My world is different now. It's far more complicated. colder, and conflicted; I am lucky, however, that the bright spots are bigger and brighter (family, friends, Jensen Ackles, puppies) and that I am aware enough to appreciate every moment I have with the people in my life. Aging is hard, though, one might say that it's hard like eggs y'all. It isn't just your body that rebels against you. It is everything. But I want to be strong again. Let me be strong again.
I had one of those weeks... where you feel like everything is on the cusp of falling apart, including you. Like I said, the world is colder (harder) now. But it (I) didn't. Happily a miracle that happens a lot more often than it used to. You see, for a very long time, I was all reaction all the time; when that changed, I was worried because my emotions had suddenly become controllable. I know, who gets worried about that? A weirdo thinks... "What's wrong with me? Why am I suddenly so reasonable (in comparison to who I used to be)?!" Moving forward, just call me Weirdo Illinois. But this week with so many things taking pieces of my sanity, I was grateful that I could turn the dial back down. I am also grateful that I have people who essentially tell me this is not the time (or really the reason) to be a crazy person. I am always grateful for my people. They frequently remind me I can be strong again.
It is within me to be strong. I know that it is there. I am reminded every day that I am not weak, no matter how weak I feel (also no matter how often I cry at things like Trolls- the movie or Big Bang Theory). I look back on that time during "Sexy 08" with incredible fondness for what the whole movement accomplished (Sexiest Person of the Week!!) and for what I did for myself. I am always trying to get back to that point where desire = will = execution (making things happen, not making death happen). And right now I need it, much like I did 10 years ago. I will not be crushed by what's happening in life. I am ready... ready to be strong again.
"So here’s the part where you make a choice: What if you could have that power…now? So I say we change the rule. I say my power…should be our power. Every one who could have the power…will have the power…can stand up, will stand up. …every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?" Buffy, Chosen