The Closure

Do you ever watch that show, The Closer starring Kyra Sedgwick on TNT?  You know, where she "closes" cases and some other such detectivey stuff and speaks in a weird-ass accent?  Clearly I don't watch it, (my Mom and Dad do though) and also this blog is not about her or that show.  But the title was similar and she does close things so I went there.  Yea, I did.

So anyway, today is all about The Closure we all kind of need for one reason or another in our lives and why it can be so very very allusive to find and so very very daunting to go after.  I am a person who seldom lets go of emotional trauma.  I let the black holey goodness of tears and melodrama suck me in time and time again.  Dusty memories that serve no purpose other than to make me feel bad about myself or my life or etc...  So why bother with the self-mutilating torture?  Why am I a glutton for poking at scabbed over wounds (gross, right?)?  Because I have no conclusion, no reasons why certain things happened, no satisfaction- just empty open-ended questions and I cannot handle that...  Personality flaw?  Sure.  But that flaw is just as much a part of me as my love of puppies.  So how do I change that?

Easy!  Go back to all the people who have wronged me or left me feeling dissatisfied with a "purchase" in my life and find out what happened and why.  So Easy!  JK, JK people.  You can't do that with everyone that's made you question your awesomeness ever.  Some things never get the big, old swelling musical score and the neatly packaged "THE END" and credits moment.  But there are things you can fix- people you can re-connect to and parts of your pain you can finally stitch up and move on from, no really... I promise.  (I also don't like medical dramas)

As I mentioned above, I am someone whose life is teeming with micro-emotional organisms (sadly, not to be confused with orgasms).   To put it bluntly, I have baggage, like I got a full set of matching Couch bags for my 21st birthday and I have filled them up with all kinds of ridiculous nonsense, kind of baggage.  It is quite a waste of such fine quality leather goods and my time, I can assure you.  But just a few months ago, I was asked to open up a medium sized bag and look inside and dust that shit off and deal with it.  I was all gung-ho about the idea at first- "YES!  Sure things!"  And then later "No problem...  I guess...  ok."  And especially as the date approached for me to actually deal and cope with the pain and suffering I'd been carrying around with me for the better half of my life, I started to panic (at the disco!) like a mother-effer.  My stomach turned; I was drowning in good and bad memories; I was not sure I wanted to know or feel anything new about this situation.  Like I said, drama queen.

So there I was...  inching all cautiously over to one of my medium sized issues- stick in hand.  Ready to poke it in the ribs if it got outta hand.  Tip-toeing ever so slightly... actually, no.  I barrelled ahead like I am prone to doing and I just said "Hey, look at you!" (No, for reals- that was my great and amazing opening line) and he turned around and looked me right in the eyes.  And all that stupid pain, those always present insecurities, and teen-angst memories... finally became just a person again.   One down, like three to go?

There were some interesting conversations that night; hilarious, drunken, interesting conversations that night.  And I was surprised to find I was not the only one on The Battlefield dragging around a medium sized Couch suitcase.   We all needed porters out there (porters and baggage carts) and someone else to fill in the blanks from back in the day.  You know, so you don't do it yourself.  Because we fill in the holes with terrible, terrible untrue awful things, instead of caulk (or reality).  I got my caulk (ha ha ha ha, but sadly no micro-emotional orgasms) that day.  New context, adult memories, 14 beers, good times, and a reconnection to two very important people.  Sometimes that's all you need... 

Other times, you need Kyra Sedgwick to get some answers for you and solve some crimes...  Seriously people, I'd much prefer the Law and Order Teams to help me out of an unsolved mystery.  Jack McCoy will not only get some Closure for you, but send that murdering rapist to jail and be awesome all at once.  McCoy!  O and Closure. 

The End.  Roll Credits.  Swelling Musical Score.