Once upon a time there was a little girl and her name was Nikki (or she tried to establish herself as such, but alas no one was biting so she developed an odd attachment to her strangely spelled name and gave up her dream of ever having a nickname). Either way, she envisioned herself doing all sorts of wacky unusual things when she grew up. Sometimes she pretended she would be all the normal stuff like a teacher and office worker and retail gal. Sometimes she thought living in a soap opera would be fun with all the decanters of liquor and boardrooms and drama (I know, right?). And most times, she dreamed of being the leader of a biker gang or an artist. That little girl grew up to do none of those things (pretty much), maybe one day she'll get the chance, but for now- she sucks down coffee at her corporate job and wonders when exactly reality killed all those awesome career choices and took away those decanters of liquor (I believe in 2001 when she graduated from college).
Currently my Myspace mood would be "disenchanted" with an exasperated little face next to it, that is if I still had a Myspace page. I'm at a place in my life where I've been living fairly comfortably for a while now... racking up stuff and debt and growing into each salary increase I've received. You know, I've been busy being an Adult American. But lately I have found little satisfaction with my career choice/my career "Ooops, sure ok I'll take that job." I just go and do my work and get it done well and efficiently and yada yada yada and fume and rage and yada yada every day. It is not what I pictured all those years ago for myself... mostly that picture consisted of a Harley Davidson and being tough- so I really dropped that ball. And not bein' artistic, well that's an even bigger bitter pill to swallow. And let me tell you, I can swallow big pills, without water... so you know, this pill is like GINORMOUS and infinitely bitter. No lie.
I truly miss being creative, but how does that fit into the scope of being an adult and the rest of my life, like for reals? Can I survive by just being slightly creative on the weekends with my friends? Possibly. I think my real problem is that I no longer have any warm, squishy feelings towards my job. I try and I just can't find any silver-lining or even a copper-lining or like let's say a tinfoil lining anymore. I've been here 7 years and maybe it's time I revisited all those silly ideas I had as a 6 year old... Leader of a biker gang sounds really exciting, doesn't it? But truth be told, when I think about jumping out of my slightly comfy, exceptionally low to the ground office-chair and onto a sweet-ass "hog", I become paralyzed with fear. (Partially because I don't know how to ride a motorcycle at all and partially because I find them scary now that I am over the age of 25)
What do I want to do? Who do I want to be now that I am 34 years old and like established in my life? Should I be tapping into my awesome in different ways now? And how in the hell does someone do that exactly? I just want someone to throw a great job in my lap and really that does not happen, unless your name is Chris Frisbie-Smith (and there is actually no one by that name in real life). So what do I do? Do I just say "I'm super grateful for my job and the money and that is all that is important because so many people do not have anything right now" OR do I actually try to fix this constantly rotting part of my life before it is too late and I've got roof leaks and ulcers and I'm completely miserable always? Hmmmm- that sounds pretty dire, doesn't it? So ok, fix the problem... now I ask my 34 year old self... Nikki, what do you wanna be when you grow up?
Some of my answers are the same... ok well one. Artist. New ones include: Photographer. Small Business owner. Wealthy (is that a job). Office Manager at a small business. Office Manager for an Art Gallery. Something at an Art School. Art, Art, Art... Office Manager. And of course, a demon hunter with my sister (Hey Michelle!).
I can feel it coming. That drastic change in life where you up heave yourself and do something totally different. It has to happen for me to continue to evolve. But sitting here, staring at Snackles and listening to Holiday Music on my dual monitors... it is hard to see beyond this office that I share with Marta and the last 7 years of my life. I know I need to grow up and move on... and make some real decisions about having an actual career doing something I can care about beyond stuff and debt. The question does not get easier, at least not for me. But there's still potential and growth in my life and that makes me smile... and then I picture myself on a motorcycle riding freely across the country and maybe potential and hope is all I need to get me through the questions.
Seriously though- motorcycles are terrifying to me. So let's change the above to um a Vespa or like just me being the leader of car gang. That sounds far more practical and reasonable and still insane. Huzzah!
2 comments:
Ive always wanted to be a princess myself.....
I can relate. I'm the same age, with the same feeling about work. I'd like to be creative, but I'm just not. If I do change careers, I don't know what I'm good at. Going back to college is expensive when you don't have a significant other to pick up the slack.
You mentioned some careers that seem possible. Maybe you could try doing them on your free time to test them out before taking the big leap? If you want to be a photographer, how about starting small and getting a portfolio together or taking pictures for a friend's event? Or if you want to work in the art world, is there a place that takes part time volunteers so you can see if it is right for you?
Post a Comment