The Monsters Aren't Buried Down Deep Inside

I'm not someone who lets go very easily.  Of anything.  Ever.  I know that's not really all that shocking... but it is one of my worst habits.  Possibly the worst... although, falling for assholes is also not of the good either.  But much like the easy listening classic (by Chicago?) it is a "Hard Habit to Break."  I wallow and allow myself to be sucker-punched all the time by life because I just can't seem to figure out how you forget the past while learning from it.  So how do I cope if I'm not moving on?  I bury things in a shallow grave of happy times and smiles and life.  I ignore and ignore and ignore until I can't... until I am haunted by a memory or confronted face to face by a zombie from my past.  Pet Cemetery ain't got nothing on my brain.  For reals.

Recently, TDWBR-OS was seen wandering the streets of the NYC (possibly in search of brains) and I was, of course, informed that his previously dead  ass had officially risen and was enjoying life and looking perfectly the same and sounding totally fine (Thankfully I did not see him, but two of my friends did).  Wow- so he wasn't horrifically deformed or weeping to himself in a corner softly whispering my name?? (Um Karma- we need to talk STAT, btw)  Yea so zombie ex-boyfriend rises and what is my demon-hunting, vampire slayering, kick-ass chick reaction? If you thought it had anything to do with reacting rationally, please stop reading now because you and I are not friends...  Nope.  I totally had a mini breakdown.  In my car.  While listening to Sara Bareilles and P!nk.  There were tears, tears, tears- not for my Supernatural Boys or Chris Colfer on Glee or even the death of Marshal's dad on HIMYM, but for me, myself, and I.  I was openly sobbing over the shattered, decaying (brain eating) self I'd buried 4 years ago.  Because as much as I want to pretend that I've vanquished (slaughtered, slayed, ganked) that part of myself- I have not.  Apparently the zombie I should have been hunting all this time was not him, but the broken me that was rising up and freaking out (and looking for brains).  The monster that's haunting me and scaring me and torturing me is myself.  Awesome.

P!nk tried uber hard to convince me that I'm "F*cking Perfect" and S Bareilles really wanted me to "Let The Rain" run all over my face so that I feel all renewed (or something like that).  But unfortunately, for at least a day, Zombie Nikki was munching on my brain and distracting me with her general grossness.

So ultimately, how do I do battle with myself?  If there aren't any external monsters and I'm fighting my own personal demons, how exactly do I win?  When (if ever) will I stop using a demon fighting metaphor in this blog?  All really good, important questions... that I don't really have any answers for.  I wish I could say to you all "O I already salted and burned that zombie bitch."  But, I can't...  I am still haunted and tortured cause like Chicago (still not sure about this) sang "I'm addicted to you... a hard habit to break."  Until I figure a way out of this, I guess that's why I have Sam and Dean and Buffy kicking around.   Well guys "We've got work to do..."