I'm starting with the man in the mirror...

I had an epiphany over the weekend thanks to Killer.  We were sitting on my couch totally rocking the blankets and seltzer.  Ken was in the bathroom peeing for the 1000th time that day.  We were SOOO having a SUPERNATURAL SATURDAY, complete with SUPERNATURAL BROWNIES (and SUPERNATURAL SELTZER and FRESCA).  And so after a few "very special" episodes with me crying my eyes out and professing my love to all that is J.ACKLES (SNACKLES, tee hee) coupled with the always upset, always violent Winchester Boys of the show, Killer (not the killer, just Killer) turned to me and asked a very interesting question.  She asked me if all I really wanted was an emotionally wounded man (cause I love myself some Dean Winchester and he is a wounded, albeit not real, boy).  And at first I was all "No way!  That's super messy!"  But then I thought about it... and thought and watched some more hot ass Dean, crying over his emotionally scarred inner child and being violently protective of his dear, dear loved ones...  When suddenly I realized, with a little bit o horror (not the Supernatural kind of horror), that I am drawn to myself...  I mean, I am drawn to the reflection of myself in these not too real fictional male characters.  I want to be with a man version of me.  How incredibly weird! (I know, I'll explain).

Now this is the first time I'm realizing this about myself (as I stare at SNACKLES beautiful face on my work computer screen)- that I want someone who mirrors myself emotionally (and apparently someone who looks like one of the hottest men on the planet- so obtainable!).  All this time I've found these over the top characters so appealing...  over-protective, self-sacrificing, unconditionally there for people- even typing it I'm thinking "that is soo hott!"- but I mean I'm all of those things and emotionally wounded to boot.  So what does that mean for me?  I am so not dating myself!  Gay men yes, but I draw a line at self-dating- not at self-loving, but dating yes. 

So where do I go from here... how do I go from here actually?  I'm looking for directions, people.  Left or right...?  I have so many questions about how this relates back to the whole "why is dating like this evasive thing for me?"  I mean one other thing these wacky Sexy man beasts all have in common...  they can't figure out how to love someone... how to wrap their big strapping arms around someone else and give what they have to give.  Seriously, seriously... for reals- this is all about me apparently- sans strapping arms.  It's alarming to me how much I can see of myself in this now.  It's alarming because what if part of the appeal is the doom and pain?  What if that's all I see for myself too?

Sometimes when you have these moments of clarity, insane freak out moments of clarity...  it creates a chain reaction of "a ha!" moments (not to be confused with the band A Ha!) and that's been a little jarring (like jarring peaches).  But maybe all this freak out with shake something terrible loose and I'll be functionally ok.  And I'll figure out how to make this all work for me...  I mean, duh...  how hard could it be?  I've totally already got myself wrapped around my little finger- getting a guy there should be cake.  (I also think the violent thing is super hot and that's actually not me... also SNACKLES!!!)