Quotey Goodness

"Oh star fall down on me... let me make a wish upon you. Hold on, let me think of what I'm wishing for..."


Are you ready to be strong?

Not long after I wrote the previous blog entry did I realize that it's been exactly ten years since "Sexy 08" was born.  I started that journey in early 2007 because I didn't want to be a victim to terrible men anymore.  I wish that "men" played no part in my decision making ever (almost always) about myself, but I had just come out of a relationship that did enough damage that I still feel the echoes of it today.  I wanted to be strong and so I was strong.  It was the first time my desire matched my will (and execution... no, not that kind of execution, guys).  And now ten years later, I want to be strong again.

My world is different now.  It's far more complicated. colder, and conflicted; I am lucky, however, that the bright spots are bigger and brighter (family, friends, Jensen Ackles, puppies) and that I am aware enough to appreciate every moment I have with the people in my life.  Aging is hard, though, one might say that it's hard like eggs y'all.  It isn't just your body that rebels against you.  It is everything.  But I want to be strong again.  Let me be strong again.

I had one of those weeks...  where you feel like everything is on the cusp of falling apart, including you.  Like I said, the world is colder (harder) now.  But it (I) didn't.  Happily a miracle that happens a lot more often than it used to.  You see, for a very long time, I was all reaction all the time; when that changed, I was worried because my emotions had suddenly become controllable.  I know, who gets worried about that?  A weirdo thinks... "What's wrong with me?  Why am I suddenly so reasonable (in comparison to who I used to be)?!"  Moving forward, just call me Weirdo Illinois.  But this week with so many things taking pieces of my sanity, I was grateful that I could turn the dial back down.  I am also grateful that I have people who essentially tell me this is not the time (or really the reason) to be a crazy person.  I am always grateful for my people.  They frequently remind me I can be strong again.

It is within me to be strong.  I know that it is there.  I am reminded every day that I am not weak, no matter how weak I feel (also no matter how often I cry at things like Trolls- the movie or Big Bang Theory).  I look back on that time during "Sexy 08" with incredible fondness for what the whole movement accomplished (Sexiest Person of the Week!!) and for what I did for myself.  I am always trying to get back to that point where desire = will = execution (making things happen, not making death happen).  And right now I need it, much like I did 10 years ago.  I will not be crushed by what's happening in life.  I am ready... ready to be strong again.   

"So here’s the part where you make a choice: What if you could have that power…now? So I say we change the rule. I say my power…should be our power. Every one who could have the power…will have the power…can stand up, will stand up. …every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?" Buffy, Chosen


Look Who's Back... Back Again.

Hey 180 people who sometimes read this blog!  What's up?  Yea...  I know, everything is crazy-pants,  amiright???  There's a lot going on lately (understatement!).  And while I wake up a little more unsure of the world around me every day, this blog is not about that.  I'm not saying it will never be about all that, I'm just saying that this is about me and how I'm feeling and where I'm at mentality, physically, spiritually, etc... We are all feeling and thinking so many things these days and this is just my space (not MySpace!) to do so.  And honestly, most of the time, I am thinking about myself and my people.  And Supernatural.

There once was a blog about being Sexy (08) and I've tried 1 million times to revive the soul of that creature.  It was such a beautiful time in my life (and yours).  But I guess Sexy doesn't last forever.  My esteemed colleague, Dr. Professor Porkbutt M.D., has moved on and kept his slender and strapping physique since then and I... have not.  But everyday is a new beginning (Right, Killer?) and I started a new journey on January 23, 2017 and I'm hoping writing about it will keep me focused, on track, and all that jazz!  (Hat flip, high kick, and jazz hands)

I'm 40 now.  I want something better for myself than the life I'm currently leading.  That's not to say my life is miserable, sad, or unremarkable.  I'm just saying I'm not being the best Nikki I can be.  It's an "emptier than I'd like" kind of life.  And that's all my own doing and fault.  And while this post isn't as IN YOUR FACE as the first Sexy 08 blog was; it is just as sincere.

What to expect here?  No idea yet.  I just wanted to reach out and say hi.  Remind you all that I still love Supernatural and talk about myself.  So nothing's changed. (Ha ha ha ha - jokes!)

So here we go my friends...  Welcome to the reboot.  I hope it's even better than the original.


Best. Day. Ever.

"Not on Rex Manning Day!"

I sometimes wish my life was different, was more regular, was tragically more hip, and ultimately way less embarrassing.  If you’d asked me where I’d be at 38 (practically 39) at any other point previously in my life, I would have assumed I’d be married by now.  I’d love to be married by now and have all the little wonderful and terrible things that come with it.  It breaks my heart that I’m not, actually.  But none of this is news…  And I have written thousands of words on what that’s done to me and who I am as a result and how I cope with that empty spot in my life.  But I wanted to set the stage of my head and heart before telling this tale… of silly school-girl crushes, of crazy elation, and most importantly of a tricky, fickle 38 (practically 39) year old that just needed a win this time and how a little crazy goes a long way to healing your heart.

I wrote about the first time I met Jensen Ackles way back In Nashville in 2012.  It was amazing and he was everything I wanted him to be.  I still remember that he looked me in the eyes and rubbed my back and somehow made those 3 seconds incredibly memorable and indelible in my brain.  He signed my photograph with a “Salt the Doors” and I thought it was the most adorable thing ever.  I figured that it would never be better than that first time.  Since then, I’ve met him a few more times.  I’ve done intimate meet and greets with only a few other fans and I’ve asked him direct questions.  He even once told me that I’d asked “a great question” and laughed as he answered, barely breaking eye contact.  But that first time, for whatever reason, remained my favorite.

Fast forward to my 6th Supernatural Convention (NJCon2015).  I dialed back what days I was attending.  I considered only going on Sunday, but ended up buying a ticket for Saturday too (Thanks Allison!).  SIDE NOTE:  Let me just say this in general about these conventions-  ALL the celebrities are consistently so very generous and gracious to everyone at all times.  It’s remarkable.  Anyway, this time I got a few photo ops with some of my supporting cast favorites and as always, their panels were hilarious and awesome.  As great as Saturday was, however, it was (and always is) just the lead in for me.  I was calm on Saturday.  I was chill.  I just enjoyed the wild ride and watched everyone else be irrational.  I felt sane in a sea of crazy-pants and themed t-shirts.  I know that my attendance ultimately makes me part of the wackiness, but on Saturday… I was a little removed from the action.  But in reality, it’s probably because I was just storing it all up for Sunday.  I needed the break of Saturday to be ready for Sunday and Jensen and almost fan-girling myself to death.

As I mentioned, I’d done 5 other convention “Sundays” before…  Unsurprisingly, I got up way too early and started to get ready 3 hours earlier than necessary and wouldn't you know it, my brain started to unravel very quickly.  My cohorts can attest to the way my mind started to break down and how I went from “Chill Saturday Lady” to “Giggling Sunday Moron.”  We had some drama regarding both a thrown-out back problem and a slow moving breakfast situation.  My anxiety levels and internal body temperatures were rising (neither of which are a good thing), but by the miracle that was the day, all issues resolved themselves rather quickly and thankfully out of nowhere and we arrived just in time for our first photo ops…  Jensen.

I had two photos with him this year.  I’d been planning my poses for months.  Yea, I said months.  These are things I cannot explain to you.  It is what it is and what it is, is crazy.  Waiting in line was both awesome and tortuous.  The moment I got to the room, entered, and saw him for the first time…  It was surreal (it always is).  He was 20 feet away and smiling and hugging everyone and posing.  Like every other time, it was hard not to just stare at him.  I was in line with Allison, but to be honest, once I was in that room everything else faded out and all I could think about was the shirt he was wearing, the poses I’d been contemplating for MONTHS, and actually talking to him.  The line moved quickly, it’s just one snap after another after another and then I was next...  The person in charge said “She has two” turned to me and said “ok, your turn” and then BAM- I was there right in front of him.  And he’s smiling at me and just like the first time, the second time, and the third time he looked me right in the eyes.

As I approached him, I said "I have two" and he smiled and said "Ok, what are we doing..." And so I explained the first pic, blah blah hug from behind...  "Absolutely!"  Pose. Click. Done.  I turned back to talk to him "So what's next?" Again there was so much eye contact and I was just trying to get out my requests quickly, succinctly, and calmly.  I know I gestured as I spoke.  "Can we do the 'forehead' thing?"...  "Yea!" And he quickly grabbed the sides of my head with his hands, fingers in my hair... at one point, our foreheads touched...  And there he was, literal inches from my face... staring into my eyes, smirking a little and I could feel myself flush and turn pink and just beam up at him.  And then, click and done.  I definitely said "Oh God!" right into his face and he laughed... and then I was on my merry way.  I turned to watch Allison take her photo with him.  But I was so flustered, I don't know that I did a great job with that.  And then she was done and we were giggling like 13 year old girls, shaking and squealing with delight.  To her credit, Allison watched Jensen very closely while I spoke to him and said he was so intense during our photo.  Which I can attest to, he really was putting his all into it.

I had a Jared and Jensen photo right after they finished all of Jensen's ops.  I didn't know what to do in my pic with them and I was still flying high from all that Jensen interaction.  I got to watch a lot of people take their photo ops with them.  Jared was in a great mood, dancing and being ridiculous.  At one point, Jensen was looking down the line of people and our eyes met and he smiled and maybe he was just being polite... but I'd like to think it was because we had obviously bonded.  Yea, I know (just let me have it)  In any case, click, click, click... I'm next in line.  CLICK.  Oh god, what am I doing?  I walked up to them.  And I spoke to Jared all while staring at Jensen.  "Jared, can you just hug me possessively and Jensen, can you be holding my hand... trying to steal me back??"  Before I had even finished my thought, Jared grabbed me.  I watched Jensen over Jared's large shoulder and he took my hand and then Jared pivoted us towards the camera... RIGHT, pictures. Duh.  Normally I never notice, but Jared smelled great and all I could think about was his giant scarf and enormous bicep in my face.  I had no idea what the hell that pic was going to look like, but I thanked them both and they were as sweet as always.  Cloud nine my friends, cloud nine.

I got the Jensen Meet and Greet for the third year in a row.  I find it is totally worth it despite being a gross amount of money.  It was me and 19 other fans sitting in a room chatting with him.  I got the seat directly across from him.  After he came in and greeted us all, people started asking questions.  I wasn't sure if I was going to ask mine, but after the fantastic morning I was having and it being the BEST DAY EVER!  I figured why not give it a go.  Last year, I didn't get to ask my question...  this year, however, I raised my hand and he pointed right at me.  I asked him my riveting "Is acting inherent in you/Community theater Jensen" question and he responded by talking directly to me for about 2 or 3 minutes.  Eye contact for days.  Outside of those precious moments, I was a total creeper.  I just kept thinking, don't look at these other people, LOOK AT HIM!!!  I believe I mentioned something about being super embarrassing sometimes??  Yea, there it is.

Once the M & G was over, there was only one more "special" moment left, though one could argue the whole day was amazingly special...  Allison met me outside the room and told me her lovely meeting Jared moment.  We got in line for our Jensen, Jared, Misha photo and we had a plan... well I had a plan.  My plan was not to let Allison talk because we seemed to end up with hilariously awkward photos when I let her plan it out.  So by the time we got up to them, I was pretty comfy with Jensen.  I remember saying "HEY!" to him like a spazz.  He smiled and I explained the "adorable, smushed hug pic" idea.  And they all said "YES!" and then, for the last time that day, Jensen wrapped his arms around me and that was all I could pay attention to.  I felt myself beam like a crazy person... A CRAZY PERSON!  And then, just like all the times before, CLICK and DONE.  I thanked them and they said "Thank you!" and just like that... it was over.  The Boys did a panel later that day and it was awesome and I took so many photos.  My photo op prints started to come out and with each one, the memory of those moments got brighter and brighter.  They are all crazy and weird and too intense and awesome...

I needed to feel insanely elated.  I needed to feel like the most special person in the room was treating me like the most special person in the room.  I needed to be just in me and my happy and forget about all the other adult life stuff.  It was fantastic.  It was the best.  I still, two days after the con, can't stop looking at Jensen staring into my eyes.  The look on my face says it all.  And the giggle that escapes my lips whenever I look at it says it all.  Sometimes it's ok to step outside the lonely place you live in, that you've not only survived, but thrived in... and be a stupid silly fan-girl, screaming for an actor.  Sometimes all it takes to light you up inside is a little forehead action, some dinner theater discussions, and a pair of beautiful green eyes making you feel like the only person in the room that matters.