Pond Summer Vacation, Last Harry Potter with my whole family, Christmas Eve with Neeka and Vic and their families, Lunch with Casey and Heather, My last lunch with the Admin Group at work, Nip nights with Alan and Sam, Indigo Girls, dating Batman...

Ultimately, this year taught me that the 2006 version of me was gone.  That was the last time I remember feeling totally helpless.  The last time I felt completely broken.  And that's not me anymore.  People can say I haven't changed, but they'd so very very wrong.  I sparkle in ways I never did back then.  2011 was a year of tests and I passed.  There was no failure.  There was just me, dealing with my life: a full completely insane dorkified life.  Remember when Curt and I were REVOLUTIONARIES and we were all about making ourselves better and sexier and stronger??  Member all that?  I do.  And now I can see how successful it was...  So 2011- thanks for the memories even if they weren't so great (sometimes).  Thanks for showing me that even bitter 70% cacao is still ultimately chocolate and thanks for Jared Padalecki's arms.  Those were really awesome.

Love,
Nikki Illinois